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AROUND THE HORN: The Re-Watch Edition

  • April 17, 2012 7:32 pm

My wife would say… “How many times can you rewatch that movie?” I guess I’m like a little kid who wants to reread an old bedtime story. Mine would be The Shawshank Redemption. It’s cathartic to my soul. Next would be Die Hard. Just for the sheer amount of one liners that is sooooo fun to listen and say… almost like a sing a long… but now it’s a swear a long. What’s your rewatchable movie?

DHH: For me, it’s The Godfather. I’m thinking about Part I, though Part II would qualify as well. (I didn’t even hate Part III, though I don’t have a strong impulse to watch it again.) Epic storytelling, family drama, unbeatable acting, social and historical commentary, all in a pulp fiction wrapper — what’s not to like? And since I’m a theatre person, I feel compelled to add my rewatchable musical as well: that would be Gypsy. Every time that show is revived, I rush to see the new production, which always leaves me an emotional mess. Even this strip tease, featuring Laura Benati as “Louise” from the 2008 Broadway production starring Patti LuPone, gets me all choked up.  Read more...

1,001 Reasons I Love Movies: (#25) Bruce Lee Goes to Hell & Meets Popeye, Dracula, Clint Eastwood, James Bond, the Exorcist & More!

  • November 7, 2011 12:01 am

The good folks at io9 recently wrote about a film that has to rank up there as one of the all-time classics that I had completely forgotten about…the 1977 Hong Kong martial arts-comedy The Dragon Lives Again (a.k.a. Deadly Hands of Kung Fu).

One of the many Bruce Lee-inspired exploitation (or “Bruceploitation”) flicks released after the Asian American icon’s death, this is not only arguably the best of that genre, but one of the most bizarrely brilliant cinematic creations ever. Just read the Wikipedia synopsis:

After his untimely death, Bruce Lee (Bruce Leung Siu-lung) wakes up to find himself in the “Underworld”. He meets the King of the Underworld and questions his power. The King demonstrates his displeasure by shaking a pole that can cause an earthquake through the Underworld, which gives Bruce pause.

Bruce goes to a restaurant, where he meets Kwai Chang Caine from the TV show Kung Fu and cartoon sailor Popeye. He also meets Dracula, James Bond, Zatoichi, and Clint Eastwood, with whom he does not become friends. These pop culture characters, along with The Godfather, The Exorcist, and Emmanuelle, are planning a coup to take over the Underworld. Among their schemes, the characters send Emmanuelle to have energetic sex with the womanizing King in the hopes that he will have a heart attack.  Read more...

5 Things Asians Should Avoid According to the Movies

  • July 18, 2011 12:01 am

I know that when many of our readers think of Asians in film, they usually think of negative stereotypes and a general lack of representation. But the movies have also taught us valuable lessons about how to best live our lives. And one way they’ve done this is by showing us what we should steer clear of. So here, according to the movies, are five of the things all Asians should avoid:

1) BEFRIENDING WHITE PEOPLE

Fu Manchu puts his trust in his British colleagues and what happens? They betray him during the Boxer Rebellion leading to the death of his family, which, in turn, leads him to vow to destroy the white race. Ken Watanabe decides to take pity on poor Tom Cruise and schools him in the ways of the Samurai and what happens? Watanabe ends up dead on the battlefield while Cruise gets to bang his hot sister and live happily ever after. Even my fellow Offender Sung taught young Lucas Black how to drift and received thanks in the form of a fiery automobile death robbing him of the chance to appear in the subsequent and lucrative Fast sequels.

The lesson here is don’t befriend and do nice things for white people ‘cause it will lead to death and destruction. So…wait…what? I’m being told that Sung does appear in the subsequent and lucrative Fast sequels. Really? But…but…he’s dead! Yo Justin, what up?

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WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – MAY 7 – 13, 2011

  • May 14, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

This week, you’ve got a chance to read about how a nice rack can make your tea better; remote french kissing; and shitting vagrants.

My thoughts?  You should take that chance.

JOB OPENING: VIRGINS WITH BIG BREASTS NEEDED TO PICK TEA IN CHINA:

“If you’re a virgin, possess at least C-Cup sized breasts and you’re looking for work, well, you are in luck. All you need to do is relocate to Henan, China, where the Henan Gushi Xijiuhua Scenic Mountain Development is looking for someone like you to work picking tea leaves.”

