Talk about irony. I’m a relatively germophobic person and for whatever reason, I started becoming even more so a couple months ago or so. Guess I just remembered how awful it was being sick and became hellbent on doing everything I could to avoid that.
I would wear a SARS mask whenever I went out like one of those people. I took plenty of Airborne (if it were actually medicine, I’d have OD’d!). And… and… well, I can’t think of another thing, but these sorts of examples usually come best in three or more, so just pretend I took some other weird precaution.
Anyway, point is: now I’m sick. Which, you know, shouldn’t really have surprised me. Is there a god of irony? Cause if there is (s)he’s always had it out for me. That’s how the saying goes, right? ”Always had it out for _________”? Sounds right, but looks weird typed out. Whatever, I’m sick – damned if I’m gonna Google it. IF YOU WANT, YOU GOOGLE IT, YOU CRITICAL MOTHERFUCKER.
Sorry, I’m never in the best mood when I’m sick. Been told I get kind of cranky. Seriously though, I’m sick and I’m still writing this for y’all so you better read it, especially because this week YOMYOMF gets into some matters of sex dolls; severed manhoods; and Japanese copulation terms.
Does your work block our website? Just curious (and I’m being serious!).
THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY/PEACE ON EARTH:
“One of my favorite Christmas carols is Bing Crosby and David Bowie’s take on “The Little Drummer Boy.””
NON-FUNNY TRIVIA: The son David Bowie refers to in the video is Duncan Jones, better known as the director of Moon and the upcoming Source Code.
JAPAN’S BOOMING LOVE DOLL BROTHELS:
“For those who don’t know what a Love Doll brothel is, it’s like a regular brothel except the prostitutes aren’t human, but rather blow-up sex dolls.”
These are some of the few instances when someone needs to blow the woman to get them hard.
I appreciate a good reversal.
Wait, wait. I see how that could be misconstrued. Just to set the record straight, I would never fuck a doll.
“No, my wish for being such a good boy in 2010 is a guarantee that my dick won’t fall off when I ultimately purchase a minivan and have to be seen driving one around town.”
Roger used that photo up there. I didn’t need to see that and I’m sure there will be a time when I will look back at my life and wish I never had. I guess what I am trying to say is that I could live without seeing a severed penis. But now, now that dream is gone from me. Forever.
MOVIES THAT SHOULD HAVE STARRED ASIANS: IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE:
“There may be no other movie that’s more beloved at this time of year than Frank Capra’s 1946 holiday classic It’s A Wonderful Life.”
I don’t know how, but I still haven’t seen this Capra classic. Do you think I can blame my heartlessness on this? Cause that would be very, very convenient.
THE DMV: NOW WITH 30% MORE EVIL!:
“A few days after 23 year old software engineer Amber Yust visited a San Francisco DMV office to register her sex change from male to female, she got a letter at home from Thomas Demartini, the DMV employee who had handled her application.
Homosexual acts, Demartini kindly informed her, were “an abomination that leads to hell””
I wonder how Demartini feels about homosexual acts like Siegfried and Roy.
If that dog was a man, that would be rape. Yup.
Perspective.
“Iku — “I’m coming!” The literal meaning is “Going!” So why is it that English speakers come while Japanese go? If a Japanese and an English speaker couple have a simultaneous orgasm, do they meet in the middle?”
No, they just have an accident.
I’ll be here all week. Because I’m sick.
That beige samurai is a real dick. I mean, for real.
JEROME & INCEPTION: FAN FICTION – THE HUMAN VAULT, PART TEN.:
The way this is going, I will probably be writing about Inception going into 2011.
Sorry.
THE PROPER ETIQUETTE FOR BANGING YOUR GOOD FRIEND’S LITTLE SISTER:
“Remember the guy code: no banging your good friend’s little sister. But…but her hands feel so soft and, shit, I can see her bra strap again!”
And this is why I live by my own code, much like Batman. Batman would never impose that kind of bullshit rule on himself.
Is the room spinning around for you too? Really?
THE NBA AND NFL: A GREEK TRAGEDY:
“But that is what’s cool about the elimination of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. Now, there will be a trickle down effect to the rest of the media. Like sports.”
Okay, I see how this could be misconstrued.
This?
Not so much. No. Not really.
REAL LIFE X-FILE OR THE STORY OF THE SUICIDAL SWEDISH TWINS:
“Ursula Erikkson, the twin in the green sweater who was hit by an 18-wheeler, with a multiple compound fractures below the waist, is awake and alert, and is literally crawling, trying to break away from the police. Sabina, the one in red, who was charged with assault, hit TWICE by cars, seems uninjured and it took 6 grown men to restrain her.”
In the immortal words of that old lady in When Harry Met Sally:
I’LL HAVE WHAT SHE’S HAVING.
DOUBLE HAPPINESS: HOW TO SURVIVE THE HOLIDAYS CHINESE AMERICAN STYLE:
“2. Starve yourself before arrival: Like most Jewish moms, Chinese moms are also notorious for force feeding their children as if they were about to embark on a marathon through the Arctic Circle.”
Holy shit – I thought this dysfunction was exclusive to Filipinos. Thank you for both making me feel not alone and also less special.
YEAH, BUT IT ONLY COST $10,000, IF YOU DON’T COUNT THE JEWELRY.:
“Olbertz clarified how the fake evergreen came to be worth 11 million: “The tree itself is about $10,000. The jewelry has a value of over 11 million dollars – I think 11.4, 11.5.””
So I’m gonna spend most of my life poorer than a Christmas tree? Okay, now I really mean it: fuck my life. Fuck. My. Life.
“In junior high my buddy Tom and I saw that some guys were making good scratch taking bets on pro football games. Being the greedy little fuckers that we were one of us came up with the bright idea to take them on. But we didn’t want to be Burger King to their McDonald’s, so we had to come up with a twist.”
DAMN IT, GREG. I will not have you slander the name of the King and act as if it was nothing!
So… could you, you know, sort of lay off? Cause it’s mean, man, to say that kind of thing. Okay? Thanks.
I don’t mean to impose or anything.
And that’s gonna cap it off this week because, well, I at least have a life when it comes to my family and I won’t be near a computer then. As I try my hardest not to get anyone sick, you will all probably be enjoying a meal, sickness-free, laughing it up, totally uncaring for people like me, who are sick.
Don’t feel bad about it though. No, don’t worry. I’ll be fine. You don’t even have to leave a comment here to let me know you read this. I can just pretend everything is okay, that everything is fiiiiiine.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go listen to that Sufjan Stevens Christmas album:
MERRY CHRISTMAS! Additionally, I don’t if I’m obligated to say, “Happy Holidays!” so:
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
