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Even the Animals are Mourning Kim Jong Il’s Death

  • January 17, 2012 12:01 am

We all saw the images of ordinary North Koreans mourning the loss of Kim Jong Il last month. But it turns out North Korea’s humans aren’t the only ones who were terribly saddened by Lil Kim’s death. According to reports out of the country, even the nation’s animals have been observed grieving their Dear Leader.

NK State News Agency KCNA reported that a family of bears was seen weeping at the side of the road. Not only that, but a flock of magpies was observed hovering around a statue of Kim Jong Il at the time of his death “clattering as if they were telling him the sad news.”

And of course, no one was sadder about the news than sad Keanu himself:

Why the Death of Kim Jong Il Means More Bad News for the ‘Red Dawn’ Remake

  • December 23, 2011 5:03 pm

Regular YOMYOMF readers know that we’ve been following the saga of the upcoming remake of the 1980s film Red Dawn since the early days of our blog when Offender Roger had his own not so pleasant experience with the project.

The original film was about a group of suburban American high school kids who must single-handedly fight off a Russian military invasion. In the remake, the bad guys are were the Chinese coming to collect on the huge U.S. debt. But the film has met with numerous roadblocks and delays including a post-production race change of the bad guys from Chinese to North Korean; presumably because the producers realized it’d be a bad idea to piss off China and its potentially huge box office profits (although the producers insist the change was made because some “real smart person” told them North Korea is a more “realistic” threat to the U.S. Uh…OK?).

However, the film finally received some good news this fall when it was picked up for distribution and even given a release date for November 2012. But alas, this positivity may only be temporary with the death of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il last week.

Why is this a bad thing for the film?

Dictator Fashion Revisited

  • December 20, 2011 3:51 pm

Last year, I had blogged about dictator fashion after it was declared in the Rodong Sinmun Communist Party newspaper that Kim Jong Il’s suits had become a “global fashion phenomenon.“

Unfortunately 2011 was a bad year for all those following the autocrat runway.  We lost two out of three of our despot trendsetters.  And even Fidel Castro has stepped out of the limelight into retirement.

Kim Jong Il’s successor, Kim Jong Un, clearly is not ready to take over the legacy of fashion icon that his father left behind.  The navy blue drubs that Kim Jong Un has chosen to sport simply blend in with his fellow statesmen.

North Koreans Mourn the ‘Death’ of Jon Bon Jovi

  • December 20, 2011 1:50 pm

Following on the heels of the death of Kim Jong-Il came news that rock star Jon Bon Jovi had passed away as well. But it turns out the latter story wasn’t true at all with the New Jersey rocker alive and well. However, it seems that the people of North Korea didn’t get the latest update and their love for the “departed” Bon Jovi may rival that of their love for their dearly departed leader if this video (courtesy of reader Elson) is any indication:

YOMYOMF Exclusive: Kim Jong-Il’s Last Words

  • December 19, 2011 10:59 am

Specific details about the circumstances around Kim Jong-Il’s death are still sketchy at best. However, in another YOMYOMF exclusive, we have learned from a source who was at the North Korean dictator’s deathbed that Dear Leader did have some last words to share with the world. And for the first time anywhere, here they are:

1) I knew I shouldn’t have hired Conrad Murray as my personal physician.

2) Anyone else find it funny I’m dying at age 69? 69?!!! Hilarious! You can’t make this shit up.

3) I feel bad for all the chubby Asian American comedians who will now be out of work.

4) You must not reveal to the world that our entire nuclear program is actually modeled after Mr. Burns’ power plant from The Simpsons.

15 Things Non-Asian Women Should Never Say to an Asian Guy while Having Sex with Him

  • December 18, 2011 11:03 pm

Everyone with half a brain knows that Asian guys are the most virile, masculine and sexually-desirable men on the planet. Yet, for some reason, there still exists this stereotype of Asian males as wimpy, emasculated and asexual. And worse still, there are Asian guys who’ve bought into this stereotype and feel insecure when it comes to the opposite sex, especially non-Asian women.

So with that in mind, if you’re a non-Asian chick and you hook up with a brotha at that holiday party or in the fitting room of your local Forever 21, here are 15 things you probably shouldn’t say while the two of you are gettin’ it on:

1) Kim Jong-Il used to make that same squinty-eyed face when I’d go down on him too. *Sigh* I miss him.

2) Just a heads up—I’m really mad at my racist father and to get back at him I told him we’re having sex so he should be bursting into the room any second now with a shotgun.

3) Why yes, that is a “Property of the Aryan Nation” tattoo on my vagina.

4) If I swallow, will you do my trigonometry homework for me?

5) My bad! I thought being violated by octopus tentacles during sex was normal in your culture.

RED DAWN REDUX: Plan Better

  • March 21, 2011 12:01 am

As my fellow Offender Anderson already blogged, the producers of the upcoming reboot of Red Dawn are making “tweaks” to their film to change the race of the invading enemy force from the Chinese to the North Koreans. Why? Because the movie’s producers have ostensibly realized that China is apparently a fairly powerful country and, among other things, represents huge potential profits for Hollywood. Well, provided you don’t piss them off by making a movie that—I don’t know—shows the Chinese as evil villains out to conquer America through military force.

Really? You’re just realizing this now? I wonder if the folks behind Red Dawn also realize that the earth orbits around the sun, women have the right to vote and there’s this new invention called the internet? ‘Cause I’d get it if China had been some backwards third world nation and only just now turned into the world’s biggest superpower after they found the lamp where the genie from Aladdin just happened to be residing, but the truth is—China was a superpower who didn’t like people fucking with them back in 2009 (when Red Dawn went into production) and it’s still a superpower who doesn’t like people fucking with them now.

