The 63rd edition of the Cannes Film Festival, arguably the most revered film festival in the world, is slowly winding down, with the awards presentation happening this weekend. Overall, it was a decent festival, with some good selections in the official competitions. This year’s edition was light on the usual Hollywood glitz and glamour of past editions — aside from the Opening Night film, ROBIN HOOD, bringing the likes of Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchette to the Croisette, Hollywood fare was almost non-existent, leaving room for selections from European auteurs and emerging filmmakers. Screenings were easier to get into and there was definitely less parties. The penny pinching atmosphere was very apparent this year, as the Festival fully felt the film industry credit crunch. 

Pictured above are actresses Elizabeth Banks and Aishwarya Rai walking the red carpet, looking stunning. And still, the ubiquitous things about Cannes still existed. There were still glamorous parties, the big AmFar AIDS fundraiser hosted by Harvey Weinstein, day clubs full of exotic and beautiful people, and over-priced French food. Here are some other perennial examples:

Bystanders who're not accredited guests of the Fest, hold up signs every day asking for "TICKETS SVP." SVP stands for "s'il vous plais"

Some screenings were full, like this 8:30am screening for WALLSTREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS in the Lumiere Theatre (2400 seats)

Tim Burton is the President of the Jury and usually the President has an artistic presence in the Fest. Case in point: Burton's drawings displayed in theatre lobby. (Photo Credit: Roger Ebert)

The harbor, full of yachts, but there were less this year.

Not many people know that aside from the Festival, there is an adjunct convention called the Marche du Film, or the Cannes Market. It’s the true underbelly, the deep, dark secret that many Cannes Festival execs don’t really talk about. It’s their boondoggle, if you will, since they also can’t survive without the Marche. Let’s put it this way: If Cannes is a shop, then the Festival, with its prestige screenings, is the front window display. The Marche, on the other hand, is literally the bargain bin in the back of the store. 

The Marche is where the real action is. Full of “market” screenings of films that distributors and sales agents from around the world are hawking, they sit in their booths, handing out brochures, displaying mock-up posters and taking in meetings. It’s the business side of Cannes and if there is any global film index, then this year it’s blood, sex, exploitation, and shot for the cheap. 

Sure, I can rattle off on how great IM Sang-soo’s reimagining of THE HOUSEMAID was, or how Woody Allen’s YOU WILL MEET A TALL DARK STRANGER was similar in vein to his previous work like Husbands & Wives, or that Takeshi Kitano’s return to the Yakuza genre in OUTRAGE was his Unforgiven, or that Mike Leigh’s ANOTHER YEAR was my pick to win the Palm d’Or.

No, I’d rather showcase the untold stories from Cannes, primarily the schlockfest that is the Marche du Film. So, behold, some highlights of stuff that caught my eye from the annual film bazaar:

Synopsis: Sister Sarah, a rehabilitated prostitute turned Nun, is tracked down, raped, and left for dead by her former pimp (Chavo) and his merciless motorcycle gang (El Diablos). Unable to control her lust for vengeance, Sara sets out to dispense Judgment Day on those who did her wrong. Check out the official website. This was the “must-see” in the Marche. 

Synopsis: On the 100th anniversary of the original voyage, a modern luxury liner christened “Titanic 2,” follows the path of its namesake. But when a tsunami hurls an ice berg into the new ship’s path, the passengers and crew must fight to avoid a similar fate. No, not from James Cameron, but from The Asylum, and their bread and butter of making low-budget rip offs of big Hollywood tentpoles directly for the DVD market. i.e. When Transformers came out, they made Transmorphers, or for Terminator: Salvation, they did The Terminators.

Synopsis: A live action feature film adaptation of Rei Mikamoto’s 2004 Kyonyu Dragon (Big Tits Dragon) horror action manga, Kyonyu Dragon: Onsen Zombies vs. Stripper 5 features porn star turned mainstream actress Sora Aoi playing Rena Jodo, one of three (initially five) strippers forced to defend themselves from rampaging zombies.

This film takes the cake, in my opinion. It was awesome, and of course from Japan, the perviest country on Earth, with full admiration from the YOMYOMF crew, mind you. The American title for this film is rightfully called BIG TITS ZOMBIE. But best of all? It’s in 3-D! Check out the trailer:  “Konichi….WAAAAHH!!!” That, my friends, is perhaps one of the best scream queen lines ever.  

And this is the yin and yang of Festival du Cannes. I wonder if French icon, and this year’s model for the main poster, Juliette Binoche, is even aware of BIG TITS ZOMBIE?