So it’s finally come to that. I had always considered it an option, but I’d never acted on the impulse to do so. I thought it was an extreme way of handling things. But no – it had to be done and so it has been. I’ve made my bed and now I sleep in it.
And that, folks, is a bed without Facebook or Tumblr. With the help of my computer savvy friend, I blocked the two websites on my computer, making it impossible for me to access them and ‘waste’ any time during my day. But – so help me God – I am like an addict looking for a fix. It’s really awful, people. I need help. Does someone have a laptop I can borrow after this?
Alright, I’m gonna go fix myself a drink, but here’s what’s in store for you from this week: 2010′s top ten porno titles (with bonus eleventh!); an argument against candy-free Halloweens; and lost wallers being returned (which, honestly, is pretty fucking unbelievable).
I know that’s pretty hard to swallow. All of that coming down from one column. But once you’ve managed to stomach it, click on to
SAF SEEKING… NO MORE REMINDERS:
““I just watched my ex on tv win half a million with his new girlfriend.” I hiccup. Bar-Boy looks at me and jokingly draws out a, “Soooo, is this going to affect our night?””
If I had a nickel every time a woman told me that on a date, I’d have five dollars! It’d be the most awkward five dollars I’d ever earned.
This totally reminds me of this hilarious Asian sign I saw in this neighborhood last week:
I mean seriously! What does that even mean? Totally zoomed past it.
Here’s one, Alfredo:
Hey – I’m not saying it would be a pleasant porno.
FIVE OTHERWISE DECENT FILMS RUINED BY ASIAN STEREOTYPES:
“Here’s the trailer for Short Circuit 2:”
NOT ALL ASIANS ARE ROBOTS.
No, but seriously though, the lens of childhood made that movie look super good. In the spectacles of man-childhood, it looks right shitty.
“Me: “But I don’t know if I like being called a ‘script whore’.”
Husband: “But it’s not as degrading as sleeping with someone for free and all the time.”
I had to think about that one too.
Me: “Yeah, that’s called ‘marriage’.””
I like to think the continual sex during marriage is a fixed payment plan for the ring. Wow – that does not make me sound like a romantic. At all!
“How about this as a test. I’m going to get five wallets, put 20 bucks in each and place my return info in it… lose it in 5 different public places and see which comes back to me. I believe all will come back.”
Hey David – let me know when you do the experiment. I can help monitor who takes them while you’re away.
Better yet, I think you should just give me a hundred bucks.
“Look, I know childhood obesity and other issues related to kids eating too much junk is an epidemic in our country. And I get that I might feel differently if I were a parent myself, but…come on, it’s Halloween!”
This kid agrees with you. Totes. These parents would fucking ruin his Halloween.
JEROME & INCEPTION: FAN FICTION – THE HUMAN VAULT, PART TWO.:
The second part of my first Inception fan fiction.
Not gonna lie – I wrote it to get the ladies to come to me. First success last week!
Her name is Kumiko.
HOW TO HAVE NO AMBITION IN LIFE AND GET A STARRING ROLE IN A MOVIE:
“So, how did my brother manage to be 40 and never pay rent or get a job? Well, the short and long answer is… nothing.”
Whoa, whoa, wait – you’re writing a story? I thought this was a fucking instruction manual. GOD DAMN IT.
THE MOST RIDICULOUS (OR AWESOME) EDITED-FOR-TV MOVIE LINES:
You’d think a minute and a half of that would be too long. Well, watch four minutes-plus of the Basic Instinct TV safe lines and learn that it’s not nearly enough:
GUESS DON HAS A THING FOR BIG TEETH:
“In the season finale, Megan tells Don how her flitty little LA actress friend told her she’d never make it in show biz because of her teeth. Unbelievable!”
Ah, shit. I spilled absinthe all over my pants again! And I’m simultaneously typing out my disdain. I really should just type then drink, instead of doing both at the same time. Boy, yeah! That would save me a lot of grief. Maybe next week – when I see you again! Lots of love from Amsterdam!
COBB OUT.
If it helps – and you probably already know this, especially with Facebook – you’re not missing anything.
You’re not on Tumblr anymore?
Wow.
Well, real life is important and stuff, so… yay for you.
This has been the worst week ever.