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How to Survive Lunar New Year if You’re an Asian American Criminal

  • January 22, 2012 8:58 pm

Dear Asian American Criminal:

Let me start off by saying that I don’t condone your criminal lifestyle—the murdering, the thieving, the embezzling, the assaulting and all the other illegal, awful things you do. But I know you are loyal readers of this blog because…well, just look at the shit we write about. And as loyal readers, I feel an obligation to return that loyalty to you and I can’t think of a better occasion to do that than on this Lunar New Year holiday. So let me just give you this one piece of valuable advice if you plan on committing your heinous crimes on this day of all days:

Don’t do it in Chinatown!

It doesn’t matter if you commit your crimes in Chinatown on the other 364 days of the year, this is the one day you must avoid it because I guarantee that you will get caught. Why? Because if Hollywood movies and TV shows have taught us anything, it’s that white cops are always busting Asian criminals in Chinatown while the new year’s celebrations are taking place.  Read more...

Pizza Boomerang!

  • January 12, 2012 2:12 am

I want to live in a world where a Latino god from the heavens throws a pizza boomerang towards Earth as it hurtles at tremendous speeds to serve, protect, and entice us with all its pizza goodness.YouTube Preview Image That ain’t tomato sauce splattering all over that girl’s face. Oh, and that streaker who exposed himself had it coming!

Sofa Experience Communications, an outfit based in Spain, created this ingenious spot. I have no idea if Pizza Boomerang actually exists as a restaurant chain, but one can hope. In the meantime, you’ll just have to enjoy the majesty of Pizza Boomerang over at the official website.

Scottie Pippen and his Freudian Complex

  • January 9, 2012 8:58 pm

This has to be the most unintentionally hilarious TV commercials ever. Aside from Freud, what about just the fact that there’s a big basketball player, two cheerleaders and one “big foot” sub that is “too much to handle”, even for Mr. Pippen.YouTube Preview ImageHey, I’d have a party too with these ladies too… You know, with sandwich foods and some lemonade, laid out on a picnic blanket, just like Scottie. This commercial was made way back in 1991. And Mr. Submarine still exists in Chicago today.

I don’t know what’s more hilarious: That Pippen is a terrible pitchman, or the severe Aquanet infused bangs of the cheerleaders, or the part when Pippen slamdunks a sub sandwich, or when Pippen says, “Ladies, let’s go have a party!”, what he really means is “Ladies, let’s have a three way in my hot tub!”  Read more...

From a Firm, to The Firm

  • January 8, 2012 12:02 am

BEN

Ben Lee has written for the television shows ELEVENTH HOUR and FAIRLY LEGAL and is currently writing for THE FIRM, a series based on the John Grisham novel (premiering tonight at 9pm, then moving to Thursdays at 10pm, on NBC). After graduating from Harvard University and Columbia Law School, he worked for several years as a corporate attorney in New York before breaking his parents’ hearts to become a writer. You can follow him on Twitter.

When I was working at the old law firm, I rarely went to court. I didn’t pound my desk or strenuously object to anything. But here’s what I did: I wrote something around fifty pages long under ridiculously tight deadlines. I sent it out to a dozen people, who gave me a whole lot of notes that were inconsistent with one another. I listened to them fight about the document while I kept my phone on mute. Every once in a while, I said something that made me seem competent. After the call, I silently cursed everyone, revised my draft, and repeated the cycle until they all liked it or got tired of fighting about it, whichever came first. Little did I know how well this would prepare me for a career as a television writer.

As a lawyer, I helped private equity firms buy, revamp, and sell undervalued companies. I represented a subprime mortgage lender in Chapter 11 bankruptcy. I negotiated license agreements for American television shows to be broadcast in Poland and Malaysia. I drafted endorsement agreements between professional surfers and the energy drinks emblazoned on their boards. But all along, what I really wanted to do was write cool lines for pretty actors.  Read more...

