You are currently browsing all entries tagged with 'penis'

SAF Seeking… Wake Up Call

  • October 23, 2011 7:40 am

It’s the greatest penis ever… and I’m afraid of it.

It’s like the Jesus penis, so great that it’s untouchable. So great that general worshiping isn’t enough, one must do missionary work in Uganda to earn the chance to see it in person. And sadly to say, I’m paralyzed by fear when it emerges.

Salty and sweet!!!

Now, yes folks, of course it’s just a penis. Your regular run-of-the-mill penis, just a tad bit smaller than a newborn’s arm, just a wee bit bigger than a fresh tamarind fruit. It’s color is flesh-colored, like somewhere in the range of human. Just a penis. Just an appendage that has no purpose but to inseminate and piss and occasionally cause some discomfort in tight yoga poses like Eagle.  Read more...

Add Your Own Caption: Frisky Orange Peel Edition

  • October 16, 2011 3:51 pm

If you’re not already following us on Facebook and Twitter, you’re missing out on a lot of extras you won’t find here on our blog including updates on various Offender-related projects and silly, fun things like “Add Your Own Caption.” This is where we post an interesting image we find online or that our readers forward to us and ask you to write an appropriate caption to accompany that image.

Occasionally, we’ll feature some of these images along with the “best” submitted caption here on our blog. We kick things off with an image posted this past week with a caption contributed by reader Leonora Afuyog:

Buy an orange, get a banana for free.

So check out our Facebook page for future editions of “Add Your Own Caption”: write your own caption and/or “like” the ones you think are worthy and we may share them here.  Read more...

Super Gonorrhea, Penis Cutting & Homophobia, or Why Asians Ain’t Getting Laid This Week

  • July 14, 2011 1:01 am

Message to my Asian peeps: what the hell is going on this week? Did you all get together and decide to unleash all this shit at the same time to make non-Asian folks afraid to have sex with us? ‘Cause I think I missed that evite.

First comes reports that a “super” strain of gonorrhea that’s immune to all antibiotics was discovered in Japan. Scientists first identified this new and improved STD in a Japanese sex worker, but don’t know much about it or how it came to be. Well, I’m not a medical expert, but let me just throw this bit of advice out to our Japanese friends…maybe you should stop fucking octopus tentacles and robots. ‘Cause you don’t know where that shit’s been and what sort of new super STDs you’re creating.

Next, there’s Catherine Kieu Becker who allegedly cut off her husband’s penis on Monday and disposed of it in the garbage disposal. Now, on one hand, Kieu definitely doesn’t sound like your stereotypically submissive Asian woman so I applaud her for that, but she certainly hasn’t helped dispel the image of Asian women as craaaazy.  Read more...

YOMYOMF’s First (& Only?) Podcast

  • July 1, 2011 8:38 pm

So I’ve been hounding all the Offenders for the longest time to record a podcast. Whenever we meet up, which is rare because all of our busy schedules, we just have the craziest conversations. I wanted to capture that with a podcast. I finally was able to coax some of the Offenders who made it to today’s lunch to do it. Offenders on the podcast: Justin, Emmie, Phil. Jerome, Eric, David, Anson and me (Iris and Roger had to leave early, but we’re making them participate on the next one).

The result? Well, we do discuss things like Justin’s European press tour, how to pick up FOB girls, Pokemon (mostly from Jerome), and Thomas Jane’s dick. Oh, and something about blue waffles (please, don’t Google this, you have been warned). It’s pretty offensive with plenty of giggles and penile talk (thanks to a bottle of whisky and root beer floats) and let’s just say, it’s very stream of consciousness. If you guys like it, we can do more. If not, then hey, we made asses of ourselves. Here’s a link to the YOMYOMF Podcast.  Read more...

WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – MAY 28 – JUNE 3, 2011

  • June 4, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

Transitioning into June brings yet another choice week of subjects (as if you’d expect anything less!): phallic shapes in everyday life; coming (too) soon; and filmmaking on a Canadian budget.

All totally and predictably related, yeah?

THE COMMAND AND CONTROL STRATEGY:

“When that guy’s mind was ready to be a virgin again and filled with Bellichick juice.”

 Read more...

I’m Glad I Have a Penis.

  • June 2, 2011 12:00 am

That’s not to say the revelation just dawned on me.  Although, to be fair, you do take things for granted when they’re around all the time, like your genitals.

Fate rolled the dice on those a long time ago and unless you’ve got a lot of money and a good doctor, that equipment’s what you’ve got for the rest of your life.  Much like the various classes in a role-playing game, each gender’s got pros and cons.

Now what qualities may be considered as positive or negative is largely a subjective matter.  Largely.

I think everyone from both genders can agree that women unequivocally got the shorter (or nonexistent) end of the stick when it comes to urination.

Generally speaking, I imagine it’s not so bad, aside from the whole “having to sit” bit.  In private residences such as one’s home, I can’t see how it would be that big a deal, especially since there wouldn’t be many people at your house – again, generally speaking.

