The recent news that Warner Brothers is putting any future Superman movies on hold has fanboys (and girls) speculating on what might have led to the franchise’s journey into limbo. A popular theory is that it’s too hard to come up with a viable Superman story in this day and age because the guy is too perfect and we demand imperfection from our heroes. Supes has every imaginable power from the ability to fly to incredible strength and it’s hard to relate to a character who is so…well, super. But I think that’s actually what’s so appealing about the character. He’s our collective fantasy of what we all would like to be. Who wouldn’t want to be able to do all the things the Man of Steel can do? There’s no apparent downside. Well, I’m going on the record to state that I would never want to be Superman for one simple reason: you could never have sex. Ever!

Why would this be so? Because anyone Superman would try to have sex with would die. This isn’t some new theory I’m making up. Writers like Larry Niven have speculated on this issue and even in Superman II and the Smallville TV series, Superman/Clark Kent had to give up his powers to consummate his love for the women in his life (Lois Lane and Lana Lang, respectively).

We’re talking about a guy who has the strength to bend steel with his bare hands. He can punch a hole through solid concrete without breaking a sweat. He can tear the Empire State Building from its very foundation and lift the whole building over his shoulder. If this guy were to fuck you, he’d rip your body apart and shred you into a million pieces. I don’t care how gentle of a lover he is; you’re going to be dead in seconds. You’d have better odds of survival fucking a Grizzly bear or a lion.

But let’s say Superman is somehow able to make love so carefully and delicately that your body isn’t torn into fragments. You’re still not out of danger. The moment Supes has an orgasm, you’re done for. Think about it—the average man’s semen shoots out at a speed of 45 km/hr. Superman is capable of super speed so his ejaculation is going to fly out at a much faster rate than that of a normal human. Plus, he will have super semen that will contain the equivalent strength and invulnerability that the rest of his anatomy possesses. So when he ejaculates, his jizz will tear right through your body at an incredible speed and come right out your other end.

Even if he applies the traditional pulling out method, it doesn’t solve the problem. Let’s say he pulls out and aims for the wall. His semen will simply shoot out, go right through the wall (remember it’s super jizz), hit some innocent bystander who just happens to be walking otuside in the head and rip the poor guy’s skull apart.

Which brings us to the option of masturbation. Maybe you’re thinking that giving up sex is worth the price of having all those amazing abilities. Still, you’re going to need some sexual release and pleasuring oneself would seem to be the logical alternative. But the problem is you can’t ejaculate into a tissue or a towel. Your super jizz is going to be too powerful to be contained by traditional methods and it’s going to be a threat.

But you can be careful, right? Let’s say you masturbate and aim for the sky–your semen will simply shoot into the air and out into space so what harm could it cause? But what if it hits a bird flying overhead or a plane full of homeless third world orphans heading to their new American homes or makes it out to space but smashes into the moon and throws it off its orbit; sending it plummeting toward earth? You’re going to be more of a threat to humanity than Lex Luthor, Braniac and the super-villains from Krypton combined.

Basically, your only real option is to become a “super” priest of sorts. You have to take a vow of celibacy. But we know that doesn’t always work out as many young, unsuspecting altar boys have found out.

The only person Superman can safely have sex with is Kara a.k.a. Supergirl a.k.a. his cousin. In other words, incest is your only viable choice for a normal sexual relationship. And that’s provided there is even a Supergirl around. If you really are the Last Son of Krypton, then even incest won’t be an option.

Two generations of Supergirls

Maybe some of you still think this is a small price to pay in order to be a real-life Superman. But I would have to give you a big, fat “Hell No!” In my experience, every offer of great power always comes with some unforeseen cost. And oftentimes that cost is just too high a price to pay.

Finally, since I’m writing about Superman, I leave you with Lea Salonga’s version of “Can You Read My Mind?” a.k.a. the love theme from Superman: The Movie (the video starts with a bit of the E.T. theme so be patient). Enjoy and have a “super” day: