What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!). If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.
But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?
As May winds down, our articulate bloggers tackle double-entendres; sexual positions as food pricing; and Totoro.
Yeah, I know you came here for the Totoro, you sick fuck.
WEEKEND AWESOMENESS: BUDWEISER NUN CHUCKS:
“If no Rapture happens today, it’s because Jesus got a hold of one of these and was too pre-occupied testing them out to remember the Apocalypse.”
It’s a tossup between that and the possibility that He finally microwaved a burrito so hot even He couldn’t touch it.
SAF SEEKING…. FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE:
“A small crowd of gatherers and his old climbing buddies were circled around him since apparently, being a sausage king is news that travels fast.”
“Sausage King” sounds like some Urban Dictionary term. It wouldn’t surprise me.
EDIT: Surprise me sometime, Internet.
COMMUNITY QUESTION: DO YOU KNOW YOUR LINE ETIQUETTE?:
In which I discuss people who can’t follow directions. It’s a line, people – not rocket science!
Unless we’re in the rocket science museum.
AN ODE TO BREAST MASSEURS, FEDERAL BREAST INSPECTORS (FBI) & TAKE BACK THE NIGHT!:
“Now, regular readers of my blog are probably expecting me to write about how I should be hired to be a breast masseur and how I’d begood great amazingly fantastic at this job in a God-like way. But no, that’s not where I’m going with this because…well, I’m sort of over breasts. You heard me right—been there, done that.”
I’ve heard that cow udders provide virtually the same tactile stimuli without having to take them out on expensive dates. Is that where you were going with this?
Because it’s definitely not where I was going with this.
Definitely.
Not.
FILM FESTIVAL DISPATCH: CANNES:
“In the meantime, let me end Part 1 of my Cannes 2011 report of, IMHO, the greatest film poster ever. It’s for a French political drama called THE MINISTER (L’Exercise de l’Etat).”
I don’t think there’s any way to argue against this opinion. And I’ve been to the Internet.
KIDS INCORRECTLY ANSWER TEST QUESTIONS IN THE MOST AWESOME WAY POSSIBLE:
“Seeing these should actually fill you with optimism about our children’s future. Because what other country could produce such insanely creative thinkers than the kids responsible for these.”
Yeah, but this one seems to indicate that they’re also a bunch of softies.
Q: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN AGNOSTIC, A DYSLEXIC, AND AN INSOMNIAC?:
“It boils down to this: if you’re certain there is a God, then you look forward to the eternal bliss of the afterlife, where back pain, traffic jams and spurned romantic advances presumably don’t exist.”
Is the subtext here that there will be romantic advances – successful ones at that! – in heaven? Because if so, I’d like more information about ghost sex – how does it work?
YOMYOMF INVESTIGATES: WHY ARE MCDONALDS’ NEW PEACH PIES 69 CENTS?:
“I had to unearth the answers even if those answers turned out to be so shocking that it would make me not want to eat anymore…uh…pie (sorry, now I can’t help but think of lesbian porn every time I mention “pie”).”
Urban Dictionary helps me again, with these words I do not understand. But really, people – pie?
“Besides Doraemon, I also loved Fujio’s Parman who’s an ordinary Japanese teenager who gets a superhero suit from an alien to fight crimes. Parman has three other superhero friends who fight crimes with him—a girl, a fat boy, and a monkey.”
That reminds me: I would love to learn precisely when “the fat person” became a storytelling archetype.
IT’S OKAY TO SAY “BITCH.” BITCH.:
In which I discuss when I popped my cursing cherry.
And then there was blood all over the place.
DEBUNKING 5 HOLLYWOOD STEREOTYPES ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE:
“5) WHITE SISTERS LOVE TO ENGAGE IN INCESTUOUS LESBIAN ACTIVITIES ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE TWINS
If trashy daytime TV talk shows and late night programming on Cinemax are to be believed, there is nothing that two sisters love to do more than to make-out with each other while some guy watches (and eventually joins in).”
Please tell me the guy doesn’t have to be white. Please tell me the guy doesn’t have to be white. Please tell me the guy doesn’t have to be white.
Why don’t we see its face? I bet this is why:
“Good grades aren’t the end-all be-all anymore. I think of the unexpected detours my life has taken, and I’m glad I took them.”
As a child, my life took unexpected detours to No Dinner Land whenever I didn’t get straight A’s, so I think they’re pretty important.
(“No Dinner Land” is a crappy diner by my childhood home. The food there was awful.)
THE OTHER SIDE OF FESTIVAL DE CANNES (PART DEUX):
“I saw this film. Did it hurt my feelings? No. But it did skull fuck me.”
BUT IS IT 3D?! I stand by the fact that the most baller 3D is from Honey, I Shrunk the Audience!
It’s one thing to have rats come at you in 3D; it’s another to have rat tails start flopping around underneath your seat. Gangster.
Well, that’s enough nostalgia for one week. I try to keep my Disneyland memories to a minimum. That Donald Duck from Fantasyland knows why…
Have a good weekend, Internet!
