Shit, that’s momentous if I may say so myself.  We’ve had editions that crossed over between months before, but never one that crossed over between YEARS.  I think it’s pretty impressive.

But you probably don’t care.  In fact, you probably just scrolled right past this block of text while you were looking for an article with a sexy picture.  Actually, I’m nearly 100% certain that I could type whatever I want here and it would go right over your head, yeah?

We had otter for our Christmas dinner last week.  It was pretty adorable before my uncle started prepping for the meal.  It was one of those smooth-coated types.  I mean, it feels all gross and slippery in your hands and you’d think that it would have a texture that’s all rubbery-like in your mouth, but if you fry it, it actually provides a great contrast to the crunchiness.

Yummers.  So this last week of 2010, the best writers on the Internet (that’s not up for discussion) are penning pieces about the dynamics of school reunions; the function of girl-on-girl scenes in particular genres of film; and the one must-have piece of bling-bling for this season.

You honestly can’t miss it.

A CHRISTMAS LESSON:

“But one thing was still the same. If someone was goofy as a teen, he was still goofy as an adult. If someone was shy, he was still shy. If someone was loud, he was still the loudest person in the room. And if someone was a drama queen (ahem!), she was still a neurotic drama queen.”

Not to be a Contrary Carson or anything, but I went to an elementary school (K-8) reunion last year and when I made a couple people laugh, one girl nudged the person next to her and asked, “Is that really Jerome?”

I guess what I’m trying to say is people can become more awesome as they get older.  Or, as in my case, they can develop very appealing defense mechanisms.  Yay, neuroses!

THE PUSSIES ARE THE STARS AT THESE JAPANESE CAFES:

“Personally, I believe cats are evil and think they should be destroyed before they destroy us. But I know there are people out there who are cat lovers so I guess that explains the popularity of cat cafes in Japan.”

I didn’t know that the Crazy Cat Lady archetype had gone mainstream in Japan.

CHINA’S WINTER WONDERLAND:

“The annual Harbin International Ice and Snow Festival officially opens in Harbin, Heilongjiang province on January 5. Here’s a preview of some of the ice/snow creations on hand for this year’s event (photos were taken on Christmas Day):”

Am I the only person who looks at amazing snow sculptures and gets the sudden urge to eat them?  All I’d need is a bottle snow cone flavoring to douse them with.

By the way, that's blood.

A SHORT CHRISTMAS LOVE STORY:

“I can’t say for certain, but I’m a September baby – it’s not impossible that I was conceived that Christmas Eve, when two people in Madrid still loved each other.”

Damn it – whenever someone writes a really moving story, I feel pangs of guilt if I even attempt a joke.  Okay, so maybe it’s not so much the pangs of guilt so much as the potential retaliation against my delicate, delicate emotional constitution.  But if saying it’s guilt makes me seem like a better man, I’ll say it’s guilt – it’s guilt a thousand times!

YELLOW SWAN:

“After all, nothing livens up a film about an artist suffering a painful emotional and psychological toll than to include a moment of hot girl-on-girl action:”

You know what’d be even hotter?  If there was a dog on the side, just watching.  Not barking or walking around or anything – just sitting there, watching.  Yeah, so hot.

What?

DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE:

“If you can dance today, savor it! My hip hop instructor Dante 7 once said, “You should feel lucky that you can still dance today. So dance like this is your last time. Who knows what can happen tomorrow? You may not be able to dance tomorrow, so seize the day!””

I agree!  Check out this nerd demoing the Microsoft Kinect!  Kid looks like he’s having a ball!

By the way, that wasn’t a plug.  Although if someone from Microsoft is reading this, the Kinect truly is a revolutionary new product that can change the way we look at video games forever, with the potential to bridge the gap between casual and hardcore gamers!

SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS (LITERALLY):

“According to studies, the quality of care we get at the hospital deteriorates over the holidays.  Reduced levels of health-care staffing, or staff members who are unfamiliar with individual patients,” seem to be key players in holiday mortality.”

This would explain why the local hospital was willing to hire me for my film school credentials.  I think I said I “wanted to save lives with my work.”  Anyone who’s seen my movie about the guy who eats people definitely knows this to be the case.

MY SPECIAL WISH FOR THE NEW YEAR:

“So may 2011 allow all of us except known terrorists and right-wing nut jobs to come together as one and sing! Happy New Year!

Since I’m at, I’m just going to go ahead and also exclude clowns. ‘Cause clowns just fucking freak me out. The thought of seeing a bunch of clowns holding hands with normal people and singing in one voice—yuck! That image belongs in a Stephen King novel not a special New Year’s wish born of the spirit of peace and unity.”"

Jesus, from where I’m standing, clowns have a good case at suing Stephen King for defamation of character – it’s like everyone who hates them had their fear originate from It.  I used to dress up like a clown all the time, although if you are an attractive young lady in the market for a young twenty-something, let’s pretend I never said that.

FREE THROW JUSTICE:

“In football, the field kicker gets fired the next day (if not gang-raped in the locker room). In soccer, the guy could get killed (and maybe his entire family and his goats). In basketball, you get a high five.”

Sorry, what?  Did you say ‘gang-raped?’  Fuck, man – that’s some heavy shit.  It’s, like, the worst kind of rape.  I knew in my heart there was a good reason I never learned to play football aside from my total lack of athletic skill.  And that shit about soccer is the worst!  What kind of monster kills a man’s goats?

JEROME & INCEPTION: FAN FICTION – THE HUMAN VAULT, PART ELEVEN.:

Last of the year, baby – last of the year! See you in 2011 when I cap this off, bitches!  Term of affection.

GOOD THING, BAD THING:

“She had lost some weight, was wearing lipstick,  and was dressed in a plain, but clean sweat suit.  The one bit of bling she did have – and if you’re only gonna have one bit of bling, this is the bit to have – was a set of engraved gold grills.”

Could a reader save me a trip to Google and tell me how these gold teeth work?  Do people take them off before they eat or do they just eat with them on?  Is there some sort of etiquette or subculture pertaining to these gleaming chompers?  That’s four years of curiosity right there.

MY BLUE NEW YEAR’S EVE:

“What the hell do I know about relationships anyway? I mean here I was feeling blue because my New Year’s Eve plans with a woman I hardly knew fell through.”

The fantastic thing about making holiday plans with family is that if they go through, you’re not alone and if they cancel, well – you won’t have to spend time with your family.

Thank you very much – I’ll be here till the end of the year!

In a couple hours, we’ll all be in 2011.  If you’re not keeping up with YOMYOMF as well as you should, you won’t be able to appreciate the timeliness of my wit and writing and that’s too damn bad but I’m gonna keep that sentence in there.  Hope you all have a fun night as we break into the new year!

If you’re getting some action, just remember there are those less fortunate and, you know, don’t take it for granted, ‘kay?

I’m talking about me, you ass.

Also, happy new year – here’s a picture of Will Ferrell with an Identity Disk from Tron.