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How to Survive Lunar New Year if You’re an Asian American Criminal

  • January 22, 2012 8:58 pm

Dear Asian American Criminal:

Let me start off by saying that I don’t condone your criminal lifestyle—the murdering, the thieving, the embezzling, the assaulting and all the other illegal, awful things you do. But I know you are loyal readers of this blog because…well, just look at the shit we write about. And as loyal readers, I feel an obligation to return that loyalty to you and I can’t think of a better occasion to do that than on this Lunar New Year holiday. So let me just give you this one piece of valuable advice if you plan on committing your heinous crimes on this day of all days:

Don’t do it in Chinatown!

It doesn’t matter if you commit your crimes in Chinatown on the other 364 days of the year, this is the one day you must avoid it because I guarantee that you will get caught. Why? Because if Hollywood movies and TV shows have taught us anything, it’s that white cops are always busting Asian criminals in Chinatown while the new year’s celebrations are taking place.  Read more...

Chinky Or Not Chinky: Koreans Are Really, Really Angry People Edition

  • February 15, 2010 12:25 am

When I was younger and more invested in the Koreatown nightlife experience, there was one thing that I gleefully guiltily looked forward to seeing at the end of each evening—the drunken brawl. Usually it would take place in the valet section or the parking lot of a K-town club or bar at closing time. A shouting match would develop between the two parties, usually because someone inappropriately talked to someone’s man or woman, and before you knew it, a drunken fight would break out.

Now, I don’t condone violence and I’m not talking about the type of fights where guns are drawn and it turns ugly and deadly (I’ve seen enough of these in K-town too). I’m referring to a particular brand of drunken K-town style of brawling that involves a lot of verbal dissing, slapping and clothing being grabbed. My favorites were the chick fights. Some of those girls had mad skills—they had a technique that allowed them to both pull their opponent’s hair in the most painful way while simultaneously vomiting all over their new Prada outfits. It didn’t take a lot to set off these confrontations—a simple look might be enough. I remember one time a Chinese American friend who was with me when a crazy fight broke out, turned to me and said, “Damn! Koreans are scary! What is it with you guys? Is it all that kimchi or what?”

Well, according to this recent article in the Korea Times, “Korea is becoming an ‘angry society,’ where killing people in a fit of rage is no longer a rare crime and other crimes of passion are increasingly becoming commonplace.”  Read more...