As you may have guessed, I have a weird fascination with zombies. And while a zombie apocalypse may be my preference for how the world has to end, I’d like to reiterate that I’d rather not have that happen at all, at least not until I’m dead and only my children and my children’s children are the ones that have to deal with it.
Let’s be real though: how likely is that situation anyway? How probable is it that some kind of virus will reanimate the dead, creating an army with no allegiances, no loyalties – only an insatiable hunger for flesh? Not likely!
I mean, hell – if that was at all a possibility, wouldn’t the government, the Red Cross, Center for Disease Control, have some sort of plan for it?
I was helping my parents look at furniture the other day when I finally resigned myself to the fact that the search would take more than a couple hours. Thank you, Sweden.
In that desert expanse of time between upholstery perusal and meatballs with lingonberry jam, I took to finding a temporary residence in the primary color-laden labyrinth. After playing solo, silent musical chairs for a couple minutes, I found a chair that fit my tushy like a glove and slowly began to space out with my iPod and cheap over-ear headphones.
At one point, a parade of a family started marching past me and, unsurprisingly, I couldn’t care less. My music’s blaring in my ears when suddenly, in the din, I can make out a faint ‘Hello.’ I brushed it off and ignored it for a bit before realizing that a small boy no older than three was happily waving at me – me, this veritable grinch.
It was adorable, a small kindness, and, in spite of the cold, cold winter in my heart, I felt just a little less dead.
Then I went back home to kick some dogs.
This week, your Offenders click-clacked their keyboards about dick size; masturbating with Bibles; and clues regarding Batman’s sexuality. So, all in all an illuminating time for everyone! Oh, penises. Read more...
Because I am vain, I admit to working out part of the time each day. Let’s not beat around the bush: I was the fat kid who talked his way out of physical education by giving the coach tips on how to beat the latest Nintendo 64 Star Wars game.
At some point in my life, I realized that knowing the most effective way to beat Boba Fett was not gonna help me lose weight and I haven’t looked back ever since. I’ve done most of my working out at home, always fueled by that pudgy specter of my past standing in the corner, out of breath with the stretched Pikachu shirt.
As part of my New Year’s Resolution, I finally stopped being such a hermit and started trying out one of my local gyms. If you’d like to stop reading now, here’s is a Cliff’s Notes version of what happened:
Exactly like that, but not really, you lazy twat. For those of you who are sticking with me (and why shouldn’t you? I mean, it’s not like you’ve got anything better to do), this was like that part of the Hero’s Journey where he goes from the known to the unknown, the known in my case being the creation of ass-indents into furniture and the unknown being any sort of strenuous activity to speak of. Read more...
Well, we’ve waited over 20 years but it’s finally here—a live-action porn flick based on the long-running animated hit The Simpsons.
Simpsons—The XXX Parody features all your favorite characters including token Asian chick Cookie Kwan (whose catchphrase “#1 on the Westside” will probably take on a whole new meaning in this film). Check out the completely-safe-for-work trailer below. Based on the evidence here, I predict that this could be the most disturbingly awesome porno ever (and that guy playing Homer does a surprisingly good imitation):
Update 2: Well, my Youtube link was taken down quickly by Fox. Updated with the official Hulu version, but only viewable within the U.S. (thanks Anson!)
Update: EW did an interview with THE SIMPSONS producer Al Jean, and he talks about how Banksy got involved.
For two things: First off, the Banksy tags. Oh, you don’t know who Banksy is? Then you have to catch Exit Through The Gift Shop, one of the best documentaries of the year. Secondly, the great jab at the show’s actual animators, who many of you know is done overseas in South Korea. Well, who knew the conditions were like this?
Guess who went to the movies by himself this week? That’s right: M. E. ME! I tried to look extremely pathetic and lonely so that the theater would give me one of their Inception posters. Oddly enough, it didn’t take me any longer to get ready.
And I didn’t even get a poster.
I went ahead and saw The Last Exorcism since it was getting a decent score on Rotten Tomatoes and I really just wanted to be in a theater again.
