Now if you don’t know, I’ve been dating the white meat since the new millennium began. As much as this may offend my fellow Offenders, it makes my mom quite happy. However, the real reason why I date white men…as of right now…. at this very moment… is… they complete the costume.
I’m looking for the perfect “Richard Heene” to add to my “Mayumi Heene” costume. I’ve been constructing the perfect “Balloon Boy Parents” costumes since Falcon Heene was found in a cardboard box in the attic. Mylar balloon, 3 marionette dolls to pose as children (1 that throws up on cue), and shirts that say, “We were on Wife Swap!” All I need now is an egotistical, self-indulgent, angry, kinda red-necky white guy with an updated bowl cut from the 1980′s.
Fortunately, journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee were released a couple of weeks ago without having had to spend any time in one of North Korea’s brutal labor camps. But you, my friend, may not be so lucky. Let’s say you’re on vacation in China and you’re near the North Korean border and you think to yourself—“wouldn’t it be totally awesome if I just crossed into North Korea for a few seconds to take a quick photo so I can prove to my buddies I was there?” Before you know it, you’re surrounded by armed NK guards and taken into custody. 
Like everyone else I know, I was happy to hear that American journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee were pardoned by North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il after ex-President Bill Clinton made a “surprise” trip to Pyongyang to negotiate for their release. As I write this, the two women are on the plane with Clinton flying over the Pacific and are expected to touch down in Los Angeles in a few hours. This is all great news and my initial reaction was one of complete optimism. But then, I started to get the emails. 
