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Finally! A judge who thinks like I do.
In Richmond, California, Otis Mobley Jr., 23, has been released on bond awaiting trial for allegedly trying to sell an undercover ATF agent a GRENADE LAUNCHER in the PARKING LOT OF A CHEVY’S RESTAURANT.
Why did he pick this spot? Was it the bottomless bowl of free chips he could enjoy before pulling the Taliban toy out of his trunk?
And how have Jon Stewart and Conan O’Brien not picked up on this?!
Anyway…
As my friend Gerard aptly put, “reading medical things online is a generally bad idea.” This was probably advice that would have served me so much better a couple days ago. Just when I read enough about something to feel fairly certain of its safety and effectiveness, some jackass has to come along and post something about how unsafe something is to use/take/get in enema form. Hypothetically speaking.
On the plus side, in most of these instances, the poster usually closes his writing by saying that flu shots are a way to put mind control drugs into the population and/or sedate us for the Time of the Beast. In other words, they go out of their way to assure me they are sane.
Hopefully, probably, you are not as neurotic as I am and you can just get a flu shot without so much deliberation. That means while I worry and worry, you can already enjoy this week’s post, which brings with it new essays on why Scott Pilgrim is awesome; cock-pierced hearts; and alien intercourse.
Yup, just let the classiness waft over you for a second.
Just wrapped Fast Five in Rio! Huge thank you to our dedicated crew and all the communities for their patience and hospitality.
Shooting on location is one of my favorite aspects of being a filmmaker. Not only do we get unprecedented access and support, I also get to learn and understand the inner workings of each respective locale and people.
Per Alfredo’s blog, it may be very easy to woo a man simply by offering up mindless sex. Women, however, are much more complex in the ways of romance. After reading Alfredo’s other blog “Nicholas Sparks: Death by Cotton Candy,” I assume not many men have watched a Nicholas Sparks movie nor ever intend to, thereby missing all the great tips on wooing that these and other fine films that score high on the romance-o-meter have to offer.
So here are the top ways to make a woman fall for you, based on what I have learned from popular romantic movies.
(Spoiler alerts: If you haven’t watched “Titanic,” “Romeo and Juliet,” “New Moon,” “A Walk to Remember,” “Love Story,” “Moulin Rouge,” “Dear John,” “Love in the Time of Cholera,” or “Cyrano de Bergerac,” chances are you never will anyway. But you have been forewarned.)
1. Be Incredibly Handsome
Unfortunately, the reality is, the number one common denominator of all romantic films is that the lead is incredibly handsome. No need to elaborate here.
2. Be Willing to Die for your Love
Dying is the most romantic gesture a man can make for his love. Just take a look at “Titanic” or any production of “Romeo and Juliet”. The act of dying will surely win any woman over. Sorry you won’t be around to see the results, though.
Fellow blogger Philip has mentioned that keyword phrases like “Megan Fox” and “Mannequin sex doll” drive major hits to the site. So I’ve decided to give yomyomf a huge boost in traffic today. How I propose to do that is by incorporating the top 20 search keywords (for Tuesday, July 20) according to Yahoo! into my blog. So yomyomf people, be prepared for an inundation of hits and spam linkage.
Surprisingly, “Megan Fox” is not one of the top 20 keywords and neither is ”Mannequin sex doll“. I thought I was sure to find “sex” or “hot babes” in the list somewhere, or possibly “Robert Pattinson” (or “RPat”) or any other “Twilight”-related key words. But no, none of these phrases broke the top 20. Granted this list changes daily, so this may just be a microcosm of search popularity.
The number 1 keyword search, folks, is “facebook”. Now why people would have to search for “facebook” is beyond me when everyone knows the web address is “facebook.com”. I suppose there are a lot of people like my husband who hate typing the extra 4 letters “.com” and have to do a search to get anywhere on the Internet, which would also explain why “Hulu,” “Twitter,” “and “Pandora Radio” are also in the top 20. “Microsoft Bing” also makes the list, but why people would search for a search engine is beyond me. Seems to defeat the purpose.
The number 2 keyword is “Zsa Zsa Gabor“
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Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! I am today’s entertainment!
I was eating at Arby’s this week when I ordered four Roast Beef Sandwiches. Four, okay? That’s how many I ordered. So I get to the window, hand them my card. They charge me. I look at the receipt – yep, it said four there too. Then the guy hands me my bag of delicious and I drive home. When I set my prize down on the kitchen table and open it, guess what was inside?
FIVE FUCKING SANDWICHES!
FUCK YEAH!!
Yep, I got five sandwiches when I only paid for four. I was pretty happy about that.