I got the right amount of scares for my money’s worth, and by that I mean scared enough to be entertained but not to be kept up late by an overactive imagination. Seriously – on a Wednesday night, a theater is pretty fucking empty and that definitely amps up the level of fear a person feels. Or, at least, that I feel.
The print I saw had the trailer for the Guillermo Del Toro-produced flick Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark and that’s probably one of the most interestingly done trailers I’ve seen in a while. I highly suggest seeing it in an actual theater, but if you can’t wait, there’s an app for that:
Jesus, seeing that in a small, confined, darkened space with that voice sounding like it’s in every which way around you yet remaining unseen – that’s some nightmare shit and it’s pretty awesome. I’m just really glad no one could see me looking over my shoulder ever couple seconds. Although I think the teens in front of me probably thought I was insane.
Oh yeah, tangent, but not really: the deadline of our Interpretations film contest is this week, on September 15! Good luck, everyone!
Soldiering on, I must say we had a pretty full, full week. Our band of brothers and sisters writes about hot girls making weird noises; the definitive meaning of ‘child butchers;’ and, of course, Inception.
I’m sure that most of our readers are familiar with Hollywood’s long history of “yellow face” casting a.k.a. the practice of hiring non-Asian actors to portray Asian characters, oftentimes with exaggerated and stereotypical make-up and mannerisms (Note: this is not to be confused with Hollywood’s “white washing” where an Asian character is transformed altogether into a non-Asian i.e. The Last Airbender and 21). And if you think yellow face is a thing of the unenlightened past, think again. With the recent announcement that Mickey Rourke would be playing Mongolian badass Genghis Khan, it seems yellow face is still alive and well.
But is every example of yellow face “bad”? If you put aside the problematic racial politics, are there any yellow face performances that are interesting and worth checking out? Well, let me put forth an argument for the five performances below. And to be honest, I’m actually curious to see Rourke play Khan. Regular readers of this blog know I have some history with the actor and wish him well, but I think Rourke is such a bizarrely fascinating actor that I sort of want to see what he does with such a role. It may be a complete train wreck, but I suspect it could very well be an interesting train wreck.
But until then, check out my personal choices for the most interesting yellow face performances to date (in no particular order after the jump): Read more...
I have been challenged to write about Inception once a week until the end of the year. Not that this really changes anything because I was planning on doing that anyway.
I’m getting progressively more nervous with every installment of this column because we are catching up to a future in which Inception will be pulled from the theaters and a long, dark wait for the Blu-Ray will loom over the world. But since we’re not there yet, chin up, all!
The other day, I was making conversation with a clerk at my local shopping mall. Of course, I quickly steered our dialogue onto the subject of Inception and she informed me that she had seen it with her boyfriend. After I got over my disappointment, she commented that she had liked it but that her boyfriend thought it was a “little complicated.”
She went on to say that he felt like it was good but that “you really have to pay attention the first 45 minutes or you’ll get lost. Otherwise, the dreams feel random.”
For everyone reading this who loves the original Star Trek and the music of Ke$ha and always wondered, “oh, when will these two loves ever meet?” Your prayers have just been answered:
Man, I so regret never having taken mushrooms and watching Star Trek. But while we’re on the topic of Ke$ha and geekdom, if you missed these other videos the first 1 million times they were posted on the internet, here’s your second chance at redemption: Read more...
You gentle folk know the drill by now. I read YOMYOMF. I make snarky remarks. You are disgusted and repulsed by my sense of humor. You wonder what kind of person could possibly think like that. I keep up my bizarre persona. I stay cooped up in my room, crying, keeping my defense mechanism of weird sarcasm and non-sequiturs up, lamenting my permanent inability to relate to others.
YOUR MOM.
This first week of June, YOMYOMF mourns fallen actors, big and small; tackles the various lesbians who look like Justin Bieber (figuratively); and explores the matter of animal genitals. Again.
The good folks over at TV Squad have compiled videos of some of our favorite cartoon characters re-interpreted as real-life, three dimensional entities. And all I can say is–if cartoons were indeed real, they’d be creepy as fuck. Check out some of them below:
SOUTH PARK
Here’s a clip from a live action version of South Park from the Netherlands:
