You are currently browsing all entries tagged with 'dick'

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week – December 19 – 25, 2010

  • December 24, 2010 5:45 pm

Talk about irony.  I’m a relatively germophobic person and for whatever reason, I started becoming even more so a couple months ago or so.  Guess I just remembered how awful it was being sick and became hellbent on doing everything I could to avoid that.

I would wear a SARS mask whenever I went out like one of those people.  I took plenty of Airborne (if it were actually medicine, I’d have OD’d!).  And… and… well, I can’t think of another thing, but these sorts of examples usually come best in three or more, so just pretend I took some other weird precaution.

Anyway, point is: now I’m sick.  Which, you know, shouldn’t really have surprised me.  Is there a god of irony?  Cause if there is (s)he’s always had it out for me.  That’s how the saying goes, right?  ”Always had it out for _________”?  Sounds right, but looks weird typed out.  Whatever, I’m sick – damned if I’m gonna Google it.  IF YOU WANT, YOU GOOGLE IT, YOU CRITICAL MOTHERFUCKER.

Sorry, I’m never in the best mood when I’m sick.  Been told I get kind of cranky.  Seriously though, I’m sick and I’m still writing this for y’all so you better read it, especially because this week YOMYOMF gets into some matters of sex dolls; severed manhoods; and Japanese copulation terms.

Does your work block our website?  Just curious (and I’m being serious!).  Read more...

‘Vietnamese man survives after cock pierces heart’ = Disappointment?

  • November 8, 2010 12:01 am

Because I care so much about our readers, I spend a fair amount of time surfing the net for interesting headlines and stories that I can share with all of you. On a rare occasion, I’ll come upon something that is perfect and seemingly tailor-made for this blog. The other day, I came upon such a headline:

‘Vietnamese man survives after cock pierces heart’

When I see a headline like that, my heart goes all aflutter because I know I now have a topic for a blog that can almost write itself. I mean just look at that headline! Just the phrase “cock pierces heart” alone conjures up so many amazing, disturbing, wonderful and, even possibly, moving images. But then I clicked on the link (which you can do here) and this is the story I found:

 Read more...

I’m Not Good Enough To Suck Your Dick?!

  • August 16, 2010 1:20 am

So yesterday afternoon, I make plans to meet my friend Bob for coffee. Now, Bob’s a good guy—one of the nicest dudes I know—but I can’t say he’s the most attractive man. It’s not a knock on Bob ‘cause I know he’s reading this right now and he’ll be the first to tell you he was born on the dark side of ugly. He often refers to himself as an obese yeti so hopefully that’ll give you a proper mental picture you can employ while reading the rest of this blog because it’s important to understanding the events that are about to unfold.

I meet Bob in front of the coffee shop next to where a homeless man has set up camp. The homeless guy is pretty dirty and smelly and looks like he hasn’t changed his clothes in decades (his Mondale/Ferraro for President t-shirt is a tip off), but he seems harmless enough. He asks me if I can spare any change. I reply, “I’m sorry.” Then, he turns to Bob and says, “can you suck my dick?” Bob’s reply: “Uh…sorry, dude, but I’m married.”

Bob and I take a seat on the outdoor patio to enjoy our iced mochas. But then I notice a curious thing. The homeless guy is asking everyone who walks by if they could suck his dick. It doesn’t matter who they are—male or female, ugly or good-looking, straight or gay, white or black or every color in-between—he asks them all. At one point, I think he even propositions a passing dog that promptly lets out a series of barks before running off.

And this begins to bother me.  Read more...

An Open Letter To Teens Considering Cutting Off Their Penis To Get Back At A Girl

  • May 26, 2010 12:35 am

Dear Heart-Broken Teen:

I want to address this letter specifically to those teenage boys reading this who may have recently had a difficult break-up with a girl (or boy if you swing that way, but to keep it simple for the purposes of this blog, I’ll address you as if you were straight.). It’s been decades years just a short span of time since I myself was a teen so I totally understand what you’re feeling. It’s as if your whole world has come crashing to an end and your future looks bleaker then the Gulf Coast’s. But whatever you do, do not do what this 19-year-old teen in Central Java (that’s in Indonesia for those of you attending American public schools) did…cut off his own penis and throw it down a well.

You heard right–upon learning that his girlfriend was going to marry another man, this teen cut off his aforementioned penis and threw it down the aforementioned well. The boy is expected to recover, but doctors will be unable to re-attach his penis because villagers were unable to find it after an exhaustive search.

I’m sure in your current emotional state, the idea of cutting off your penis sounds like the only option left to you. After all, what better way to get back at your bitch of an ex-girlfriend then by chopping off your own member? Why egg her car or send her endless drunken messages/texts/emails about how she sucked out your soul like a soul-sucking soulless vampire when you can slice off your own dick instead?

Never mind that what you’re thinking of doing will probably be the most painful thing you’ll ever experience. You think you’re hurting now because of a broken heart, imagine how it’s going to feel to have both a broken heart and your penis forcibly ripped from your body? But aside from the physical pain, there are other reasons why this is a bad idea so allow me to explain further:  Read more...

An Interview With John Mayer’s ‘Racist’ Penis

  • February 12, 2010 12:13 am

Musician John Mayer is stirring up a storm of unwanted controversy with statements he made in an interview in the current issue of Playboy magazine. Among his transgressions—using the “n” word (“Someone asked me the other day, ‘What does it feel like now to have a hood pass? If you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n—– pass But I said, ‘I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”), going into detail about sex with Jessica Simpson (“Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”) and, most interestingly, revealing that his penis is racist (“My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, ‘Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.’”).

Mayer has since apologized for his comments, but the controversy continues. However, in all the media frenzy, no one has scored an interview with John Mayer’s penis himself. That is until now. In another YOMYOMF exclusive, we talk with Mayer’s penis to get his side of the story straight from his mouth head.  Read more...

Do Koreans Really Believe That ‘Joanie Loves Penis’?

  • January 31, 2010 11:58 pm

If you don’t remember ABC’s TV series Joanie Loves Chachi (1982-83), you’re not alone. This spin-off of the more successful Happy Days, where young lovers Joanie and Chachi moved to Chicago to pursue their music career, died quickly after being pounced in the ratings by another new show entitled The A-Team. But to this day, people still believe the program was not only a huge success in South Korea, but the highest-rated American TV series to ever air on Korean television.

And why would people think this? Because as the story goes, when the title of the show was translated into the Korean language, the name of the show inadvertantly became Joanie Loves Penis.  Read more...

Walrus Sucks Own Dick

  • January 7, 2010 12:16 am

The title of this YouTube video says all you need to know. I was going to write something funny or clever to go with this post, but I think this is one of those times when pictures definitely speak louder than words. All I can say is there are some guys I knew in college who are probably wishing they were walruses right about now. Enjoy!

(Thanks to Moye for sharing this clip)

Phil’s Journal Entries Part I

  • September 30, 2009 2:30 pm

2712292-mIt may be hard to believe but I wasn’t always the cool and hip dude I am now. Believe it or not, I had awkward moments growing up and made my fair share of bad calls. So to help show that anyone can leave the shackles of pathetic-ness behind, occasionally I’ll post random excerpts from my journal so you can see how far I’ve come.  Read more...