Let me make something crystal clear—I love McDonalds’ pies. I grew up on their apple and cherry pies. They’re the ultimate cheap, comfort food snack (an apple pie is still only 50 cents). So it’s unfortunate that here in the continental United States, we don’t get the cool varieties of pies that are available at other McDonalds locations.

Like China’s Sweet Taro and Banana Pies:

Or Thailand’s Broccoli and Cheese Pie:

We do occasionally get a new pie, but even then it’s problematic. Like the elusive holiday pie that only seems to be available on that one day around Christmas when I can’t eat solid foods ‘cause I’ve had my wisdom tooth pulled:

But all this changed when I walked into a McDonalds on Sunday to purchase a cup of McCoffee and there staring back at me from the overhead menu was this:

The new peach pie. Available for a limited time for only 69 cents.

Hot damn! A new McDonalds pie product? Of course, I had to try it. And it was indeed yummy. I don’t know if it’s even real peaches in there or some sort of processed peach substitute invented by scientists who accidentally stumbled onto it while attempting to create a new erectile dysfunction drug, but who cares? This is McDonalds and my relationship with the fast food chain is similar to the U.S. military’s relationship to the gays prior to 2011—Don’t ask, don’t tell. If it’s this delicious, I ain’t gonna question it.

But as I walked into McDonalds last night for my fifth fourth third second peach pie so far this week, there was something that I noticed which was…troubling. I tried to ignore it, but…well, “don’t ask don’t tell” be damned, I had to find the answer to this question because it was so big and looming that it threatened to destroy my pie eating experience (I bet that was the first time you heard someone say that outside of a lesbian porno). And that question was this:

Why was the peach pie 69 cents?!

What’s wrong with the number “69”, you say? Well, if you have to ask, you’re clearly not our demographic and should stop reading YOMYOMF immediately (however, you should continue logging onto our blog everyday so our numbers remain high, just don’t read it).

You see, I find it disturbing that an allegedly family establishment like McDonalds would price something to be exactly “69” cents. And I don’t buy the argument that they were ignorant of the significance of that number. This is a big corporation employing some very intelligent people so I’ve no doubt this was done intentionally to make a point just as the bored and naughty Disney animators made a point when they drew a hidden penis into the background of The Little Mermaid.

But the nagging question is–why was this done? Was this 69-cent thing just the actions of a few mischievous employees out to have a little harmless fun or did it go higher than that i.e. was it a large scale attempt to undermine the very family values that McDonalds itself had done so much to promote in the past? I owed it to the American people and to Oliver Stone’s future filmography to uncover any hidden conspiracy. I had to unearth the answers even if those answers turned out to be so shocking that it would make me not want to eat anymore…uh…pie (sorry, now I can’t help but think of lesbian porn every time I mention “pie”).

So I approached the young lad working behind the counter who resembled an Armenian Doogie Hooser.

“Welcome to McDonalds. How may I serve you?” Armenian Doogie said without any trace of irony. Oh, your corporate overlords have trained you well, my subversive friend.

“So I hear you have 69 cent peach pies,” I say.

“Yes, sir. Would you like to try one?”

“And you say these pies cost only 69 cents?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So even if I bought 69 pies, they would still cost 69 cents each?”

“Well, yes.”

“And if I came in 69 times with 69 friends and each of us bought 69 pies while Bryan Adams’ ‘Summer of ‘69’ was playing on your sound system, they would still cost 69 cents?”

“Uh…Sure.” There was a look of hesitancy or confusion on his face now. I was clearly not getting through to him. Or was he just playing dumb? Time for a different approach. Time to employ some advanced psychological tactics and influence this weak mind.

So I non-homoerotically lock onto Armenian Doogie’s eyes, wave my hand in front of his face and say: “These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

“Sorry? What?”

“I mean…(maintaining intense non-homoerotic eye lock) You will tell me the secret of the 69 cent peach pie pricing.”

“I will—what? Uh…let me get my manager.”

Damn! So close.

A few seconds later, a middle-aged Latina woman–who looks suspiciously like Arnold’s housekeeper mistress who, in turn, looks suspiciously like the lady who killed pop star Selena…hmm?—is standing in front of me with a big grin, “how may I help you, sir?”

I decide it’s time to just take the direct approach. I tell the manager about my concerns regarding the 69-cent pricing and ask her if she can explain the reasoning for that.

“Oh, that’s not a decision we make here. You would have to call the corporate customer hotline for that. I can get you the number if you’d like.”

Trying to pass the buck, I see. Smart move, but it’s not going to work on me. You’re not getting rid of me and my questions, which clearly fills your McHeart with McFear, so easily.

“Can I offer you a peach pie on the house for your troubles?” She asks.

Oh, so now you think you can buy my silence with some sweet pie (again, insert lesbian porn mental image here)? Obviously you don’t know me too well because my integrity doesn’t allow for—

“We just happen to have a fresh batch coming out now. Mmmm, don’t you just love that smell?”

Well, yes…it does smell really good. And…and, DAMN IT! Well, they say every man has a price. Apparently mine is a 69-cent McDonalds peach pie. Fight the power!