In a one hour span, a full week before Valentine’s Day, six emails arrived in my in box:
Valentine Flowers from $29.99. One Week Left!
The clock is ticking! Send the Perfect Valentine’s Gift for just $39.99
Valentine’s Delivery – last chance with standard shipping!
WHOA! Only 5 days left to Save 49% and Avoid Rush Delivery Rates
Valentine’s Day | Black Truffle Dinner | Romance at LACMA and LA Phil
REMINDER: Valentine’s Day is in one week. Are you ready?
No, no I’m not!
And that doesn’t even include my spam folder – I’m too frightened to open it!
Let’s face it, folks: the Valentine’s Day pressure on guys is enormous. Ladies, you just have to show up.
I’ve done it all: flowers (red roses, white roses, no roses); chocolate (from Josef Schmidt to Godiva to See’s to Whitman’s); rose petals on the rim of the bath tub, rose petals on the bed, rose petals on the floor, the kitchen counter, the sink, the driveway; bubble bath; greeting cards that sing, greeting cards that don’t sing, homemade greeting cards (I glued the candy hearts with words on them onto red construction paper), earrings, silly toys, you name it. So yeah: I’ve been married a long time. And I feel it every year: I must top myself. No phoning it in! My heart’s like a grape in a vise!
Ack, the pressure!
Who came up with this shit?
Well, I actually entered that question into my search engine, and, no, it’s not Hallmark. It’s named after Saint Valentine, who, in Rome in the third century, was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry, and for ministering to Christians. Legend has it that during his imprisonment he healed the daughter of his jailer. He gave her a note: “from your Valentine,” just before his head got chopped off.
Jesus! The vise grip is turning: now I have to compete with a guy who cured people and died to show my love?!
And this is not okay, why???
But I did find a glimmer of – well, if not hope – then sympathy on Yahoo answers. To my query, “who invented valentine’s day?” a certain Ajibola B replied,
when it comes to v-day I am ANTI TO THE EXTREME!!!!!
Why do I hate valentine’s day??
I don’t have a boyfriend. Never have.
My sis is too busy trading chocolate she got in class to remember that it is my b-day (feb 16 – she forgot totally last year. The first words out of her mouth after someone said happy b-day to me was ‘it’s your birthday??’”)
She listed another eight reasons, among them
…all this pink is sickening (I am not a pink person)…
…and closed with,
…if you like valentine’s day, then I hope that short little stupid baby with the arrow (cupid) misses and that arrow goes up your ass.
I think I’m in love. Sorry, Linda, but hey, we had a great run, didn’t we, babe? Ciao!
p.s. – and if it doesn’t work out between Ajibola B and I, I’m booking a flight to India, where Guru Asaram Bapu says “the modern holiday corrupts young people and breaks the nation’s backbone. Young people look at each other with lust before they are married.” What!? Lust BEFORE marriage?!? NO! No, no, no! Everyone knows that lust shoots through the roof AFTER marriage! He goes on to say that “the dissipation of their sexual energy weakens their eyesight, intellect and their future.”
Ladies, do you really want your bf’s going blind over a dozen roses and a pound of chocolate?
Don’t answer that.