There are plenty of virgins with C-Cups to be found everywhere in these parts – this may be the first time they get lucky!

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I Love Me Some Backhanded Compliments.

  • May 9, 2011 12:00 am

I have spoken at length before about how to not compliment someone.  Well this time, I wasn’t in any danger of being violated, but it was still startlingly bizarre and relentless.  Actually, it might be so bizarre because of how relentless it was.

So, flashback to Saturday:

I’m with my family, celebrating a cousin’s birthday and, of course, watching the Pacquiao victory.  Appropriately enough, this place was chockful of my cousin’s friends, many, if not all, of which I only see once a year.

Good folks, they’re all good folks.  One of the guys kept getting super close to me, trying to get me drunk and asserting that he wasn’t gay — but there’s one of those at every party, am I right?

It has to be said, however, that one of the people there gave me one of the most blatant backhanded compliments I’ve ever heard and – let’s face it – I’ve heard more than my share.  And if I didn’t hear it the first time – which I did, loud and clear – he repeated it repeatedly, just in case.  Read more...

You got me…ha ha ha! No speak Engrish. Ching chong ching chong rama rama ding dong.

  • April 1, 2011 2:22 am

So I got TMZ’D, they got me good.  Or did they?  How an innocent lunch with a friend turns into me being the butt of a racial funny attack, is as my mother would say…“Jejus! Too many Crajjji!!!”

Most of the video was pretty funny to me actually.  I believe  we have to be able to laugh at ourselves at times and take a few to the kidney.  It’s part of the job description.  Get paid to play pretend for a living= periodic burning at the stake.  Read more...

All About Kato…er…The Green Hornet

  • January 13, 2011 12:02 am

The big-screen version of The Green Hornet finally arrives in theaters tomorrow. It’s likely that many of our readers will not be too familiar with the titular character and his kick-ass sidekick Kato because, frankly, they just don’t carry the popular cache of a Spiderman or a Batman (although Kato may still be the best-known Asian “superhero” because of Bruce Lee—more on this below). So today, I offer a quick tutorial for those too lazy busy to conduct a simple google search on all things Green Hornet.

The New York Times recently published this piece about the many trials and tribulations the movie faced before finally being realized. Hollywood first toyed with developing a big-screen take in the early ‘90s with everyone from George Clooney to Mark Walberg attached to play the Green Hornet and Jason Scott Lee to Jet Li as Kato (The NY Times also reports that Eddie Murphy was in the running for the Hornet, but in actuality he was lobbying to play a Black Kato). But the origins of the characters go back to 1936—creations of radio producers George W. Trendle and Fran Striker.

Premiering as a radio program on January 31, 1936, the Green Hornet was actually the alter ego of Britt Reid, a wealthy newspaper publisher who took on the identity of a masked vigilante at night to fight crime (though the police wrongly thought he was a criminal). At his side was his trusty Asian chauffeur/valet/bodyguard Kato. They battled the baddies with a bunch of technologically advanced gadgets including their car, which was nicknamed the Black Beauty.  Read more...

Five Films Where the Asian Male Lead Gets the Girl

  • December 6, 2010 12:01 am

Korean star Jang Dong-Gun made his American film debut this past weekend in the martial arts Western The Warrior’s Way. A number of Asian Americans have pointed out that Jang gets to share an on-screen kiss with co-star Kate Bosworth—a rarity in Hollywood for an Asian male to be both a lead and a romantic lead (watch almost any American film starring Chow Yun Fat, Jackie Chan or Jet Li to see how chaste their relationships with their leading ladies are).

But as rare as this is, this isn’t a “first” as I’ve heard some folks proclaim. Hollywood has indeed produced other films where the Asian male lead does get the girl (sometimes even “defeating” his white rival in the process). Here are five of them in no particular order:

1) THE CRIMSON KIMONO (1959) 

No other non-Asian probably did more to advance three-dimensional portrayals of Asians and Asian Americans in Hollywood than director Samuel Fuller (see my previous post on this topic here) and nowhere else did he do it as well than in this gritty, crime noir set against the backdrop of L.A.’s Little Tokyo. James Shigeta and Glenn Corbett are best friends and LAPD detectives investigating the death of a stripper. Beautiful Victoria Shaw is the witness who steals the hearts of both men; creating a racially tinged tension in their friendship for the first time. Since this is a Hollywood movie where an Asian American man and a white man both vie for the same white woman, it’s obvious who’ll win in the end, right? Well, luckily, this is Fuller who never did the obvious. Shaw realizes she loves Shigeta and the two even share a passionate and controversial (at the time of its release) kiss in the middle of the Little Tokyo Nisei Week parade.  Read more...

