According to a report just published in the British Medical Journal, the average person’s sex life ends by the age of 70.

This is correct. This is how it should be. This comports with my pop notions of evolutionary biology. Women can’t conceive any longer, so why should they feel the itch to knock boots, and men at age 70, while perhaps still able to squirt, do not have the energy to model active, vigorous behavior for their offspring, and, unless they’re rich, do not have the earning years left to support them through their 18th birthday anyway (and these days, let’s face it, a lot of folks have to support their deadbeat kids into their thirties).

Plus riding the flagpole at age 70? It’s just plain gross.

But here’s the kicker to the story. There is a gap. A painful, blue balling gap that may explain why older folks turn crotchety and cantankerous, and why they instead fixate on the well being of their front lawns.

Here’s the thing – at age thirty, men have an average of 35 years of sexually active life remaining; at age thirty, women have 31. That’s a four year difference.

That means that the average woman does not want to bump fuzzies after age 61, while the average male still wants to boink for another four years.

Four years of blue balls! That’s rough.

And with arthritis and denture issues setting in, I’m going to hazard a guess that the frequency of handjobs and bj’s really drops off, too. (well, bj’s drop off precipitously after marriage, period, so I guess that stat might be a bit skewed).

And then, of course, your 64 year old woman probably gets tired of her sexually frustrated 64 year old mate sulking about, so she gets resentful, and in the end, you’ve got a couple grouchy old farts, sullenly watching Family Feud and the Situation Room and not talking to each other.

Moral of the story: the next time a cranky 63 year old shoos you off his lawn, or says the country is going to hell in a hand basket no matter who’s in office, or tells you about his sciatica and rheumatism when all you said was “Hello, nice day out, isn’t it?” have a little sympathy.

Poor geezer probably just needs a little nookie.