However, as a frequenter of public water closets, I have witnessed many a time the phenomenon known as “THE LINE TO THE WOMEN’S RESTROOM.”  Read more...

Pictures of Things that Look Like a Penis

  • May 29, 2011 9:00 pm

Do I really need to explain any further than the title already does? It’s a long holiday weekend, just enjoy:

 Read more...

Thirty Minutes of Breasts and Genitals.

  • April 21, 2011 12:00 am

This is an observational post, so I just want to warn you that there’s no punchline.  It’s just extremely, extremely crude.

My connections to my extended family are, generally speaking, very tenuous.  Even those aunts, uncles, and cousins that are only a stone’s throw away are people that can feel like strangers during the occasional family gatherings held throughout the year.

Thusly (that’s a fantastic word!), you can’t begin to fathom how foreign it feels to engage in social interactions with relatives from much farther away.

Like Los Angeles.

(The joke is that while Los Angeles isn’t walking distance from where I live, it’s actually not that far.)  Read more...

I hope you all know that my family reads this.

  • March 21, 2011 12:28 am

Sometimes, I get the feeling that I’m not appreciated enough.  I’m not just talking about on the Internet.  I mean in general.

But because this is the Internet, I can bitch about whatever I want.  And because the fact that I’m not appreciated enough in general is too broad a topic, I’m gonna pare it down to just the lack of appreciation on the Internet.

In other words, this is going to be the most specific bitchfest of all time.  Spellcheck just learned the word “bitchfest.”

A hyphen may or may not be required, depending on the region.

If you’ve read any of my previous masterworks, you’ll notice that most of my ouevre deals with sex.  Not the gender, but that which is the goal of all human endeavors.  Whether it’s P in the V, P in the A, A to A, V on V, or P2P, I’ve probably tackled it (FIGURATIVELY) and made light of it in one way, shape, or form (and there are many – HEY-YOOOOOO).

Now I realize that my humor is an acquired taste, depending on whether or not you’ve acquired taste. But whether or not you think I’m funny, I hope that you can at least acknowledge that I am brave.  Read more...

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week – January 22 – 29, 2011

  • January 29, 2011 5:18 pm

I was helping my parents look at furniture the other day when I finally resigned myself to the fact that the search would take more than a couple hours. Thank you, Sweden.

In that desert expanse of time between upholstery perusal and meatballs with lingonberry jam, I took to finding a temporary residence in the primary color-laden labyrinth.  After playing solo, silent musical chairs for a couple minutes, I found a chair that fit my tushy like a glove and slowly began to space out with my iPod and cheap over-ear headphones.

At one point, a parade of a family started marching past me and, unsurprisingly, I couldn’t care less.  My music’s blaring in my ears when suddenly, in the din, I can make out a faint ‘Hello.’  I brushed it off and ignored it for a bit before realizing that a small boy no older than three was happily waving at me – me, this veritable grinch.

It was adorable, a small kindness, and, in spite of the cold, cold winter in my heart, I felt just a little less dead.

Then I went back home to kick some dogs.

This week, your Offenders click-clacked their keyboards about dick size; masturbating with Bibles; and clues regarding Batman’s sexuality.  So, all in all an illuminating time for everyone!  Oh, penises.  Read more...

Banned on YouTube

  • January 26, 2011 12:02 am

My friend Philip Huang’s Youtube video titled “Masturbating with the Bible” got banned on Youtube. Youtube also put Philip’s account on a “6-month probation.” Residing in Berkeley, California, Philip is a self-taught and self-styled video artist who makes quite “out there” videos. Some of them are more irreverent and others are usually funny. For me, it’s cool that there are some “out there” Asian Americans making some irreverent works. His last video called “How to Destroy a Bible” is still up:

I gotta give it to Philip for being brave. I wouldn’t be able to post a masturbation video of myself on Youtube. According to his blog, Philip made the masturbation video as a statement against censorship as the Smithsonian pulled David Wojnarowicz’s video from an exhibit due to right wing groups’ pressure. So in protesting against the religious right, Philip wanted to make a point about the bible as an agent of censorship. In the video, the bible literally blocks your view of his penis as he’s masturbating. Read more about the banning on his blog.  Read more...

SAF Seeking… The Right Penis

  • January 24, 2011 12:02 am

Is it a better deal to get one big penis fish or a few smaller penis fish?


Size does matter. (Although, I personally think personality and technique matter more, but wait, let me finish my first train of thought…) Size DOES matter. And it’s not what men think, that bigger is BETTER. It’s not that either. It’s that ‘perfect fit’. Where your canal matches the length of his shaft… it just works.

For example, I have a casual partner I love to sleep with. I do. He’s awesome. The foreplay and sexual tension is FANTASTIC. The oral, very nice. It’s very Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. I love him very much but there is very little chance of us ever getting together as a couple. He has the need to sow his seed; I have the need to kick his ass every he does. Together, we’re not so good at monogamy.  Read more...