Ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you that I am not, by nature, an optimistic person. I think the idea that you just need to believe in yourself and you’ll achieve your goals is bullshit. I think a good number of the people I meet in Hollywood are idiots or assholes or, the very worse thing to be, boring as fuck. I think this industry itself is unforgiving and cruel and can easily crush your spirit and dreams. So I totally understand and sympathize with the points my fellow Offender Roger made in his most recent post.
But even with all the bullshit and my own cynicism, there’s still nothing else I can imagine doing than what I’m doing right now.
I’m a writer. I write. Sometimes I get paid for it, but more often than not, I write because I want to. Because I have to. Because it’s the only thing I really know how to do and it’s what I love. I’ve been at this about as long as Roger has—15+ years. And in no way have I made it. It’s still a struggle—very much a job-to-job existence. As Roger’s blog makes clear, this is a tough life and the first thing I tell anyone who wants to pursue this path is not to do it unless it truly is the ONLY thing you’re passionate about. If that’s not the case, you’re most likely going to get your heart broken.
People always ask why I decided to pursue writing and the reality is I had no choice. It’s not a decision I really made. Writing was just always a part of my life. But then something happened about ten years ago that made me finally understand why I write.
Casablanca was playing at the New Beverly, which is a revival house here in L.A., and I decided to take the afternoon off to see it. Once there, I ran into a woman I knew. She was someone I had been very close to and cared about, but things had ended badly between us. And now there we were—awkwardly and unexpectedly standing face-to-face in the lobby. I tried to be civil and said hello, but she totally snubbed me and walked away without a word. Her behavior really affected me. It also didn’t help that on one of our first dates, I had taken her to watch Casablanca (she had never seen it before) and she had declared that it would be “our” movie from that moment on.
I left, feeling shitty, and went home. I sat in front of my computer and started working on a script (long since forgotten). But what happened next surprised me. I found myself pouring all the emotions I was feeling into the writing and it made me feel…better. And I realized that I write not because I want to be famous or make millions of dollars, but because writing fulfills a need in my life in a way that nothing else can. That seems like such an obvious thing now but it totally didn’t click for me until that incident.
I made a decision that whatever career choices I was going to make from that point on was going to be based first and foremost on one criteria—my love for writing. So I dropped out of a potentially lucrative career path writing for TV because I really didn’t enjoy it to start an Asian American theater company for no money. And I’ve never regretted that decision and the many others I’ve made since then.
Maybe Roger’s right that it’s smart to have another, more stable, career on the side but I just can’t do that. Personally, I think it would crush my soul. Besides, there are a lot of guys who are much more talented than me so if I’m not putting 100% into this, I’d probably get my ass kicked at every opportunity, too.
Maybe I’ll feel differently if I have a family to support or I turn 60 or 50 or even 40 and decide my life isn’t where I want it to be. But I’d like to think even if that’s the case, I won’t have any regrets. So even if I don’t get the wealth and fame and the opportunity to have sex with Megan Fox, there are still experiences I’ve had that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Writing has allowed me to travel all over the world and meet some interesting and awesome people. I’ve had the chance to dine with heads of state, to spend time with my heroes like the great Billy Wilder shortly before his death and to make friends with talented folks like my fellow Offenders whom I feel fortunate to both work with and hang with. And every once in awhile, I’ll get something like the following e-mail, which is from a high school girl who came to see my last play, that reminds me that sometimes what we do does touch other people:
“I was in a really bad place. My life’s completely falling apart, my parents have been having a hard year financially and fighting all the time and finally told my sister and I they will be divorcing next year. I feel like a misfit at school and no one really gets me. So when I saw your show, I really identified with Grace (the lead character). She was me down to the way I talk and dress and the music I like and what I feel sometimes. It was the best thing I’ve ever seen and maybe it was fate that I saw the (Facebook) post about your show, otherwise, I would have never known about it. I even had thoughts about killing myself (not that I would really do it) but I feel hopeful now. Thank you so much for this wonderful Christmas present. I feel inspired to face all the bad things now and know that we’ll get through them. Have a Merry Christmas and God bless everyone in your show. You changed my life and I will never forget it. I’m going to go listen to Abba now 
”
Something my fellow Offender Sung once said has always stuck with me. He said in his experience he’s found there are two Hollywoods. One is the superficial Hollywood—the world of fame and success and what kind of car you drive and what designer duds you wear. The other is the Hollywood of creativity and artistry and finding those like-minded people who will support you and share in your journey. The first Hollywood may be the more prevalent one, but they are both real and it’s your choice which one you want to be a part of.
