You are currently browsing all entries tagged with 'sex'

Let’s Get It On – Panda-Style

  • March 28, 2012 10:36 pm

The Ueno Zoo in Kyodo, Japan has confirmed that the two pandas under its care—Ri Ri and Shin Shin—have started mating in their outdoor enclosure this past weekend. Zoo officials closed the exhibit to the public to give the pandas their privacy although it may re-open as early as today.

So two pandas get it on at a zoo—why is this news?

Apparently, it is extremely difficult to get pandas to mate. Either they’re never in the mood or they’re just really picky. I think I dated women who were pandas in their previous lives. So when they knock boots paws, it’s cause for excitement.  Read more...

Add Your Own Caption: Froggy-Style Edition

  • February 17, 2012 12:01 am

If you’re not already following us on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr, you’re missing out on a lot of extras you won’t find here on our blog including updates on various Offender-related projects (like the most recent updates about our upcoming YOMYOMF Network on YouTube) and silly, fun things like “Add Your Own Caption.” This is where we post an image we find online or that our readers forward to us and ask you to write an appropriate caption to accompany that image. And we’ll feature some of the captions here.

And the featured caption for this week comes from reader Claude Chung:

Even Kermit has Yellow Fever.

So check out our Facebook page for future editions of “Add Your Own Caption”, write your own caption and/or “like” the ones you think are worthy and we may share them here.  Read more...

15 Things Non-Asian Women Should Never Say to an Asian Guy while Having Sex with Him

  • December 18, 2011 11:03 pm

Everyone with half a brain knows that Asian guys are the most virile, masculine and sexually-desirable men on the planet. Yet, for some reason, there still exists this stereotype of Asian males as wimpy, emasculated and asexual. And worse still, there are Asian guys who’ve bought into this stereotype and feel insecure when it comes to the opposite sex, especially non-Asian women.

So with that in mind, if you’re a non-Asian chick and you hook up with a brotha at that holiday party or in the fitting room of your local Forever 21, here are 15 things you probably shouldn’t say while the two of you are gettin’ it on:

1) Kim Jong-Il used to make that same squinty-eyed face when I’d go down on him too. *Sigh* I miss him.

2) Just a heads up—I’m really mad at my racist father and to get back at him I told him we’re having sex so he should be bursting into the room any second now with a shotgun.

3) Why yes, that is a “Property of the Aryan Nation” tattoo on my vagina.

4) If I swallow, will you do my trigonometry homework for me?

5) My bad! I thought being violated by octopus tentacles during sex was normal in your culture.  Read more...

QUICK ADVICE: The Sex-Killing Shuffle.

  • December 10, 2011 12:00 am

Hi, Internet. Do you think you will be engaging in intercourse with a new sexual partner this weekend? Okay, well then this blog is for you.

I’m sure you have a music library at your place and you’ve got your fair share of sexy, two-backed-beast songs in it. That’s all well and good.

Now I’m also aware that once you’re in the thick of that date and you’re looking to seal the deal, the last thing that’s on your mind is probably your musical choices, beaten by a couple thousand mental miles by your genitals.

Good sirs, dear ladies – if this indeed is the case, then I ask that you not put that iPod of yours into the stereo whilst on Shuffle mode.  Read more...

Sex with Animals Can Lead to Penile Cancer

  • November 13, 2011 10:20 pm

So according to a new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, having sex with animals can double your chances of getting penile cancer.

The study’s lead author, Stenio de Cassio Zequi, said: “We think that the intense and long-term SWA [sex with animals] practice could produce micro-traumas in the human penile tissue. The genital mucus membranes of animals could have different characteristics from human genitalia, and the animals’ secretions are probably different from human fluids. Perhaps animal tissues are less soft than ours, and non-human secretions would be toxic for us.”

This report raises all sorts of interesting and disturbing questions. First, who knew there was such a thing as penile cancer? Well, apparently there is. Fortunately, it’s quite rare—there have “only” been 1,360 reported cases of it this past year with 320 resulting deaths. Still, I can only imagine how…painful and all-around bad contracting penile cancer would be so I guess it’s good that this study exists to tell us one thing we can all do to avoid such a fate.  Read more...

SAF Seeking…. Mom and Dad’s Approval

  • November 6, 2011 1:47 pm

Oh, my EYES!


He wasn’t quite erect but he was aroused. Wait, was was THAT?! Oh, pardon me, he’s highly erect. And somehow, in his sleep-heavy haze, he’s somehow magically taken off his underwear. He is spooning me in his nakedness; I am fully clothed in my pink flannel jammies with the sledding, knit-cap wearing polar bears.. and now I have a ginormous fleshy pestle trying to pound my lower vertebrate into powder.

Feed my need!

I’m not quite awake, and you know when it’s sleepy sex… not quite awake to pamper and respond, not quite asleep to be oblivious. Just sex. Like two lions in the wild. No mating ritual required. No personality or technique needed. Just wham bam! and zzzzzzzz again. I don’t really want to wake up, I just want to feel the pleasure that he’s slightly too sleepy to realize he’s giving.  Read more...

