What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!). If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.
But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?
This week, what have we got? This is what we’ve got! Overzealous tongues; cities that remind me of placentas; and peeing in public – all the matters that you need answered urgently, in one fell swoop.
“If you’re a child of the ’80s like me, you’ll wish that these cereal boxes designed by Ian Glaubinger were real. But alas, they are just another beautiful and unattainable dream:”
The important thing to ask yourself is whether or not you can eat them after midnight.
“His tongue was a juicer. I don’t know what it was in my face, but somehow he believed that I must like it Saint Bernard sloppy. It was like his entire tongue entered my mouth, salivated for what seemed like eternity, and exited, leaving at least 3 tablespoons worth of spit in the cup space behind my bottom front teeth.”
This description is reminding me of Japanese tentacle porn.
Which I definitely have never watched.
But it is fucking gross.
“I got hired to play with Hot Wheels and this skill would take me on a journey to so many locations in Puerto Rico to see where this action stuff will happen and me rendering it all out using toy cars. Fun.”
I wonder what journey my talent at microwaving action figures will take me on in the future…
In the interest of full disclosure, I also froze my action figures to pretend they were being put into cryogenic stasis. Yes, even my imaginary friends had their moments of apprehension regarding me.
In which I address something that is not a person as if it is a person.
“I met a couple of kids over the weekend who hope to grow up and become writers. That’s always inspiring to hear but I also wonder if they really understand the struggles and hardships that await.”
Damn it, Phil – you know that inspiring is a fool’s game! They’ll only become our competition; we must crush their dreams now.
“Now, unless you’re a sociopath like the Joker who finds pleasure in his confrontations with the Bat, it’s gotta be tough to operate on the other side of the law in a city where you’re always looking over your shoulder in case a psycho in a bat suit shows up to break your legs when all you want to do is steal a few jewels to feed your family.”
‘Psycho’? Now that’s not fair. A couple daddy issues or so doesn’t automatically make you a psycho. And coming up with the alternate persona is just plain creative is what it is.
See, it’s people like you and my psychiatrist that confuse ‘crazy’ with ‘ingenious.’ Now if you’ll excuse me, a park bench is stalking me.
“When a movie lets out, or it’s the seventh inning stretch at a baseball game, the pressure in my bladder is second only to the unbearable pressure in my fevered mind as I make the death march to the bathroom.
Suddenly I can see individual dust particles falling and can hear a butterfly flapping its wings two hundred yards away. Colors are vivid and scary.”
Either you really needed to pee there or you just inhaled someone else’s marijuana smoke.
“Let’s look at clothing from a place like Shanghai Tang. Isn’t Shanghai Tang as Orientalist as the TOUS photos as it uses the same Asian motives? What makes good Orientalism or bad Orientalism?”
I’ve always felt it’s dependent upon how much oyster sauce that particular Panda Express is using, but hey – that’s just me.
The answer is “fasting.”
“Back with more photos from Asia of signs, products, t-shirts and other items demonstrating that for some, English is a yet-to-be-acquired skill. Enjoy!”
Does that mean the pudding is as soft as breasts that big or that it’s as big as breasts that big?
I honestly believe my capacity to ask questions such as these in the face of boobies is the reason why I can’t have nice things.
“Hello good people, this is Sung Kang, AKA (Han) from Fast And Furious: Tokyo Drift…I was asked by the people of the world to share a few fun facts about the behind scenes making of YOMYOMF’s most Epic and Sensational Web Series – Car Talk Discussion 2. With Sung Kang AKA (Han) from Fast And Furious Tokyo Drift. Or as my Latin fans would say, “ Car Talk Discussion El Dose with El Chino!”
I’ve met some of Sung’s Latin fans and that actually is what they say. Well – at least I was pretty sure they were speaking Mexican.
“Letting Trump, Palin, Beck, Bachmann, et al grab the spotlight and hang onto it was political genius. Of course he could’ve gotten the form released earlier – he’s the goddamn president of the second most powerful country on the planet – but he didn’t. This is some serious jujitsu shit we’re talking, using your enemies’ weight against them and all that stuff.”
I guess you could say that Obama is the master and Trump is… just the Apprentice.
“I know I know. The cars will be Not So Fast and Not So Furious. The movie could be called “Green and Somewhat Angry”. Instead of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker, it could star Ed Begley Junior and Tom Hanks in the Nissan Leaf and the Chevy Volt.”
If you make all the cars Nissan Leafs (Leaves?), Universal just might consider this!
Okie, netizens – this is the part where I jet. I gots to go buy some dairy ’cause I’m dizz-out of my complementary Cheerio fluid and I don’t want to resort to eating Jack in the Box for breakfast.
It’s delicious, but it’s very bad for you. Peace out, homies!