So according to the media, there are more and more white people in America who consider themselves a “racially oppressed” minority. As La Salle University sociologist Charles Gallagher concluded after studying this “issue”: “We went from being a privileged group to all of a sudden becoming whites, the new victims. You have this perception out there that whites are no longer in control or the majority. Whites are the new minority group.”
While I’ve already encouraged white folks to embrace their whiteness and take pride in who they are, I think this oppressed minority angle is a bit of a stretch. OK, you were passed over for that college scholarship in favor of a non-white person so you’re saying you now know what it’s like to be a minority? Boo fucking hoo! That’s like getting a paper cut and saying that you now know what it’s like to be injured while fighting in a war. Nope, if you really want to claim minority status and expect folks to buy it, you need to do more. And since I’m all about supporting my white brothers and sisters, here are seven things you can do if you want to be taken seriously as an oppressed minority.
1) CREATE MORE OFFENSIVE RACIAL SLURS FOR WHITE PEOPLE
Chink, Nigger, Spic, Gook…now those are real racial slurs. Even if you had no idea what those words meant, they still sound offensive. But what do white people have? Honkey? That sounds like the name of a cute feathery animal in a Mother Goose story. Cracker? How is it offensive to be called something so delicious and good to eat? Whitey? Now, that’s just plain lazy. Those are some of the weakest slurs I’ve ever heard. If you want people to give you props as an oppressed minority, you need to do better than that and come up with names that really sting. If any of our readers have suggestions, leave ‘em in the comments section below. Let’s help out our clueless white brethren.
So I was at some social function last week and ran into an old friend named Gary whom I hadn’t seen in ages. Spent about 20 minutes catching up before realizing that Gary was not Gary at all, but another old friend named Sam. I don’t know if he was just being polite when I kept calling him “Gary” but once again I mistook one white person for another. I can’t say this happens with too much frequency but it has happened before. Look, I’m sorry but the simple truth is that a lot of white people look alike. 
