For a while now, I’ve been trying to get into better shape.  In the interest of clarity, this is my goal:

Of course, looking at a scale to chart your progress is probably a pretty effective way of gauging the efficacy of your methods.

However, no number can compete with the reflective truth of a mirror.  Even if the number is dropping, if the person staring back at me still looks like he did a couple months ago, it’s rather disheartening.

So after I accepted the fact that the man in the mirror had been the same man for a while now, I began contemplating the exact reasons why this was the case and now I present them to you here for your benefit.

These are not scientific in any way, so please – put your total and absolute trust in my words.

Now without further ado:

1) TAKING THE WHOLE CONTAINER/BAG/TUB

It takes a lot of discipline to stare down a whole lot of something you love – whether it’s chips, ice cream, or penii – while still resisting.

You’re better off sticking to the ol’ adage of “Out of sight, out of mind.”

Whenever I bring that bag of Doritos with me in front of the TV, it’s not leaving till the movie’s over or it’s empty.  Instead, pour out a set amount you can live with eating and bring that with you to the TV or wherever while leaving the bag behind.

Yeah, you can still get up and get more, but hopefully the laziness that keeps that weight on for you can work to your advantage this time.

2) THE “ONE LIFE TO LIVE” MENTALITY

I’m a bit of a foodie, plain and simple.  And the fact of the matter is that there’s a lot of delicious things out there waiting to be tried.

Thusly, whenever I’m out and about and see a delectable treat, I’m always justifying my eating it by saying that I only live once.  If I don’t try it now, who’s to say I’ll ever be able to try it again?

And as right as that might be, my potent counter-argument as of late has been that I do indeed have but one life to live, and that’s the one chance I’ve got to be in shape… or not.

Since I’ve been – ahem – a bit more rotund before, this rationale usually works for me.

3) CALORIE COUNTS

Nutrition facts are tricky bitches.  While they don’t outright lie, the way they count up their calories is very deceiving.

Instead of just counting up how many calories are in an entire package, they count it per serving and then tell you how many servings are in the bag you’re holding.

Don’t get me wrong: I understand the reason.  The total number for that package probably doesn’t look pretty.  But it doesn’t make it any less underhanded.

Sometimes, I get excited seeing the low calorie count for a food at the supermarket, only to find later that the same package has about one thousand friggin’ servings.  My solution to this bit is simple: read.

Read carefully; don’t skim.

On the contrary, some foods don’t try to pull the wool over your eyes and that low calorie count you see is as straightforward as an on-rails First Person Shooter.  But then they present their own unique problem to me.

I eye those foods, those snack and desserts, and think, “Well, if it’s got so few calories, I won’t feel so guilty eating the whole thing myself.”

But then the food is so good, I can’t just stop at one.  I go for a second.  And a third.

By the end of it all, I’ve eaten more calories than I would have if I had just eaten a single, calorie-dense food as opposed to a bunch of low calorie snacks.  Mastering resisting this just requires straight-up discipline – there’s no trick.

What I am trying to say is that this is the hardest thing to overcome and so appropriately, it’s one of the few things I still haven’t conquered.

As I type, I stare at my midsection, totally consumed with vanity, wondering if the recent influx of Wetzel’s Pretzels is making me doughy.  And I realize that while these are three ways I haven’t lost weight, they aren’t the only ways that I haven’t.

With that, I eat my way to sleep with a bowl of gelato.