Like some of my other Offenders, I don’t really sleep that much. It’s not because I have insomnia or even that I’m overtly ambitious. It’s because I’m excited about the possibilities; about the future. I really feel like a genuine positive change is going to take place. I believe that within the next five years, Asian Americans will reach heights previously unimaginable. Like I said, I’m not generally an optimistic person, but I can’t ignore the evidence I see around me. It is getting better. Every day. And I hope my fellow Offenders and I will not only be a part of this change but, in our small way, help make that happen. Believe me, we have a lot of ambitious plans for the future that goes beyond just this blog
See, I find it hard to sleep because I don’t want to miss out on any of this. I look forward to each day because it’s an opportunity to experience something new and exciting. I wake up and there are ideas and stories and characters just eager to burst out of my head and I can’t wait to sit down in front of my computer to write so I can give life to all of them. The act of writing actually gets harder the more you do it, but the joy and love I feel for it has gotten stronger. However, should that feeling ever go away, that’s when I know it’ll be time to quit. But not a second before. And not without a fight.
Did I ever need to read this! I have been feeling very depressed and discouraged lately – in tears, even – because of my music. I’m sure that some of it can be blamed on pregnancy hormones, but I have been frustrated for a long time. It isn’t my goal to be famous. With my style of music, that will never happen, and I refuse to compromise. I just want to be appreciated. Everyone tells me that I have a beautiful voice. And since I record at home with simple equipment, I can’t alter my voice like those more successful than I do. What you are hearing is the real thing. Maybe if I made music that was like everything else, more people would notice. I foolishly thought that my style was so unique, it would attract an audience. But it didn’t for that very reason.
But I will keep on singing, because music is a part of me. And I will remember the smiles on my children’s faces every time I sing to them, and how it always seems to calm them down, no matter how upset they are.
Thank you again! By the way, if you are curious what I sound like, click on my name, and it will take you to my website.
Man, great post. You are a lucky guy. I think everyone hopes to have that inner peace with what they do. I have enjoyed all my jobs but the only time I think I really felt the same as you do was when I was in the Army and commanding soldiers. Unfortunately thats not a job you can stay at for long. Made me remember how great it felt to be alive no matter how tired or hungry I was. If only we could feel that way about our entire lives.
Thanks for the that, Phillip,
And Roger, everyone’s been down that road before too. Everything you say makes sense but you know that sometimes you have to burn the bridges behind you to go forward. WE CAN’T ALL BE (DR.) KEN JEONG! Nor should we try to be.
I guess it’s natural at this time of year for people to evaluate where they are in their lives, and those in the arts usually judge themselves wanting more often than the slave wage jerk offs. It’s because we’ve actually dared dream of something more. And it’s the holidays, so you invariably see or hear from your parents, who in my case, have never and will never understand what I do or why I do it – and always let me know how it could have, should have been. I don’t always believe this myself, but I try to keep up the mantra that success is not the pot of gold, but chasing the rainbow.
But the gold is nice too.
Happy New Years Offenders!
I don’t want to make it seem like I didn’t read Roger’s post in full as well. This is more intended for everyone of you guys that has spilled your love and your guts. I do feel you guys have for one, uplifted our communities by telling us how you really feel about your passions and your dreams, to help make our people realize the ins and the outs of trying to make it as talented minorities in a place that does not reciprocate it back — Hollywood or otherwise.
