Once again February 14 is upon us…another Valentine’s Day. Maybe the worst holiday ever invented with the possible exception of Adolf Hitler’s birthday. If you’re single, you feel like shit for not having anyone but if you’re in a relationship, there’s no way to live up to the hype so there’s bound to be stress and disappointment. Best to acknowledge what a fucked-up holiday this really is by just saying no and refusing to take part.

So ladies, when you receive no gift from me today, know that it’s not because I’m cheap or insensitive or only feigning interest in you so you’ll have sex with me. Nope, it’s because I’m taking a brave stand against this destructive holiday just like Gandhi took a brave stand against…well, whatever it was he was bravely standing against.

But despite all this, if you’re still going to insist on celebrating Valentine’s Day, I implore you to look to the traditions of our friends in the Far East because they know how to do this day up right.

For example, here in America, the man is traditionally expected to buy the woman nice gifts and/or take her out for Valentine’s Day. But in many Asian nations, like Japan and Korea, it’s usually the woman who does things for the men. That’s right—it’s the guys who receive the chocolates and flowers and other nice things from the ladies. That is so much better than the ass backwards tradition we have here and I think we should start emulating our Asian friends in this regard.

Look, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. Let’s apply some good, old-fashioned American logic to this: in our culture, men are still the ones expected to pay when it comes to the ladies. We’re the ones expected to buy you that nice bouquet of flowers, take you out to that nice (code for “expensive”) dinner, order that bottle of wine that costs more than our rent for the month and there’s no guarantee we’ll even get a chaste kiss on the cheek at the end of the date. So is it too much to ask for one day—just one day out of 365–when men can be treated like the chick? I don’t think so.

Now Asia, or to be more specific China, has also come up with a smart solution for another important Valentine’s Day question—what to do about your mistress? Obviously you have to spend Valentine’s Day with your significant other, but you don’t want to ignore the sweet, young thang you’re also seeing on the side, right? Well, in China, they’ve solved this dilemma by designating February 13 as Mistress Day.

It’s perfect—the day before Valentine’s is now devoted to doing all the same romantic crap with your mistress that you’ll be doing with your wife or girlfriend the very next day. Everyone’s happy, win-win. Now, I hear this unofficial holiday is becoming more popular everywhere including here in the U.S., but no one still celebrates it with as much zeal as the Chinese (according to private detectives in that country, that day is their busiest for wives hiring them to investigate their husbands’ infidelities).

Valentine’s may be a Western creation, but clearly we have much we can learn from Asia to make this otherwise troublesome holiday a little better. And if all else fails and you just need a quick excuse to get out of your Valentine’s obligations, remember my advice from last year to fake a bout with Lyme disease. Oh, and if any of you ladies reading this are up for celebrating this holiday in the Asian tradition by doing something nice for a special man, I totally have a craving for pizza.

Happy Valentine’s Day!