So I guess the point I’m trying to make is that a 12-year-old could’ve told you two years ago that if you make a movie and your bad guy is pretty much the entire country of China, the Chinese are going to be pissed. Yet, all these grown and educated adults with millions of dollars at their disposal couldn’t figure that out? No wonder MGM, the studio behind the picture, is in the crapper. To quote our modern day Socrates, Charlie Sheen–you guys needed to PLAN BETTER!

The 25 Most Infamous Asian Villains in Hollywood Films (#10-6)

  • February 10, 2011 12:01 am

Very few things make a movie more memorable than a memorable villain. And Hollywood has a long history of featuring on-screen Asian baddies—both the memorable and forgettable, the stereotypical and the sublime, the “authentic” and the offensive. Every day this week (Monday-Friday), I’ll count down my choices for the 25 most “infamous” of Hollywood’s Asian villains—the good, the bad and the ugly.

Today #10-6…

10) KILL BILL VOL. 1 (2003) 
Chiaki Kuriyama as Gogo Yubari

A hot Japanese schoolgirl (complete with the required uniform) who loves to kill people with a meteor hammer attached to a chain…I’m not ashamed to say that this just may be the woman of my dreams! Uma Thurman’s Bride and the lethal members of the Deadly Vipers Assassination Squad (DVAS) may be the stars of Quentin Tarantino’s revenge flick, but it’s Kuriyama’s teenaged psychopath killer Gogo Yubari who steals the show. And how could she not? Even among Tarantino’s extensive gallery of memorable characters, Gogo stands out—the pitch-perfect Kuriyama both embraces all the requisite stereotypes and fetishes while blowing them away at the same time. Yo Quentin, I know you read this blog so hurry up and bring Gogo back to the big screen as you once hinted you would. But just make sure your shooting dates don’t conflict with our wedding…my impending marriage to Gogo that is ‘cause…yeah, it’s gonna happen…uh, yeah.

It Gets Worse

  • February 4, 2011 12:55 pm

In response to reader Earl’s comments on San Francisco Supervisor Jane Kim, I have some bad news.  She’s not just hot and smart, she’s also brave and principled (don’t know if she has a sense of humor or not, but I, for one, would laugh at any quip she made, even if it began with “There once was a lady from Nantucket…”)

An editorial in this morning’s Chronicle is titled “Jane Kim’s Stand.”


And what is that stand?  At the start of Board meetings, Kim refuses to recite The Pledge Of Allegiance.  Why?  Because she’s a blame-America-first-left-wing-Osama-bin-Laden-lover?  Because she’s a secret-mole-working-for-the-Dear-Leader?  Nope, and nope.

North Korea Needs Our Shit!

  • January 20, 2011 12:02 am

According to Kim Young-Soo, a professor at Seoul’s Sogang University who has conducted interviews with North Korean defectors, some of the most popular and sought after items in that Communist country include skinny jeans, porn, instant noodles, TV dramas and human excrement. That’s right…shit!

I get why most of these things would be in such high demand. Considering the food shortage in NK, skinny jeans are probably the perfect fit for its citizens. They’re Korean so of course they’re going to be genetically predisposed to love them some TV dramas. And if you were living under a brutal dictatorship, wouldn’t you want to escape from your pathetic life via porn and instant noodles (two things that go surprisingly well together)? But…shit?!!

Well, the good professor has a perfectly reasonable explanation for why shit is selling “like hot cakes” in NK:

6 More Western Films Kim Jong-Il Could Screen in North Korea

  • January 6, 2011 12:02 am

For the first time ever, the state-sponsored North Korean television station broadcast a Western film to its viewers. And what was that film? 2002’s Bend It Like Beckham starring Keira Knightley and Parminder Nagra as soccer-playing teens in England.

Though North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il (a.k.a. Dear Leader) is said to be a huge movie fan, the majority of what is aired on that nation’s television airwaves consists of “animations, hagiographies of its leaders and images celebrating the country’s army, model farms and model villages.” So this is quite a change.

Aside from the North Koreans’ love of soccer, I’m not sure why this particular movie was selected, but if this trend continues, I’d like to suggest six other Western films Dear Leader could air that’s more in line with his anti-Western agenda.

1) BETTER LUCK TOMORROW (2002) 

I’m sure many North Korean citizens have heard rumors that the USA is an immigrant’s paradise and might be dreaming of following in the footsteps of millions of Asian immigrants who came to our shores for a better life. Well, one viewing of this film directed by my fellow Offender Justin (and starring Sung and Roger) should shatter that notion. ‘Cause BLT will show the NK people what really happens to Asians when they live in America: their children turn into immoral, cheating, thieving, whoring, murdering fiends. And worse yet? They grow up to become snotty adults who start a blog where they can spread lies about how sucky North Korea is. Mission accomplished.

8 Reasons Why Santa Claus Is Actually Asian

  • December 2, 2010 12:05 am

When most people think of Santa Claus, they usually think of someone who looks like this:

Yup, good ole’ Saint Nick’s almost always portrayed as a jolly fat white dude. But is he really or have we just been Shyamalan-ized by the Western media? ‘Cause if you really think about it, it makes sense that Santa is Asian. Here’s how I know why:

1. HE RUNS A WORKSHOP BUILT ON SLAVE LABOR
So Santa basically has his own toy factory where he exploits the labor of “little” people to build his toys year-round without pay. Welcome to Thailand India China the North Pole!

2. HE SEES EVERYTHING YOU DO
“He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake’s.” Tell me that doesn’t sound like the Chinese government or your Asian immigrant parents.