A good half hour was also spent to write the above with some… pizzaz. Given the fact I’ve been awake for the past 23 hours, I wasn’t expecting much, but I was expecting something. Unfortunately that can’t be said about my writing aspirations these last few years. I expect a whole lot, but expect nothing from myself. As in, working for it.

I’ve spent the last 4 years mentally dedicated to the fact I’ll write a story that incorporates an Asian male lead as a powerhouse male with the right sexual prowess (the hetero variety – prowess just comes out too feline-y) and smoldering vulnerability to get the rest of my female followers, Asian drama fanatics… and, hopefully, to bring my best attempt for change in 2010 Hollywood Cinema. It’s not that I am Asian. I’m not, or a man. God, I hope not — or I have the smallest penis ever. But I’ve always been attracted to projects that have the sweet smell of victory steaming from it’s toes and the vapid feeling of being the only one who can change it gleaming from it’s teeth. Not saying that’s how it goes, but it’s easier to accept it if I convince my self of the ego boost in it.

As an asshole I knew once said, (whenever he had large amounts of blood coming from strange orifices and refused to see a medical professional, a knee injury that magically transformed into different -painful- shapes and refused to see a medical professional, and a penchant for f*cking with my mind with worrisome details and then telling me.. ) “Don’t worry, I have a horseshoe up my ass – *wink*” Obviously he didn’t, or else he’d be dating me. Fortunately I did, or else I’d be dating him. Except for the $800 he owes me. Ass. But, I’m not bitter.

Right — the good thing in what I was trying to say… I’m still young enough to attach to my youthful idealism with old granny death hands, and with a good wad of ass luck, I might get there.

Perhaps, my excitement in commenting on this means I will write. I hope so. That’s what I was I thinking, and why I wanted to express (not expose) myself publicly to you — and the other strange who read YOMYOMF. But given the fact I’ve attempted to write this comment for the last 2 hours, it seems I’m just procrastinating so now that I’ve finished I want to say… Thank You . It’s been over a year that I’ve actually felt inspired to write, and instead of “finding more inspiration”, also known as “mundo procrastinado”, I am going to get back to that white screen of mine and type it into oblivion. Unless I get an e-mail and it screws with my system, damn my importance.

-AMbre

Thanks to everyone for their comments!

Sometimes it is heartbreaking to read. I feel your pain and I feel your struggle. And it really speaks to who we are as a community — and as a whole. I’m also aware that it’s not exclusive to a person’s race, by no means.

Many feel like writing and blogging are narcissistic. I think it’s a human need for expression. It’s a way of teaching, a pedagogical expression of one’s inner emotions and deepest thoughts. In the end, it’s a need to tell someone that you have a great story that’s never been told before and you want to share it with the world.

And without passion for the arts, there is no humanity. There is no reason to live, unless you just want to play World of Warcraft. *stabs neck*

You know, many of us show our disdain for the state of our social and political climate here. That’s justified in every way. But truly, if you’ve traveled the world as much as many of us have, and I know many here have, the independent spirit here, with respect to the arts, is second to none. There is absolutely no comparison. It’s not even close.

So to you guys, thanks for exemplifying that independent spirit for our AA communities. There is hope for us.

My only disagreement is that I’d have to take Roger’s advice and keep a day job, even if it means cleaning the seven year old plaque out of someone’s mouth. But some are bolder than others and take that great leap forward. That’s admirable too.

And Roger, everyone’s been down that road before too. Everything you say makes sense but you know that sometimes you have to burn the bridges behind you to go forward. WE CAN’T ALL BE (DR.) KEN JEONG! Nor should we try to be.

I guess it’s natural at this time of year for people to evaluate where they are in their lives, and those in the arts usually judge themselves wanting more often than the slave wage jerk offs. It’s because we’ve actually dared dream of something more. And it’s the holidays, so you invariably see or hear from your parents, who in my case, have never and will never understand what I do or why I do it – and always let me know how it could have, should have been. I don’t always believe this myself, but I try to keep up the mantra that success is not the pot of gold, but chasing the rainbow.

But the gold is nice too.

Happy New Years Offenders!

But I will keep on singing, because music is a part of me. And I will remember the smiles on my children’s faces every time I sing to them, and how it always seems to calm them down, no matter how upset they are.

Thank you again! By the way, if you are curious what I sound like, click on my name, and it will take you to my website.