Top Ten Porn Parody Titles 2012

Yes, it’s that time of year again: my dear friend Robert Consing has come up with 2012′s top ten titles (he didn’t do the one above; frankly, he’s way more clever).  He also happens to be an A-list storyboard artist who has worked with the likes of Steven Spielberg, Michael Bay and David Fincher, but clearly he missed his true calling as a marketing whiz for porn producers.

1. Poonrise Kingdom

2. Zero Dark Squirty

3. Rust and Trombone

4. Cornholeintheanus

5. 21 Jump Meat

6. So Tight In The Cuntsman

7. Blowmetheus

8. The Dark Knob Rises

SAF Seeking… Clarity from Senselessness

Rest in peace, little one.

I’m a weepy willow.

I’m ironically sitting in the Denver International Airport, reading about the recent shooting massacre at the movie theatre just 17 miles southwest of me. I know I know, everything’s been said, everything’s been reported, everyone knows, blah blah blah blah old news, let’s move on. (Such is the attention of our internet generation.)

But today I’m reading about the lives of the 12 victims, and I know I look a fool here sitting at the recharge station with my stupid watery eyes and tight mouth trying not to make any sounds.

One Man’s Mental Process When Documenting Fantasy Basketball When He Doesn’t Know How to Play Basketball.

PROLOGUE:

I’m seriously being asked to document the fantasy basketball league? I don’t know the first thing about sports, let alone basketball! How will I know what to take pictures of?

This is gonna be like a still photographer being asked to document the behind-the-scenes stuff for a movie and only taking pictures of the craft service table.

It’s been how long since I touched a basketball? That’s one of the bigger sports balls, right? Justsayyesjustsayyesjustsayyes.

“Yeah, I’ll do it!”

…crap.

A year’s worth of shout-outs – 2011.

Jesus H. Christ – 2011 is nearly over. 365 days gone, just like that. The road behind me is stretching longer and longer and often I wonder what will happen next, what people will enter my life and whose lives I will enter. Maybe I’ll enter a few women too – haha, intercourse.

But switching gears for a second, I’d now like to take this time to seriously and genuinely contemplate those that have walked into my life over the past year – however brief or long they might have stayed. Some may still, in fact, be in my life as I write this, to which I can only ask, “What the hell are you thinking?”

Let me not waste any more of your precious 2011 seconds:

Tonight, I’ll be tweeting from the line of the midnight show of Harry Potter.

Tonight, the eighth and final movie in the Harry Potter series will be released.  I’ve been reading these books since about 2000 A.D. and so seeing this story close on the big screen is sure to evoke tears.

By the way, SPOILERS from any book before Deathly Hallows.

I remember waking up early in the morning to read Goblet of Fire, waiting for an important character to die to find that it was only Cedric.

I still recall slamming Order of the Phoenix shut in much anger after discovering that the first important character Rowling did kill was the badass Sirius Black.  I fuckin’ bawled.

I’ll never forget Snape killing Dumbledore in Half-Blood Prince and a two-hour phone conversation with my friend Linda about how Snape actually wasn’t bad.

And Deathly Hallows?  Well, I broke up with someone because she was reading it faster than I was so let’s not talk about it much.

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – MAY 28 – JUNE 3, 2011

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

Transitioning into June brings yet another choice week of subjects (as if you’d expect anything less!): phallic shapes in everyday life; coming (too) soon; and filmmaking on a Canadian budget.

All totally and predictably related, yeah?

THE COMMAND AND CONTROL STRATEGY:

“When that guy’s mind was ready to be a virgin again and filled with Bellichick juice.”

SHIT ON THE INTERNET: There Will Be Blood TV Spot – “Say It.”

This may come as a surprise to you, but I become obsessed with things rather easily.  Said tendency to fixate is usually restricted to movies and while I can’t remember the first film that bewitched me, some of the earliest instances of enchantment I can recall involve Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and The Mask.

Naturally, after I got older and my life got more depressing, my interest drifted towards darker movies and this phenomenon eventually occurred with There Will Be Blood.  By the way, here is my favorite TV spot for it – it would be weird if I posted the video after the jump even though the writing dictates that it should be.  I mean, it’s better this way – that’s it’s here.  I think it is.  Is this awkward? That I’m explaining this here in the middle of the article?  I don’t know – who knows?  Not me.

Okay, back on topic:

When this does happen – and, again, it happens fairly often – I end up living and breathing that movie till the next new obsession.  Of course, I watch it over and over – that’s nothing to write home aboutl.  No, as any of my family and friend(s) will tell you, the somewhat unique and particularly excruciating quality about my ‘condition’ is that I begin to compartmentalize a part of my brain just for memorizing entire scenes from the movie.  And naturally, I will start acting out the scenes whenever the compulsion strikes.

Yes, this happened with Inception.  Of course it did.