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Ten Pick-Up Lines You Should NOT Use On Asian Guys

  • June 7, 2010 12:11 am

In my last post, I promised to give helpful advice to our non-Asian readers who want to date Asian guys. Since I am a man of my word, let’s start with 10 pick-up lines you probably shouldn’t say to an Asian guy:

1. If I have sex with you, can you help me with my Calculus homework?

2. Baby, I have the yellow fever and I think you got the cure! By that I mean I just got back from Africa and I’m showing some of the symptoms of yellow fever and you look like a doctor so I thought you might be able to help me.

3. The kung pao chicken you delivered last night had too much MSG in it.

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pure joy

  • February 22, 2010 1:35 am

Last Wednesday I went to Santa Monica to have lunch with a friend.  We ended up eating at an Italian restaurant right on 3rd Street Promenade.  For those of you who have not been to “3rd Street”, it’s Santa Monica’s version of a European thoroughfare – an avenue running several blocks where no cars are allowed, with shops/restaurants lining the entire length of the boulevard.  It’s very cool indeed even though there are no strip clubs for women.

So here we were, eating lunch outside like hip Euros not in Europe when I began to take notice of some really, really out of tune singing.  Just a few feet from us was an African American street musician in a wheel chair, singing classic hits from the 70′s, 80′s, & 90′s.  He was not a gifted singer by any means.  In fact, he was tone deaf and would make William Hung sound like Celine Dion.  Dressed in his finest winter garb and sporting medical-grade glasses for the blind, he would butcher every single song he pulled up on his iPod.  Now you would think that someone who sounds like an out-of-tune, nasal whistle would repel all those within earshot.  But that was not the case at all.  There was a large crowd gathered around him and I found myself eerily drawn to his music.  I wanted to hear more.  But why?  The guy was terrible!  My theory is that he was singing from his heart so deeply and from such a raw, personal place that his passion and charisma entranced the surrounding listeners and trumped his supreme vocal suckiness.  Crazy, huh?  There he sat, singing with tremendous emotion into a 1930′s replica mic as if he was performing in Lincoln Center.  He sang stuff like Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”, Stevie Wonder’s “I Just Called To Say I Love You” and an endless string of other famous hits.  It sounded like shit but people loved it.  I loved it.  Sometimes pure joy can go a long, long way.

Have you ever encountered/experienced anything like this?

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XBox 360 Blues… betrayal of my techno-gfe lover

  • January 15, 2010 8:47 am

I loved my XBox 360 and I thought she loved me too.  We spent many late-night hours journeying through distant, exotic lands, killing invading aliens, driving 200 mph+ on curvy Italian coastlines, etc.  But apparently it was just an act.  Much like a high-priced escort, the whole thing was just an elaborate GFE to suck as much lust out of my bank account without me knowing.  So many games she so slyly convinced me to buy.  At $60 a pop, it’s not an inexpensive leisure.  I had been living a life of romantic fiction, only to be rudely awakened two weeks ago when I caught my love displaying the unmistakeable guilt of the Red Ring of Death.  My heart is now cracked and the wings of hope have forever been plucked from my soul.

I could have let her go, allowing her to die alone in my closet with the jagged scars of the RROD forever cut into my spirit.  But I am not a monster.  Though she plunged an ice ax into my heart, I called upon the combined forgiveness powers of Jesus, Allah, Yahweh, Buddha, & William Hung and dialed Microsoft 911.  Read more...

Where Are The Asian American Stars? Just Turn On Your TV…

  • December 26, 2009 11:28 pm

I was struck by a realization this week. It had nothing to do with learning the true meaning of Christmas or any crap like that, but about the age-old question that our community has asked over and over again—when are we going to have our own Asian American stars; i.e. our own Will Smiths, Angelina Jolies, Jerry Seinfelds and Tina Feys? And what I realized is, there’s one medium where we already have plenty of stars and that’s reality TV.

In just this past week alone, it seems like there’s been a “news” story almost every day about an Asian American reality star (or in one case, a wannabe reality star): Tila Tequila announced she was going to have her brother’s child (as a surrogate mom so get your mind out of the gutter), balloon boy’s parents (including mom Mayumi Heene) were sentenced to jail time and Jon Gosselin returned to his home earlier tonight to find out he had been robbed.  Read more...

Rost in Transration…BLING!

  • December 8, 2009 9:49 am

If you ever met a stupid asian, just know that it’s an act.  There is no such thing as a stupid asian.  It’s impossible.  Their brains are just too big.

I would know.  I am one.  I’ve spent a great deal of time in Monterey Park and many varieties of tart yogurt and boba tea stations observing the asian and I can say with complete subjective certainty: there is no such thing as a stupid asian.  Ugly ones, yes.  But stupid?  Absolutely not.

money

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But you’ve met a stupid asian, you say?  Chances are the faux-idiot is actually a genius AND REALLY DARN RICH.  They just managed to fool you.  Tom Vu comes to mind here.  William Hung as well.  As my grandfather’s grandfather’s grandfather once told me, “talk ress, do more, act stupid, and then build a huge grobal empire and make rots and rots of money.  then white women/man will ruv you rong time rike Tiger’s Wood” (sorry about the accent.  i’m sure he spoke chinese).

So, if you ever met a stupid asian, you now know it’s an act.  Being or doing stupid is not an accident for an asian.  It’s cultural.  Pretending to be stupid is very, very smart.  Especially for da bank account.

Below:  Top 10 Stupidly Smart Asian Restaurant Translations that you can’t forget.  ”Hey ma, let’s go eat some Golden Cock tonight!”  Genius.

Remember, it’s just business…

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Seven People Asian American Guys Can Pretend To Be In Order To Get Laid By A White Chick

  • November 21, 2009 2:19 pm

William_Hung_FollowI’m back to offer more advice to all my Asian American brothas looking to get laid by some hot white chick but having no luck. The reality is–white people can’t tell us apart anyway so why not use this fact to your advantage? Pretend to be some other more famous Asian dude. Here are some suggestions for brothas you can pass for in order to ensure you don’t spend another Saturday night home alone spanking your monkey king:

THE CHINESE DUDE WHO STEPPED IN FRONT OF THE TANKS AT TIANANMEN  Read more...

You Want Cheese? I Got Your Cheese!

  • September 25, 2009 4:31 am

Sung’s PiPi and Me post was a bittersweet look into his childhood and how some movies just connect with you because of your life experience at the time. But interestingly, the comments from this story sparked a little ire regarding what classifies as “cheese” or “b-movie”. Offenders like Phil argued that the movies he grew up with, were not cheese to him at all, but can stand on its own to “a-list fare” like John Ford’s work.  Read more...

When “Red Dawn” attacks…

  • August 10, 2009 3:03 pm

For the past 14 years, I have been an actor in Hollywood.  As with the career of any actor (famous, infamous, or unknown), it has been a roller coaster of ups, downs, victories, and losses.  There is a reason why most parents would not encourage their child to become an actor.  It is, at best, a completely unpredictable affair and most certainly not a meritocracy.  When people ask me what it’s like to work as an actor in Hollywood, my best answer goes something like this – imagine the superficial, social politics of junior high…and with that, you have the key, critical success factors necessary to excel in Hollywood.  Basically, it’s the exact opposite moral values that mom and dad tried to teach you as a kid.  When asked what it’s like to be an Asian American actor in Hollywood, my best answer is – imagine being a white guy, going to China to be an actor, and expecting to have a career like Chow Yun Fat.  Good luck round eye.

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Rog williampic_c  Read more...