What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!). If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.
But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?
As we approach the close of April, YOMYOMF examines the Japanese tendency to cute-ify everything; the Filipino crucifixion craze; and genital slang.
Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
“Japan has a tradition of using “cute” mascot characters to educate the public about things that are far from cute. [...] Now, here are a few examples from recent years of tsunami-related examples of this tradition.”
I don’t know about you, but nothing makes me afraid of something more than when it’s anthropomorphized.
KIDS ON PLANES AND I HATE THEIR PARENTS:
“A mother is HOLY in most cultures, she’s a saint, a woman of virtue, untouchable and needed in this world: she bred and somehow, we –the pitiful childless- have to be kind to her because she IS sacrificing her life to make the life of someone else’s possible. I don’t WANT to give up my seat (I pee a lot and therefore I get up a lot, that’s why I always book an aisle seat), but I’d be an ASSHOLE if I didn’t.”
Wait… what’s wrong with being an asshole?
Oh, right – that’s why no one loves me.
ARGENTINA’S DANCING WITH THE STARS IS BONER WORTHY:
“I don’t watch DANCING WITH THE STARS. Who wants to watch a bunch of C and D list celebs ballroom dance? Never figured out why it’s so damn popular. Maybe it’s the public’s desire to see them fail? Who knows. Well, Argentina’s version of DWTS takes it to a whole other porn like level.”
I prefer the term “bonertastic” but different strokes for different folks, I guess.
In which I describe the time when I didn’t kill a dog.
SO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE CRUCIFIED? ASK THESE FILIPINOS:
“Every Good Friday, dozens of these men (and some women) will flagellate themselves and even be nailed to a cross for few minutes.”
I always confuse the words “flagellate” and “fellatio.” That’s led to some pretty awkward interactions.
Awkward and painful.
It was awesome.
NEXT IDEA FOR CUTE REPUBLICAN E-MAIL: PHOTOSHOPPING WILL SMITH EATING FRIED CHICKEN!:
” [Marilyn] Davenport [a SoCal Tea Party activist and member of the central committee of the Orange County Republican Tea Party] sent out this picture with the caption,
“Now you know why no birth certificate.””
My main complaint with the photo is that it’s not even accurate. If that’s supposed to be Obama when he was a kid, his face should also look like it did when he was a kid – not just his body.
Geez, this is like Benjamin Button. If he was born a little old man, shouldn’t he have ended his life as a big baby – not an actual little baby?
Le sigh – come on, people!
“Is there anything cuter than the Easter Bunny? According to these photos compiled by our friends at Funny Or Die, not only is there nothing cute about these Easter bunnies but they’re downright creepy.”
That bunny suit reminds me of the most horrifying scene in The Shining. Can you guess which one it is?
THIRTY MINUTES OF BREASTS AND GENITALS.:
In which I discuss my ability to discuss nicknames for breasts and penises for long periods (double pun score) of time.
“Watching sports allows you to release aggression that hundreds of years ago would have been used to murder someone. But now you get to release it by watching sports.”
Damn — guess I really need to learn a sport if I want to curb this bloodlust.
LEVITATING WOMAN SELF-PORTRAITS:
“Yowa Yowa Camera Woman Diary is a Japanese blog by a woman named Natsumi who takes self-portraits of herself levitating. Check them out, they’re pretty cool:”
Guess you could say she’s having trouble… getting on her feet.
“And I’m pretty sure this isn’t about me being a closet case – when I dream of sex, it’s of the straight up hetero variety, pretty tame, and it may or may not include Scarlett Johanssen and/or Kate Winslet.”
I don’t know how or why your dream would be tame when you’re got either of those women in it, let alone both.
Honestly, if either of them showed up in my dream, they’d probably just be asking me for advice about Ryan Reynolds or Sam Mendes.
Alright, you crazy kids – that’s the end of the column for this week. Imma be looking for eggs in a little bit, so I hope y’all have just as much fun as I’m going to this weekend.
Then I’m going to drink myself numb.