Sometimes it is heartbreaking to read. I feel your pain and I feel your struggle. And it really speaks to who we are as a community — and as a whole. I’m also aware that it’s not exclusive to a person’s race, by no means.
Many feel like writing and blogging are narcissistic. I think it’s a human need for expression. It’s a way of teaching, a pedagogical expression of one’s inner emotions and deepest thoughts. In the end, it’s a need to tell someone that you have a great story that’s never been told before and you want to share it with the world.
And without passion for the arts, there is no humanity. There is no reason to live, unless you just want to play World of Warcraft. *stabs neck*
You know, many of us show our disdain for the state of our social and political climate here. That’s justified in every way. But truly, if you’ve traveled the world as much as many of us have, and I know many here have, the independent spirit here, with respect to the arts, is second to none. There is absolutely no comparison. It’s not even close.
So to you guys, thanks for exemplifying that independent spirit for our AA communities. There is hope for us.
My only disagreement is that I’d have to take Roger’s advice and keep a day job, even if it means cleaning the seven year old plaque out of someone’s mouth. But some are bolder than others and take that great leap forward. That’s admirable too.
Blogger, nothing wrong with having a day job, it’s often necessary. I was referring more to Roger’s point about having a second career which I think is different. It’s one thing to get a job waiting tables so you can act or write, quite another thing to become a dentist.
Thanks to everyone for their comments!
Wow, so those comments/emails are read after all.
Great post Phil. Let’s all stay up together and “experience something new and exciting”.
A good hour and a half was spent trying to figure out what to write for this comment.
A good half hour was also spent to write the above with some… pizzaz. Given the fact I’ve been awake for the past 23 hours, I wasn’t expecting much, but I was expecting something. Unfortunately that can’t be said about my writing aspirations these last few years. I expect a whole lot, but expect nothing from myself. As in, working for it.
I’ve spent the last 4 years mentally dedicated to the fact I’ll write a story that incorporates an Asian male lead as a powerhouse male with the right sexual prowess (the hetero variety – prowess just comes out too feline-y) and smoldering vulnerability to get the rest of my female followers, Asian drama fanatics… and, hopefully, to bring my best attempt for change in 2010 Hollywood Cinema. It’s not that I am Asian. I’m not, or a man. God, I hope not — or I have the smallest penis ever. But I’ve always been attracted to projects that have the sweet smell of victory steaming from it’s toes and the vapid feeling of being the only one who can change it gleaming from it’s teeth. Not saying that’s how it goes, but it’s easier to accept it if I convince my self of the ego boost in it.
As an asshole I knew once said, (whenever he had large amounts of blood coming from strange orifices and refused to see a medical professional, a knee injury that magically transformed into different -painful- shapes and refused to see a medical professional, and a penchant for f*cking with my mind with worrisome details and then telling me.. ) “Don’t worry, I have a horseshoe up my ass – *wink*” Obviously he didn’t, or else he’d be dating me. Fortunately I did, or else I’d be dating him. Except for the $800 he owes me. Ass. But, I’m not bitter.
Right — the good thing in what I was trying to say… I’m still young enough to attach to my youthful idealism with old granny death hands, and with a good wad of ass luck, I might get there.
Perhaps, my excitement in commenting on this means I will write. I hope so. That’s what I was I thinking, and why I wanted to express (not expose) myself publicly to you — and the other strange who read YOMYOMF. But given the fact I’ve attempted to write this comment for the last 2 hours, it seems I’m just procrastinating so now that I’ve finished I want to say… Thank You
. It’s been over a year that I’ve actually felt inspired to write, and instead of “finding more inspiration”, also known as “mundo procrastinado”, I am going to get back to that white screen of mine and type it into oblivion. Unless I get an e-mail and it screws with my system, damn my importance.
-AMbre