China has become the world leader in many different fields and now you can add Breast Masseur to that list. Xia Jun of Shanghai has become China’s first licensed breast masseur after rigorous study under the Ministry of Human Resources and Social Security. Basically, what he does is massage the breasts of nursing mothers to help them produce milk.
So far Xia hasn’t had a single request for his services, but that hasn’t stopped him from “milking” his moment of fame by bringing interested individuals into his “bosom” to teach them breast massage techniques via a “tit” for tat arrangement (Yup, I fit three awkward sexual innuendos into one sentence so take that, every writer who’s ever worked on Three’s Company!). It probably doesn’t help that doctors say the massages have zero effect on milk production and many folks have blasted the practice for other reasons (said a Shanghai man: “It’s unbelievable. What kind of man would allow another man to massage his wife’s breasts?”).
Now, regular readers of my blog are probably expecting me to write about how I should be hired to be a breast masseur and how I’d be good great amazingly fantastic at this job in a God-like way. But no, that’s not where I’m going with this because…well, I’m sort of over breasts. You heard me right—been there, done that.
Because back in the fourth grade, I held a position that was somewhat similar to the job description above. You see…I was a member of the FBI a.k.a. the Federal Breast Inspectors. I even had my own badge:
A woman is like a ninja. Her body the perfect weapon, able to effortlessly dispatch even the hardest of men with casual simplicity. She is born with a natural arsenal in which to choose and depending upon her intent, can flirt, seduce, liquify, or terminate her opposites at will. Instead of tonfas, swords, throwing stars, and bamboo darts dipped in blowfish toxin, the modern, woman ninja possesses weaponry of mind, breast, shoulder, tummy, persona, tongue, etc. 21st century steel is no match when compared to the flesh of a woman ninja. Not even close.