An Open Letter to China on its Crackdown on “Overly Entertaining” TV Programming

  • October 28, 2011 12:01 am

Dear China:

Your government’s State Administration of Radio, Film and Television recently ordered your country’s 34 satellite TV stations to “dramatically” cut back on programs that are “vulgar” or “overly entertaining.” You further said that “Satellite channels are mainly for the broadcast of news propaganda and should expand the proportion of news, economic, cultural, science and education, children’s, and documentary programming.” So no American Idol for you, China.

I know this news is sending chills down the spines of those who were looking forward to more “entertainment”-related programming and still others are accusing you of government censorship. But I’m not here to criticize or critique your mandate. You’ve made your decision and I respect that. No, I’m here to talk to you about an even thornier issue—how are you going to enforce this edict? After all, there’s always the chance that some show that has entertainment value could slip through the cracks and you’ll find yourself with egg on your face.

Luckily, I have the solution for you. If you want to guarantee that your TV programs won’t be entertaining on any level, all you need to do is hire Asian Americans.  Read more...

Strip Club Commercials

  • June 16, 2011 2:04 am

I got a tweet from Complex Mag hawking the 50 Best Strip Clubs in America. So what do I do? I waste the next 45 minutes checking out the list, which is very comprehensive with icons and a specific rating system (Miami and Atlanta are the top states, it seems). There are clubs across this great nation with interesting names like Little Darlings, Strokers, and Jumbo’s Clown Room (I’ve been there, and it’s more of a cabaret show, but I digress).

Anyway, while perusing through the list, some of the clubs highlighted also had links to their own locally made commercials. Now, everyone knows that locally made commercials are simply the worst. They’re no-budget, badly acted and lensed, you name it. Local commercials for strip joints are so bad they’re amazing. Here are two winners, in my book — The first one is for a joint called The Valley Ball, located in, you guessed it, the Valley (Van Nuys to be exact). The mise-en-scene of this doozy of a commercial is of a botched operation:YouTube Preview Image I love the tagline at the end: “Smokin’ hot chicks!”

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My ‘Nine Lives’ or One Boy’s Journey Into Hollywood

  • June 13, 2011 12:01 am

KI HONG

Ki Hong Lee is a Korean American actor currently residing in Los Angeles. Upon graduating college, he served as an indentured servant at his parents’ restaurant while pursuing a career as an actor. After landing several roles on shows like Victorious, The Secret Life of the American Teenager and Modern Family, he was lucky enough to book his first big television series, The Nine Lives of Chloe King, premiering June 14 (tomorrow) on ABC Family. When not on set, he likes to play pickup basketball with little kids twice his size so he can feel like Michael Jordan. He doesn’t like long walks on the beach and prefers to sit at home watching movies all day. Here, Ki Hong blogs about what he learned as a first-time regular on a TV series.

My phone rings, I pick it up right away because I’ve been waiting the whole day for this call.

“Hello?”
“Hi, Ki Hong, it’s Dan (the Executive Producer of our show).”
“Hey Dan”
“Have you heard, we’ve been picked up! Are you ready to star in a T.V. show?”

Just like that I’m going to photo shoots, meeting with writers, and filming a freakin’ television show. Even to this day, I can’t describe how lucky I feel.

It started with an audition, then a callback, a producer’s session, a work session, a test, shooting the pilot, waiting two months, and a lot of hard work and luck to get that phone call.

And here I am…eight episodes in, with two more to shoot, for this awesome new show called The Nine Lives of Chloe King.  Read more...

MAGIC IS REAL!

  • April 11, 2011 10:35 am

My family and I were at a Target the other day when my father made a comment about a shopping cart in our way.

He told my mother and me about how these carts will stop moving once they pass a certain part of the premises.  My mother did not know this and was clearly impressed, wondering how they’d be able to do that.

I, on the other hand, did know this; had, in fact, the knowledge of this quality in the back of my brain somewhere; and had wondered about the very same thing for that much longer.

The only thing was that curiosity never pushed me to inquire as to how this is done.  It never compelled me to perform the Herculean task of doing a Google search about the whole thing.

And I’m not even going to start now.

