Is there no French word for LE HANGOVER?

In my last blog post, I reported on the more mainstream side of the Cannes Film Festival — hotly anticipated art house fare like THE TREE OF LIFE, MELANCHOLIA, THE ARTIST, as well as more of the glitz and glamor of the world’s most important film festival. But there’s a darker side to Cannes, the Marche Du Film, a film bazaar where companies, producers, agents, and representatives hawk their films, hoping to strike deals. This is really where the fun is at Cannes, because you see films of all shapes, sizes, budgets, and quality, and usually, they’re pretty genre-oriented.

The general rule of thumb is that sex, violence, nudity, and gore transcends all boundaries, and although this year was a “buying spree” for American distributors, the films that sell tend to be of the Z-grade variety, because a) they’re cheap and b), um… they’re cheap. On the flip side, there were also a lot of high quality genre films with great production values, and shows the globalization of moviemaking as foreign films compete and stand on their own, against bigger Hollywood fare (see: South Korea). So, in this blog entry, I’m going to highlight some of the more unique fare that inhabited this year’s Cannes. Although there wasn’t a film as magnificently cheesy like NUDE NUNS WITH BIG GUNS from last year (it’s rare to capture lightning in a bottle), it was still a pretty good year for schlock and genre cinema. Here are some highlights:

3D SEX AND ZEN: EXTREME ECSTASY: I’ve been badgered by Offender Phil for my review on this film. The market screening I went to was packed, full of horny buyers ready to sink their teeth (and wallets) in what is being advertised as Hong Kong’s first 3D porn film. First off, it ain’t porn. It’s soft-core, but that’s stretching it a bit. Nor is it as fun or inventive (in the sex scenes at least) than the Michael Mak version of the early 1990s.

However, this film does deliver on the goods of hot, naked chicks and yes, there’s tons of sex in the first half. Then, to make a point about hedonism, the second half is all torture, and torture in that cartoony, anime way, with torture devices, cutting off penises and seducing monks. Man, it was kind of rough, but then again, if you want to see hot chicks having sex in 3D with some very ribald humor (our main hero gets a donkey dick transplant), then this is the movie for you. Wouldn’t you want to see these babes in 3-D?

Breaking box-office records in HK and Taiwan, the film has become a huge hit. So huge, that mainlanders are trekking over to watch this film (it’a a little too racy for the censors in China). And it was just reported a couple of days ago that the film will be released in US cinemas! No word yet on release date, but expect I’m thinking sometime in late summer. In the meantime, you Stateside horndogs will just have to satiate yourselves with this trailer. Man, that CHINA 3D animated logo is the most patriotic thing since Lenny Rienfenstahl’s TRIUMPH OF THE WILL.

BONG OF THE DEAD: According to the Peace Arch News (who?), this is “The Citizen Kane of zombie movies.” When the world is taken over by flesh eating zombies, best friends Tommy and Edwin figure out a way to benefit from it by turning zombies into fertilizer for growing potent weed! There will be bud!! 

DEADBALL: Grab your bat and hold on to your balls… It’s Game Time! The latest from the cinematic nut jobs over at Sushi Typhoon, this splatter sports comedy pretty much has the same gross out effects and black comedy that all its predecessors had (read: THE MACHINE GIRL). Starring Tak Sakaguchi, this film is fanboy fun. 

DEAR FRIEND HITLER…: This is actually a pretty big budget Bollywood film… The thread of the film is based on the little known fact that Gandhi wrote a letter to Adolf Hitler before the start of WWII, pleading him to sway over to the side of human compassion. Soon after, Hitler’s army invades Poland. Intercut between scenes of Ghandi and Hitler’s last 10 days in his bunker at the end of the war, are scenes of an Indian revolutionary who joins the “Free India Legion”, which borrowed certain ideologies from Nazism. I came into this film thinking it would open me to little-known but possibly fascinating look in history, until Adolf Hitler came on screen. He was portrayed by Indian actor Raghuvir Yadav. In fact, all the German roles, even Eva Braun, are portrayed by Indians and they speak in Hindi. See for yourselves:  Look, I know it’s a double standard on my part. When Sean Connery is playing a Russian sub commander, who speaks in a Scottish brogue, I know this is no different than an Indian Hitler. But… it’s an Indian dude portraying the Der Führer! I found it just too weird. Plus, the common thread of the actual “letter” is way to thin to sustain the stories. Kind of like LIONS FOR LAMBS.

LAST CARESS: Five teens travel to a secluded manor to fuck around and get high, and instead get entangled with a cult and a sadistic killer. Pretty standard, but this French exploitation film is obviously influenced by giallo horror  but through the lens of an ’80s Eurythmics music video. it’s filled with over-the-top performances, nudity, human sacrifices, Risky Business sunglasses, and a New Wave synth soundtrack. Chez euro, indeed. Der Kommisar?

SECTOR 7: From the director of tsunami disaster film HAEUNDAE comes a major motion picture that looks like it’ll compete against cult classic THE HOST. An underwater creature penetrates a deep-sea drilling ship and attacks the crew on board. And so begins their frantic fight beneath ocean waters!! This monster movie looks promising and is set for release this summer in Korea with an eventual US release in major markets to follow soon after. Actress Ha Jiwon looks like she’s channeling Ellen Ripley. Looks like a lot of fun. There’s some exclusive news and artwork from the film over at Twitch.

So much, much more but I feel this serves as a good record of what goes down at the Marche du Film. Lots and lots of horror, splatter, nudity, and monsters. Good stuff, in my book. So to close this entry, I just want to share you what weird things are done at Cannes to entice potential film buyers. Or for that matter, not… Check out this warning that was taped on the wall outside a screening of the film CODE BLUE, which was in official competition in the Director’s Fortnight sidebar.

I saw this film. Did it hurt my feelings? No. But it did skull fuck me. A pretty disturbing film about deviant sex. Check it out!