No, I’m not saying the official poster above is wacky. In fact, I like it a lot.
I’m writing this blog in transit back to LA from a just concluded Cannes Film Festival, where the Palme d’Or went to Michael Haneke’s moving and tragic love story Amour. It was a safe choice, considering that the selections this year were pretty weak, especially in the American front, and absolutely nil on Asian film representation. For a full list of winners, you can click here.
But as I have written before, what’s most fun about Cannes is the Marche du Film, or film market, where film buyers and sellers hawk their wares in one big international cinema bazaar, hoping to strike deals and find financing for that next Eric Roberts movie. Most of the titles are destined for direct-to-DVD and the bargain bin at Walmart, but that’s how the film world spins. And what is always constant is that terrible photoshop jobs for said posters that make them absolutely hilarious. Here are some top choices:
Maybe these Z-grade producers were trying to capitalize on the restored and digitally remastered screening of the original Jaws at the Festival (which was, btw, simply amazing and still holds up extremely well)?
Starring former NSYNC member, Joey Fatone! Yep, trying to capitalize on the whole Hangover series… Why not employ a washed up boy band member while you’re at it? Lance Bass wasn’t available?
Lesbian Vampire Warriors
Apparently this film is a few years old and had another title, before some creative film exec decided to rehash it and rename it. Hey, if no one’s seen it, it’s like new, right?
Capitalizing on Hobbit Fame
Aww man, Sean Astin working on films from The Asylum? Don’t know what the Legend of the Hobbits is all about either…..
Toilet of the Dead
Yep, I think the team behind such classics as Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police have truly run out of ideas. Two years ago, I would’ve been excited but I just groaned when I saw this poster in the market. Yikes.
You Can’t Kill Stephen King
Obviously not endorsed by the horror maestro himself, but I kind of dig this poster, just for the fact that it is able to squeeze in King classics like Christine, Pet Semetary and Cujo. Oh, and bloodied bikini babe too.
Ah, Nicholas Cage, how we love thee here on YOMYOMF. This one absolutely takes the cake for me, because it is Mr. Cage in full on hulked out anime mode.
White House Taken
Gerard Butler’s gotta eat too….
Before I Go To Sleep
Even though Ms. Kidman was representing two films on the red carpet this year (The Paperboy, where she gives Zac Efron a golden shower, but more on that later, and the more pristine Hemingway and Gelhorn), she still is attached to future projects and these producers will always employ the worst photoshop designers to do so. And, yes, Nicole’s gotta eat too.
My Fair Zombie
Update: For some reason, I thought I saw this poster in Cannes, but it was all a fever dream. But this film exists, and it’s definitely in my radar for something to see…
Now this is something I actually want to see!
There’s dozens more that I took photos of, but maybe I’ll post them another time. I’ll devote a more “serious” blog about the films I liked at this year’s Cannes Film Festival, sometime later in the week.