Jacob to Bella: "If you like it pale, I can show you where the sun don't shine, baby."

Opening weekend of NEW MOON: time to bond with my screaming tween self.  Hell, maybe I too will get carried away and pine for Taylor Lautner’s underaged biceps to curl around the broken wings of my matured heart.

In New Moon (spoiler alert for anyone who doesn’t watch E! News regularly enough to already know the plot), the everyman Bella must choose between two men: Jacob -a native-american man with 8 pack abs and the ability to morph into a wolf the size of a Volkswagon bus- and Edward -a vampire who um, glitters.

Let’s just break it down into these digestible points:

1.) Edward must leave Bella because she is far too delicious to protect, even from himself.

2.) Bella mopes to emo music and has bad nightmares that make her emit yelps that strangely sound like orgasm cries.

3.) Jacob, her ‘friend’, not only builds a motorbike from scratch for her, he also always tells her how he feels, watches bad movies with her, and also goes fist-to-cuffs-to-canine-brutality with his own friends for her. (No ‘bros before hos’ for this guy!)

4.) Bella, on the other hand, tries to get in as much danger as possible so Edward can warn her to slow down in all of his CGI-ed glory. (Edward: “Look at me Bella, I’m super-imposed on the sky!”)

5.) Last but not least, she chooses… Edward.

WHY?  Edward is cold (he’s dead folks), and is so full of teen angst, he’s like a handsome Morrissey.  He lives in a huge 1970′s contemporary abode, and he drives a Volvo.  He’s so non-committal that he can barely decide how he wants his hair before he leaves his house everyday.

Jacob, on the other hand, is built like a brick house and is a man’s man: builds machinery, works the land, and often runs around as shirtless as possible.  He lives in a bungalow (that he probably built with his own hands).  He would do anything for Bella.

So of course, the natural choice for Bella is Edward.. cuz he’s pasty white, white-collar rich, and NEEDS her because he’s so torn over everything.   (I bet he’s a pain in the butt when he orders food at a restaurant.)  Once again, THE WHITE MAN WINS AGAIN!

So next time folks, if you’re a non-white guy, trying to pick up a chick at a bar and she turns you down; you can shake your hand to the sky and say, “Damn you Edward Cullen, for re-enforcing the ruination of my game!”