Six Films Where The Asian Sidekick Is More Interesting Than The Protagonist

  • November 22, 2010 12:02 am

The new trailer for the upcoming Seth Rogen-starring Green Hornet film was just released last week (see below) to mostly positive fan reaction. That plus a recent test screening of the film that went well must be welcome news for the filmmakers after the mostly bad buzz that has been dogging the production from the start.

Of course anyone who knows anything about the Green Hornet knows that the real star of the show is Asian sidekick Kato, most famously played by martial arts legend Bruce Lee in the short-lived 1960s television series. This time, Jay Chou is Kato and if the new trailer is any indication, it looks like the character will definitely have a chance to shine so we’ll see if Chou is up to the task. Check out the trailer here:

In the meantime, here are six more films (in no particular order) where the Asian “sidekick” stole the picture from right under the nose of the white protagonist:  Read more...

Five People I Thought Were Asian Who Really Aren’t Asian

  • April 20, 2010 12:32 am

I hope it’s better for Asian children growing up in America today, but when I was a kid, prominent Asians in the pop culture milieu were so rare that I would immediately gravitate to any Asian face I saw in the media. The existence of Indiana Jones’ Asian kid sidekick in Temple of Doom or Pat Morita’s Arnold on Happy Days was a major thing. It was so important to latch onto these images that sometimes I assumed certain people were Asian only to learn later that they weren’t Asian at all and it was just my own projection (like the time I thought Megan Fox was in love with me because my neighbor’s dog told me during a dream and…oh, never mind). So here are five people I thought were Asian, only to later have my perceptions crushed by the harsh bright white light of reality (sorry, that doesn’t make sense to me either but it sure sounds nice, don’t it?):

1) MR. SPOCK
Portrayed by Leonard Nimoy on the TV and film series Star Trek

I grew up watching the original Star Trek series and while George Takei’s Sulu was obviously Asian and that was cool, I assumed Nimoy’s Spock was too. I know I’m not the only one who thought his physical features, including the Vulcan bowl haircut and arched brows that made his eyes look more…uh…slanted, had a distinct Asian…uh…slant to them. And throw in Spock’s dedication to logic and his emotionless demeanor and how could he not be an Asian guy? So when I later read an interview with Nimoy where he talked about performing Fiddler On The Roof as a young actor and making his Jewish parents happy, my reaction was, “What the Spock?!”

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Kung Fu Kobe

  • February 3, 2010 2:53 am

I don’t like Kobe. I think he’s a punk. I don’t care if he’s a great player, a clutch player, whatever. Can’t stand him. Jussayin’. So when I saw these posters on Hypebeast, I had to giggle. He looks absolutely ridiculous. Of course it’s all for his newest signature shoe, the Nike Zoom Kobe V, which is totally dedicated to Bruce Lee (the colorway matches the yellow and black jumpsuit that Bruce Lee wears in The Game of Death, and details like the claw marks are from Enter The Dragon). I’m just going to wait for the Kobe lovers to chime in. But guys, look at these posters. Corny! Kobe is no Bruce Lee. And Bruce Lee never wore Nikes.  Read more...

Seven People Asian American Guys Can Pretend To Be In Order To Get Laid By A White Chick

  • November 21, 2009 2:19 pm

William_Hung_FollowI’m back to offer more advice to all my Asian American brothas looking to get laid by some hot white chick but having no luck. The reality is–white people can’t tell us apart anyway so why not use this fact to your advantage? Pretend to be some other more famous Asian dude. Here are some suggestions for brothas you can pass for in order to ensure you don’t spend another Saturday night home alone spanking your monkey king:

THE CHINESE DUDE WHO STEPPED IN FRONT OF THE TANKS AT TIANANMEN  Read more...