Apparently Vegetarians Do Enjoy a Little Meat in Their Mouths

  • September 17, 2011 2:45 pm

The dating site OKCupid released the results of a survey conducted amongst its members a couple of weeks ago that revealed that vegetarians enjoy oral sex more than their non-vegetarian counterparts.

Not only that, but as you can see from the chart below, vegetarians also enjoying giving oral sex way more than non-vegetarians:

 Read more...

Why You Shouldn’t Build a Tree House for Your Kid that Faces my Bedroom Window

  • September 13, 2011 7:52 pm

So I woke up the other morning to another glorious Southern California day, bounced over to my window and pulled open the shades to let the sunshine in just like I imagine Julie Andrews must do every morning to see…wait, that wasn’t there the last time I looked. It was a tree house. Towering over my neighbor’s backyard fence. My neighbor must have built it for his son, Joey (name changed to protect the soon-to-be-corrupted innocent). I had a clear, unobstructed view of this new creation from my bedroom window. What that also meant was whoever was up in that tree house would have a clear, unobstructed view right into my bedroom. 

Or to put it in more practical terms—little innocent Joey was about to get an education in things that a young child shouldn’t see. Hell, he was about to get an education in shit that a grown adult shouldn’t see. Yup, my neighbor’s 7-year-old kid was in for an…interesting viewing experience.

I’m not even talking about all the freaky sex stuff the boy’s going to witness—I mean come on, that’s a given. I can already guarantee you that after what I have scheduled for this upcoming weekend, he’s going to learn about every single thing that can happen between a man, a woman, a stick of butter, a can of police mace and a dwarf wearing a R2-D2 costume with a flip cam. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  Read more...

My trip to a sex shop.

  • September 12, 2011 12:43 am

Ah, sex shops.  Depending on your mindset, those places can be real awkward to walk into.

Thousands of questions start up in my brain whenever I decide to visit.  What should you wear?  Should you shower?  Do you tell them you’re getting something for someone else?

Or maybe you just play it cool and this past weekend, I was actually able to do that – keep it cool – and as my luck would have it, even that wouldn’t spare me an awkward moment.

This place was nothing at all like the seedy-looking one pictured above.  It was pretty classy, in the middle of a town plaza, with one of those names that doesn’t sound dirty at all.  You wouldn’t be able to tell just from the outside that this place sells three-pronged vibrators.  Read more...

YOMYOMF HAIKU CORNER: You’ll never get your Star War back, nerds!

  • September 3, 2011 12:00 am

George Lucas making
More changes to Star Wars on
Blu-Ray – big surprise!

This week, the Nerd Universe – ever expanding by the second – learned that George Lucas would be making more changes to Star Wars as it comes out on Blu-Ray.  In related news, they also discovered the sky outside their parents’ basement is blue.

I mean, seriously?  After experiencing so many iterations of the Saga, each one becoming progressively more distant from its original form, did they really not see this coming?

These fans are like those
In abusive marriages
Saying, “They’ll change soon!”  Read more...

The Cock-Blocking Power of ‘Harold and Kumar’

  • August 19, 2011 12:09 am

She could’ve had me. She could’ve taken me back to her place. Ripped off my clothes. Done to me any of the 347 sexual things a woman can do to a man without breaking any local, state or federal laws. And it would’ve been so goooooood! The best minute hour night long really long night of her life. But nope, she blew it. All because of her disdain for the upcoming holiday flick A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas.

At first, we were hitting it off. You know how it is—you’re in a roomful of people but it’s as if only the two of you exist. We’re talking about movies and the conversation turns to the new trailer for the upcoming third installment of the Harold and Kumar series. I tell her how much I enjoyed the first two and that, based on the trailer (which you can catch below), I’m looking forward to the next one.

Then, even though it is the middle of a hot August night, a sudden chill runs between us. Like a river. A really cold river. That could freeze a polar bear’s ass if he were to dip his ass into that cold river. The river being a metaphor for the chill running between us. And the polar bear’s ass being a metaphor for…uh, where was I…  Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – JUNE 25 – JULY 1, 2011

  • July 2, 2011 12:10 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

This week, the Offenders discuss whom not to rape; frisbee killings; and dental robots realistic enough to do the two-backed tango with.  Thanks for the assist, Shakespeare!

INDIAN WOMAN CHOPPED OFF HEAD OF MAN WHO TRIED TO RAPE HER THEN PARADED THE HEAD AROUND TOWN:

“The woman was working in the fields; using the aforementioned sickle to cut grass when the man tried to sexually assault her. But the woman decided to defend herself. One guess what she used to fight back with?”

I would have been in suspense at this point if the title hadn’t ruined the surprise – MARK FOR SPOILERS NEXT TIME PLEASE.

By the way, Snape kills Voldemort.

VIDEO SPOTLIGHT: ASSASSIN’S CREED REVELATIONS TRAILER.:

In which I highlight an exceptional video game trailer and an interest that explains why I am forever alone.  Read more...