I Want to Go to There: Chinese Pizza Edition

So saw the following pic over at Boing Boing:

It was taken by photojournalist John Lehmann at a Pizza Hut somewhere in China. And what is it exactly? “A hotdog encrusted shrimp tempura pizza with mayonnaise”.

The loud thump you just heard was the sound of me falling off my chair. I’m not saying if we had access to such a food product here in the U.S. that I’d eat this all the time or really even eat it at all (Oh, note to Pizza Hut: damn you for not offering this here!). But knowing that such a glorious invention even exists…well, this truly is a wonderful world.

The Purity Bear Returns to Stop You From Getting Laid (and She’s Black and Sassy)

Yesterday may have been Valentine’s Day to most, but it was also the Day of Purity—the time when virginal teens vow to be true to God and not have sex until marriage. And to make sure youths do not stray from the right path, you may remember this video featuring the purity bear and his strong message of abstinence to show them the way.

Well, the purity bear is back, but this time he it she has apparently morphed into a sassy black female bear.

Check out the video below and heed the bear’s all-important message: when guys tell girls they love them, remember that guys also love pizza and they’ll dump you just like they dump the pizza box after they’re done with it! Preach it, girl bear!

http://youtu.be/WB1G8YF-B4Y

FORGET EVERYTHING YOU KNOW (ABOUT PIZZA) or The Secrets of Soul Man, CPK and the Genesis of Benihana

FADE IN

INT. OFFICE — DAY

Not being white has helped Norith achieve a youthful glow. For now. As he sits at his desk, facing a screenplay on his desktop that stares back like a fucking vampire that wants not just his blood, but his soul, DNA and spinal cord.

The screenwriting business weighs on this man, if you can call him that. But today is no different than any day. He writes like a Chinese boy working a double shift. Typing endlessly. Maybe pointlessly.

Then the typing stops. His eyes wander toward his Safari page, which he clicks. Checking his Yahoo email box. Empty.

Now, he checks his other empty email box. Empty.

There is nothing going in sports in June. Damn.

                               NORITH
     Probably better for the whole fucking country.
     If there’s lockout, people will probably start reading
     again.

Then, he dares to check his Facebook page. From the look of his page, and measly 206 friends, he is not one to post his thoughts or feelings for the public. So why Facebook?

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week – June 6-12, 2010

Bonjourno, mes amis! It’s funny there was this guy earlier this week who was so intent on correcting me about my perfect French. Fuck you, guy. If there’s two things in the world my cold heart can love, it’s ignorance. Oh, and irony. Right, that would make two.

Family is a funny thing. It is said they often know best because, well, they do see you the most out of anyone. And you do share the same blood. I don’t mean what Angelina Jolie and her brother used to do either.

now that's what i call brotherly sexual attraction. it works better as 'love.'

Then why did my mother suggest a psychiatrist to me?

Hahaha!

I don’t know why I’m laughing!

In this most definitely sane week at YOMYOMF, we tackle the culinary value of cats; the irresistible influence of Paul Newman; and compensation copulation.

You’re gonna wanna read about the compensation copulation.

She said, “Come on in!”

Six Signs You’re Getting Old

Just because you still feel healthy, your memory isn’t shot to shit and you don’t go to the restroom 20 times each night, doesn’t mean you’re not getting old. Here are 6 signs that might mean you’re already over the hill and should just resign yourself to no longer avoiding things like this

1) WORDS HAVE DIFFERENT MEANINGS THEN THEY USED TO WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER

Back in my day, a “droid” referred to gay robots that lived in outer space, not a technologically advanced smartphone (how the fuck can a phone be smart anyway? It’s a machine!). “Face Book” was the title of a porno about a sexy librarian’s erotic adventures, not a social networking site that’s the biggest time-waster since the invention of masturbation. “The situation” referred to a problem you had to deal with, not a reality show-starring douchebag. (The) “Paris Hilton” was someplace that would beckon you to come inside when you were looking to get away for a fun time, not, well…OK, that one’s still the same. But my point still stands–stop confusing us! Quit recycling old words and come up with new ones.

Say ‘I Love You’ With A Heart-Shaped Pizza

If you’ve always thought that the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for your special someone would be a pizza in the shape of a heart, Domino’s Pizza in Japan is way ahead of you and will be serving its heart-shaped “Happy Valentine Pizza.”

But this isn’t the first time a pizza chain is offering such romantic fare. If you remember in 2009 (or maybe not since the promotion was a bust), the Papa John’s chain offered customers their own “Heart-Shaped Pizza” for Valentine’s Day. As I said, it didn’t sell too well so I doubt we’ll be seeing it again this year.

R.I.P. To An Old Friend

I knew something was wrong the moment I tried to call. The voice on the other end was saying this number was no longer in service and if I felt this was an error to try again. It had to be an error. So I dialed again. And again. And again. Same message. I double-checked the number online and with information—it should’ve still been working. But if it wasn’t…well, it was too horrible to imagine what might have happened. So I did the only thing I could do. I jumped in my car and drove. I drove as fast as I could through the holiday traffic and when I got there…my worst fears were realized.

Rain, Rain Don’t Go Away

2120931169_19177415c2Here in L.A., we’re getting our first real rain of the season and I love it. There’s nothing better than a lazy rainy day. I love the sound of the rain falling outside; mixed with my mood appropriate music mix playing on the stereo at just the right volume. A cup of hot green tea. Catching up on my reading or writing. Thinking about someone special and that warm feeling of anticipation knowing you’ll see her later. That’s my perfect moment. The only thing that would make it even better is if a large Round Table Supreme pizza and a tub of Thrifty’s strawberry ice cream magically appeared before me.

This song always perfectly captures this feeling for me:

Awesome Things I’ve Recently Put In My Mouth

food_titleMy fellow Offender Elaine is vacationing off in some remote corner of the world where the internet is still just science-fiction so I will be asking today’s “Around the horn” question of the day on her behalf. Since Elaine is one of our resident foodies (see here and here for proof), I thought I’d honor that by making today’s entry about food.

I’ll pretty much eat anything, but I usually tend to be a creature of habit and go for my comfort food fixes. But recently I’ve been trying some new places with very happy results. See below to read about what I’ve been eating and really digging here in L.A. these days—from my (mostly) new discoveries to my ultimate comfort food. All are highly recommended.