Yesterday I found myself on a leisurely walk through Santa Monica’s 3rd Street Promenade when I happened upon the sleek, sexy beckonings of the Apple Store.  Love that place!  I can’t ever seem to pass an Apple Store and not go in…not go in and touch, feel, ogle, touch some more, lust, envy…and, if I’m daring enough…buy.  Steve Jobs and his minions in Cupertino have created the ultimate playground of technological passion, injecting it’s every customer with visions of a happier life, safer neighborhoods, & world harmony through the purchase of Apple products.  Put an Apple Store in North Korea and it’s a foregone conclusion that it would unite with the South within 7 days.  Guaranteed.  Powerful shit this Apple stuff is.

I have owned many apple products.  The Apple, Apple 2E, Mac SE, Powerbook, Macbook Pro, & Macbook Pro (generation 2).  I would have already purchased a Gen3 Macbook Pro had it not been for the fact that I sold my 1st kidney for Gen2.  I was told that selling my other would be a rather stupid thing to do.  And let’s not even get into my addiction to the ever-shrinking, getting-ever-cooler iPod collection.  So needless to say I have been a life-long Apple fan.  But for those of you pc, non-Apple loving folks out there, I can only describe my relationship with Apple products like dating a class A supermodel who just seems to get sexier, more desirable, and more fun to be with with every passing day.  How is this possible?  The book definition of Lust is that it is temporary…that it will eventually become tired or even mundane.  Well, whatever Harry Potter magic Apple is cooking into it’s stew, it sure as hell works.  It has created the impossible fantasy and allowed for even the most modest consumer continual access to it.  But the question still quietly looms, is this the magic of the dark arts or the magic of the likes that would make the Gryffindor house proud?  Hmmm…

I sense the presence of the dark arts.  Proof?  Well, something happened to me at the Apple Store yesterday that rattled me out of The Matrix, like a crack man-whore waking up in an alley after riding the high of a 20+ year OD trip.  I was tempted, as I have been many a time over the years, to purchase the new iPhone 3GS.  I have the first generation iPhone that is pretty much falling apart.  So I thought it might be a good idea to “upgrade” like a good Apple addict should.  The price of the new iPhone 3GS wasn’t too crazy.  $199.  I had spend $399 purchasing my current iPhone so this seemed like a bargain.  But here’s where the hand of the dark arts started maneuvering it’s way into my wallet and through my butt hole.  First, I had to extend my contract with AT&T for another 2 years.  I could deal with this.  But then, my original plan, which would stay my original plan, would go up $15.  When I asked why my original plan would go up $15 when “upgrading” to the iPhone 3GS, the only answer was, “because it will.”  Same service, same plan, no change.  But if I spend $199 on a new iPhone, my original same plan will get more expensive.  OK, fine, I’ll try a different tactic.  I’ll just buy the iPhone outright without upgrading and slip my current sim card into it.  Apple rep told me they have “non commitment” pricing which might work for me.  Awesome…so I thought.  If you just buy the phone outright and don’t recommit yourself to a new 2 year contract to AT&T which entitles you to the $199 iPhone price, the new iPhone 3GS will cost you $700.  The dark hand of Apple was officially deep in my butt doing vigorous spirit fingers.  All these years I thought Apple was my friend.  But with one flash behind the curtain of Oz, Steve Jobs revealed the truth… Apple is just waiting to stick yet another financial blood funnel into a loyal customer.  Usually Apple is much more finessed about this type of thing and shields it’s customers from the realities of their dark practices.  But for some reason, they had a hiccup on this one.  Perhaps it’s due to the fact that the “Voldemort of Cupertino” himself was down for bed rest the past 6 months due to health reasons.  I don’t know.  Nonetheless, I feel betrayed.  So, so betrayed.  Perhaps I should divorce myself from my Macbook Pro, my iPhone, my iPod, my .mac account, my iCal, my iMovie, my iPhoto, & my iTunes.  Only then can I shed myself of this reality…the reality that i am but a financial tit being suckled dry by a hungry yet seductive Apple supermodel.