What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!). If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.
But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?
This week, your favorite online family focuses their energies on love dolls (a lot!); Japanese tiger takedown tactics (alliteration!); and the correlation between animal cuteness and animal taste (I wrote that one!). How’s that for Variety?
No, I mean seriously – would they link to us? Have they already? Okay, I understand we shouldn’t carry on conversations in the middle of a piece but I really need to know.
Sorry, folks – here’s your article!
“There’s probably nothing we love here at YOMYOMF more than food and movies (well, aside from my thing for hot Vulcans) so the new tumblr site entitled “Snack to the Future” is the perfect internet destination for those like me who’ve wondered what the foodie version of our popular films would be.”
We create the world of the soup. We bring the subject into that soup and they fill it with their ingredients.
I think I could recite the lines of Insouption off the top of my head too.
“Even Virgin America, the airline for club hoppers and Jersey Shore enthusiasts and who hire the hottest flight crew I’ve ever had the opportunity to spill my tonic water on, couldn’t cheer me up.”
GOD DAMN IT – why did I go with Sky Blue? Someone needs to tell me these things!
THE LOVELY JAPANESE LOVE DOLL:
“I’ve always dug artist Laurie Simmons’ work, especially her photographs, and her latest series is no exception. Simmons purchased a high-end Japanese love doll and shot a series of stills that definitely puts the doll in a different context than its creators intended (she added a second doll in later photographs). There’s a haunting, lyrical and decidedly non-sexual quality to these images—really interesting stuff.”
Phil – this may in fact be the only instance in which I am relieved that something is non-sexual. So relieved.
“Therefore, I’m starting this semi-regular series highlighting my favorite Italo Disco artists growing up. First up: German singer FANCY! Not to be confused with the more popular Falco, Fancy was one of the kings of the Italo Disco scene.”
And how could Falco not be more popular?
He don’t take shit from no one – not even Fox.
A GOOD OL’ GAME OF STARING CHICKEN.:
In which I discuss proper etiquette for eye contact. And how often I break it.
CHINESE MISTRESSES NOT TAKING IT LYING DOWN ANYMORE:
“This new breed of Chinese mistresses “are young, bold, shameless, not shackled by Chinese traditional values and who don’t have to work a single day because their lovers pay them a higher salary than they could ever earn.””
I liked every part of that sentence until I got to “don’t have to work a single day because their lovers pay them a higher salary than they could ever earn.” It sounds like having and maintaining an affair is more work than a relationship – yeah, no thanks!
Unless, of course, you wanna give me a free pass on the whole salary bit.
“I don’t even clearly remember the Benji movies, but I am certain that I cry far more easily when animals are hurt – even if it’s fictitious – than when adults are abused, maimed or killed. I blubbered like a baby at the end of Marley and Me when they put the dog down. The end of say, No Country for Old Men, not so much.”
To be fair, she totally had it coming, considering that she had nothing to do with any of the stuff her husband did; that she was just walking into her bedroom after her mother’s funeral; and she didn’t call it.
FEBRUARY 25, 1942: THE ‘REAL’ BATTLE OF LOS ANGELES A.K.A. UFOS ‘ATTACK’ L.A.:
“Hours after the air raid, Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox declared that the whole incident was a false alarm caused by “war nerves” and, in 1983, Air Force officials officially concluded the UFO was simply a weather balloon. However, many people don’t buy this explanation, pointing to the fact that 1,400 rounds of ammunition should’ve been enough to take out a common weather balloon.”
Don’t know, Phil, don’t know – weather balloons used to be made out of some pretty sturdy stuff. It was just a different time back then, y’know? For example, do you know they used to put cocaine in Coca-Cola? Or that McDonald’s used to serve real beef?
“Cinema Paradiso
True Romance—You wait for someone outside his/her window for 365 days until this person falls for you.”
Also called “stalking.”
But no, seriously – so that’s how they did it before boomboxes?
Okay, well, I guess I wasn’t being serious then either.
HOW TO TAKE DOWN A SIBERIAN TIGER – JAPANESE STYLE!:
“Shuhei Yamaguchi has what may be the coolest job ever or possibly the worst job—I’m not quite sure which. You see, the Tokyo Zoo conducts an unusual training exercise designed to simulate the escape of a dangerous animal—in this case a Siberian tiger—to measure the staffs’ response to such an emergency. And the 26-year-old Yamaguchi plays a vital part in all of this…he gets to put on a costume and be the tiger.”
It’s a minor gripe, yes, but I don’t understand why they have to make the tiger costume so adorable. Shouldn’t they make it slightly more realistic – you know – just to motivate the staff a little more? Who the hell would want to capture something that cute in anything other than a Pokéball?
CONFESSIONAL: EVERY TIME I LOOK AT AN ANIMAL, I WONDER WHAT IT TASTES LIKE.:
In which I explain why I should never be allowed in zoos.
REAL-LIFE BLOW-UP DOLL IS KOREA’S LATEST CELEBRITY:
“This latest news comes out of South Korea where one of the biggest internet “celebrities” is female Chinese high school student Wang Jiayun. And what is it that’s made her so famous? Well, she looks like a blow-up sex doll.”
And yet she’s still made from less plastic than reality TV celebs over here!
The Google search for this one brought up a picture of someone's ass so you better be thankful.
HOPE, HOLLYWOOD AND SMOKE SIGNALS:
“There are few things more exhausting and painful than dashed hopes, but without them, life would be greyer, grimmer. Without hope, without that little delusion that maybe somehow fortune will reward you for your efforts, you’d never even attempt to open that door. This much I know: when I’m in a hopeful mood, the sun is brighter, the world more vivid.”
That sounds absolutely beautiful. Maybe one day when I leave my parents’ basement, I too can know what this “outside” looks like.
Damn it, I think I missed a metaphor.
It was the door, wasn’t it? The door wasn’t real.
Hello! You’ve reach the bolded text which effectually bookends this new incarnation of the column stylistically – you likey? It’s also there so that no one gets confused about whether or not I’m still writing about the last entry for the week. See? I’m, like, the most considerate person ever. I deserve your love – I really do.
Please, someone love me. I need love. God damn it, feelings – stop coming out!
