This one is for my fellow Offender Roger a.k.a. YOMYOMF’s Twilight-er.

1. Attach 1,000 leeches to my naked body and watch as they slowly and painfully suck all the blood out of my system.

2. Smash a window and slowly and painfully eat all the broken shards of glass.

3. Walk into a bar full of Neo-Nazi skinhead bikers and shout out, “Damn, I’ve never seen so many dirty, inbred white people!”

4. Walk into a bar full of militant, man-hating lesbians and shout out, “Damn, I smell rotting pie!”

5. Listen to Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” on a continuous loop for twenty-four hours and every time I try to turn it off, a chimpanzee dressed as a ‘70s-era pimp beats me with his pimp stick.

6. Drive down the 405 freeway during rush hour (Los Angelenos will get this reference).

7. Jump into a den of lions wearing a body suit made out of raw meat.

8. Get a cowboy to brand my ass with the words “Property of Roger Fan.”

9. Challenge Manny Pacquiao to a three-round fight to the death.

10. Eat shit and die.

But is there anything that would actually get me to watch Twilight? Yes, if I were promised that watching the movie would result in an orgasm that would last uninterrupted for a whole month to be slowly brought on by Megan Fox, Michelle Wie, the chick I saw in the newspaper this morning modeling bras for K-Mart and the two Japanese porn stars I met earlier this year.