The 33 Strategies of Sports: Grand Strategy

You wake up one day and decide you’re going to take your goal seriously. No more bullshit. I’m going to do whatever it takes to succeed. You recruit your team, call up friends, colleagues, making your bold announcement. They’re behind you. You’re going to kick ass. You do the appropriate research on the internet. But something happens. This takes longer than you thought, since “researching the internet” unleashes a landmine of information — articles about politics, healthy living, sports, entertainment, free porn, the death of a celebrity, etc. Sometimes, you “research” for hours and realize you did not “research” anything. Additionally, the phone calls you are engaged in are no longer about your project — but the project of the person on the other end. You are now helping your colleagues with their project. Enough time goes by and you forget why you were so hyped up to begin with. You have lost track of your goal and are no longer pursuing it. You are now the cog in someone else’s goal.

You then begin the process all over again. This is the majority of how things go in life. How do you break this vicious cycle and reach your ultimate goal? Sports, perhaps the last primal act in entertainment, can be your great teacher in vanquishing this terrible habit. Welcome back to “The 33 Strategies of Sports”, a concoction of Robert Greene’s “The 33 Strategies of War” and sports history.

Back to the Future shoes bend my wallet over, prepare for pleasure.

A day I’ve long awaited had now become a day I so very much dread.

After over twenty years of being unable to cash in fully on Back to the Future Part II, Nike will finally be able to rape many a nerds’ wallets with their 2011 Nike MAG shoes.

Obviously, the details are still scant.  No one knows if the shoes actually tie themselves and I am still wary that the lights on the shoes shown in the video above are actually in the final product – BUT FUCK! It’s the friggin’ shoes from Back to the Future Part II!

I’ve been very prudent with my money as of late, all my funds going solely to food and the odd recreational drug or two (hello, Vicks VapoRub!).  With this sudden announcement, I feel as though I’ve been blindsided by a desire I’d long since forgotten.

I grew up watching Michael J. Fox not tie his shoes and as a very, very lazy child, I always hoped for the day when I too could not tie my own shoes.  With the passage of years, I still remain very, very lazy and very, very impressionable, so with a single obscure video, Nike has already gotten my money.  Which, by the way, is a total excuse for me to post this image:

The thing is yeah, I want it, but it’s actually more a compulsion more than anything else.

Dear Nike,

I am unabashedly a Nike fan. It’s not just because of the branding or the endorsements (although they do put out some kick-ass commercials and marketing campaigns), but rather because the performance and comfort of Nikes are far and away better than most other shoe brands, at least in my personal experience.

But despite being a lifelong Nike fan, I do have a bone to pick with my favorite shoe company.

Nike, I want to know: where are my Air Manus?

Now, I already forgave Nike for never releasing and pushing a signature Yao shoe to the masses (at least in the U.S.) because I understand big men aren’t as solid endorsers for basketball shoes compared to faster, more athletic players. But I’ve waited patiently for years, wondering: why won’t Nike mass release a signature shoe for Manu Ginobili? I’m not counting the super rare releases or the shoes that he happens to wear/endorse. I’m talking signature lines along the lines of the Jordans, the CP3s, the Melos, the Kevin Durants where you clearly know whose shoe it is you’re wearing. Come on, Nike–

GINOBILI!!!!!!

Kung Fu Kobe

I don’t like Kobe. I think he’s a punk. I don’t care if he’s a great player, a clutch player, whatever. Can’t stand him. Jussayin’. So when I saw these posters on Hypebeast, I had to giggle. He looks absolutely ridiculous. Of course it’s all for his newest signature shoe, the Nike Zoom Kobe V, which is totally dedicated to Bruce Lee (the colorway matches the yellow and black jumpsuit that Bruce Lee wears in The Game of Death, and details like the claw marks are from Enter The Dragon). I’m just going to wait for the Kobe lovers to chime in. But guys, look at these posters. Corny! Kobe is no Bruce Lee. And Bruce Lee never wore Nikes.

it Sucks to be Tiger Woods: Part 2

The Tiger is quiet.  Tis been 5 days since the Thanksgiving mystery crash and still no peep from the golf champion’s lair.

tiger_woods-shave

Being the star of a multi billion dollar brand, he has the right to do whatever he wants.  And though Tiger’s corporate sponsors are “standing by their man”, there is no doubt that these multinationals, who have banked & invested hundreds of millions into the Tiger Brand Image, are secretly crapping their pants if indeed Tiger could not keep his tiger in his pants.  Sometimes, silence is not golden.

So just in case things at Camp Tiger take a serious turn for the worse, here are a few minor adjustments that will allow the Tiger Brand to survive and prosper…

Nike:  Just Do It. Just don’t get caught.

Gatorade:  It’s In You…Tiger, that is.

American Express:  Your brain.  Don’t Leave Home Without It.

Gillette:  The Best A Man Can Get.  until you find someone hotter than your wife.

Buick:  Nothing Drives Quite Like A Buick…except for that stripper at Deja Vu

General Mills:  Grow Up Strong, not stupid

Tag Heuer:  Success.  It’s a Mind Game.  just make sure you sign a prenup

General Motors:  Built To Last rong time

Titleist:  The #1 Ball In Golf always finds it’s hole

please feel free to modify or add to.  Tiger needs us…

Plan for Success: Li Ning

Who said it takes money to make money? My bootcamp instructor always told me; Work smarter, not harder. I think Li Ning might have had the same instructor. Wait Li wha? Ning who? LI NING man! Mister 6 time medal winner at the 84′ Summer Olympics. Present day, he’s known as the founder of Li Ning Company Ltd aka China’s version of Nike. Never heard of his product. Well it does resembles a hint of the Nike swoosh (hmmm). And while Yao Ming wears Reebok on every Chinese television, Li Ning has Chuck Hayes (Yao’s teammate) reppin his company.

Still don’t know him. Well, when you can’t compete with Adidas’ $80 million dollar bid to sponsor the Beijing Olympics, then just be the MAN in front of the entire world lighting the ceremonial torch to start the games for the price of…um…NOTHING.

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