Ordering a “quadruple stacker” at Burger King and washing it down with screwdrivers at 1 in the morning will make you do silly things. As we congregate around the kitchen, eating unhealthy food and getting drunk after an exhausting day of film viewing at Sundance, we realize that there is a unifying theme with said films… These plots deal with problems and situations that only seem to happen to white people. Therefore, here’s our Top 10:
1. Dealing with awkwardness of your husband’s pants tent because of your hot houseguest.
2. Worrying if your dad is going to keep his high-paying job or retire.
3. You’re hot and quirky, have dark brown hair, big owl-shaped blue eyes, wear vintage clothing, guys chasing your tail, and yet you don’t know why you’re not happy.
4. You’re a teenager who has dork friends, is in love with the hottest girl in high school, who puts you only in the friend’s zone, yet you have rock hard abs and look like Zac Efron’s younger brother.
5. You’re good looking, bored, your parents love you too much, so what’s the most natural thing to do? Kill somebody.
6. You’re a struggling comedian, who is in a longterm relationship with a girl who tolerates your loser existence and continues to encourage you to chase your dream, so what do you do? You don’t want to marry her but use your relationship angst as your comedy material.
7. You live in Williamsburg, you take menial jobs to make you feel alive, yet you feel dead inside and sometimes wrestle around with other pudgy white guys for some homoeroticism in your life.
8. You are the subject of a documentary about the uber rich, lose millions because of the global financial meltdown, yet you sue Sundance for writing in their official synopsis that the film is a “rags to riches to rags story” because that line is misleading because, hey, even though you had to let go thousands of your employees, you still claim you’re rich.
9. You and your friends are constantly getting murdered, because you can’t stop filming the killer, when you should actually just drop the camera and run the other way.
10. You are a white guy named David Wong.