Because this way, as far as I’m concerned,

MAGIC IS REAL!

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Hong Kong Launches Nude Cooking Show

  • February 18, 2011 12:01 am

There’s apparently a new cooking show out of Hong Kong entitled Naked Chef. Hosted by Flora Cheung, a model with supposedly zero culinary experience, the program will revolve around Cheung cooking all sorts of goodies wearing nothing but a see-through apron (catch a glimpse of her and that apron in the video promo after the jump).

The producer of this new show, which premieres this month, is also responsible for Hong Kong’s popular naked news shows that have been around since 2004.

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The Most Ridiculous (or Awesome) Edited-For-TV Movie Lines

  • October 22, 2010 12:02 am

We all know that when films eventually make their way to television, some of the more “colorful” lines of dialogue are edited or changed so as not to offend the viewing masses. Well, check out the video below for some of the more ridiculous (or awesome, depending on your perspective) movie-to-TV editing jobs.

My favorite is Samuel Jackson’s memorable proclamation from Snakes on a Plane: “I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane” which has somehow morphed to “I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane” in the TV version. Makes perfect sense to me. Check out the rest below.

And on a separate note, I’m heading south today for the San Diego Asian Film Festival to speak on a couple of panels “celebrating web 2.0 filmmaking” (though I’m not completely sure I understand what that means) alongside other folks who are probably not as confused about this topic as me including Just Kidding Films and the dynamic duo of Artichoke & Peachies. That’ll be at San Diego State University’s Backdoor at Aztec Center today at noon and the University of California, San Diego’s Cross Cultural Center at 2 PM. Then, join us at the big gala dinner tomorrow night where our friends David Henry Hwang (Tony-Award winning playwright, M. Butterfly) and Danny Pudi (Abed on NBC’s Community) will announce our five winning INTERPRETATIONS finalists. Finally, come out to our FREE INTERPRETATIONS Panel on Sunday afternoon. It should be a fun weekend for all (especially for those of you kind enough to buy me a drink…or two)!

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Korean Moms Object To TV Show’s Gay Storyline

  • October 8, 2010 12:01 am

A group of Korean mothers are so upset that the SBS Network’s popular Korean TV drama Life is Beautiful includes a “positive” portrayal of a gay couple that they have taken an ad out in the Chosun Journal to express their outrage.

The ad reads, in part: “If my son becomes gay and dies from AIDS after watching ‘Life Is Beautiful,’ SBS must take responsibility! ‘Life Is Beautiful’ has glamorized the culture of gays against what is realistically, healthy and proper for the citizens of Korea.”

This has opened up a flurry of heated comments from both sides including the following reply from openly gay Korean actor Hong Seok-cheon: “If such logic was true, all of those children that were on a part of the show with me should be gay by now, but they aren’t. The gay couple that is shown on ‘Life Is Beautiful’ is so beautifully and realistically drawn. If there really is a son out there that becomes gay after watching the drama, it is not because he became gay but because he actually was gay and finally earned enough confidence to come out.”

Now, let’s put aside Mr. Hong’s well-articulated plea for tolerance because…well, quite frankly, it’s boring and instead focus on the statement from these concerned mothers. Look, I have sympathy for these mothers. Not only do they have to deal with a major kimchi shortage, but now they have to also worry about their sons turning gay and getting AIDs because of a TV show. As far as the DNA tests prove I know, I’m not a parent but I can feel for these mothers so I want to do my part to support their efforts.

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Cruelty towards kids or comedy gold?

  • October 4, 2010 1:46 am

The Chinese are at it again. Here’s a clip of a comedy variety show where two kids are dressed as cops and are told to keep watch on a masked criminal and then an arguing couple. The result is a precocious but fraidy cat little girl who is literally scared shitless. Check out the clip: YouTube Preview Image Now, I have to say, it is funny and the girl’s banter is classic (even more classic is the oblivious kid next to her who probably is the glue eater class), but I gotta say, it is kind of alarming to scare a kid shitless on national TV.  Read more...