It’s about the small victories.
This week on YOMYOMF, we clear up some vaginal myths; explore the world of animal paint jobs; and indulge in some aural nostalgia in the form of songs that remind us of those frigid ice queens who break our hearts and then stomp on them with their pointed stilettos.
That felt good! Shall we?
Yes, the incessant shrieking of tween girls and 40-year-old gay men you’re hearing in the otherwise still night air means that yet another Twilight movie is almost upon us (this time in the form of Twilight: Eclipse). I get that this franchise has a bunch of rabid fans as evidenced by all the losers people who camped out in downtown L.A. days before tonight’s world premiere. And I’m sure my fellow Offender Roger will once again offer an argument in support of the film to lure me to the dark side (see past efforts here and here). But I will not be moved to foresake my anti-Twilight agenda (although future installments sound like they could be perversely entertaining). I blogged last fall about the ten things I’d rather do then watch Twilight. Well, I’m back with ten additional things that are more worthy of my time:
1. Buy BP stock.
2. Go blind from spending 2 hours looking unprotected at a real eclipse (scientifically proven to be less painful then spending 2 hours watching Twilight: Eclipse).
3. Watch Twilight: Eclipse stars Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning in that other movie they did together this year. Yowza! Who needs pale Edward and werewolf boy? Girls rule:
Dreams have often inspired writers. (I’m talking about the kind that you have during REM sleep, not the “I have a dream” type of inspiration.) Stephanie Meyer came up with her gazillion dollar book and movie franchise, “Twilight,” after dreaming about 2 people having an intense conversation in a meadow in the woods. One of those people was just your average girl, while the other was a fantastically beautiful and sparkly vampire. Several of Stephen King’s stories have been inspired by dreams including “Misery”. “Avatar” was purportedly inspired by James Cameron’s lucid dreams.
While I have yet to have a million dollar story idea come from a dream (wouldn’t that be nice?), I do find dreams to be a fascinating realm.
BOBBY
Bobby Glickert is a filmmaker and movie geek based in Los Angeles. He works for Justin Lin and spends his time working on film projects big and small. He is obsessed with Evil Dead 2, BBQ, and waiting for the I-Pad 3G to come out.
If I had all of the money in the world I’d definitely re-make Twilight with current day Peter O’Toole playing the part of the dreamy, brooding blood-sucking love interest Edward. And why is that, you say? I’d do it just to prove a point that a love story between a 109-year-old and a 17-year-old is freakin’ CREEPY!!!
Definition of a pedophile: an adult that is sexually attracted to children. An adult: someone over the age of 18. Granted Peter O’Toole isn’t 109, he’s still pretty damn old and wouldn’t it look a tad awkward if he was locking lips with a 17-year-old high schooler?? I asked a friend (who loves the books) how a 109-year-old bloodsucking stalker is romantic and she explained that it’s because “Edward has waited his whole life for Bella.” Hmm… Still kinda weird.
There may be no other Asian American actor in recent memory who has sparked as much controversy in our community than Ken Jeong but, as he demonstrates every week on NBC’s Community, he is also one of the funniest dudes around—Asian or not. But like other comedians before him, Ken may one day decide it’s time to stretch as an artist and prove himself in other genres: maybe as a romantic leading man or an action hero or even a cyborg killer from the future. Here are some remakes we think would be perfect for him should he ever choose to pursue this new career path:
BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985)
Ken Jeong as Marty McFly (originally played by Michael J. Fox)
In this version, Ken travels 30 years into the past to 1980—a time of disco, casual sex with no consequences and key parties. His future mom (played by Charlie’s Angel Lucy Liu) is a hard-partying slut who won’t give geeky future dad (played by Gedde Watanabe as Sixteen Candles’ Long Duk Dong) the time of day. Bif, dad’s romantic rival for mom’s affection, is no longer a dumb jock, but a sensitive and misunderstood singer/songwriter (played by Twilight’s Robert Pattinson) who brings his acoustic guitar to school dances, broods in dark corners and plays Jim Croce songs.
Are you a fan of the Twilight film/book series and of embryos? If not, do you know someone who is? Well, then here’s the perfect gift. It’s a series of stuffed embryo dolls modeled after your favorite Twilight characters including:
Bella Swan Embryo:
Edward Cullen Embryo:
Oh behave, little boy, behave!
In celebration of all things TWILIGHT and because I know Phil loves as much TWILIGHT as he can get, and I just wanna say TWILIGHT as much as possible, because Phil, it’s TWILIGHT weekend and don’t you forget it (TWILIGHT): let’s delve into TWILIGHT’s main draw: delicious, under-aged cougar snacks.
