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WHAT I LEARNED ON YOMYOMF THIS WEEK – MAY 7 – 13, 2011

  • May 14, 2011 12:00 am

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week is a capsule of the week’s blogs with sarcastic commentary from Yours Truly (that’s me!).  If you’ve been busy and missed out on a couple of our daily gems, this is a perfect way to catch up.

But seriously – what was more important than reading YOMYOMF?

This week, you’ve got a chance to read about how a nice rack can make your tea better; remote french kissing; and shitting vagrants.

My thoughts?  You should take that chance.

JOB OPENING: VIRGINS WITH BIG BREASTS NEEDED TO PICK TEA IN CHINA:

“If you’re a virgin, possess at least C-Cup sized breasts and you’re looking for work, well, you are in luck. All you need to do is relocate to Henan, China, where the Henan Gushi Xijiuhua Scenic Mountain Development is looking for someone like you to work picking tea leaves.”

There are plenty of virgins with C-Cups to be found everywhere in these parts – this may be the first time they get lucky!

 Read more...

Thirty Minutes of Breasts and Genitals.

  • April 21, 2011 12:00 am

This is an observational post, so I just want to warn you that there’s no punchline.  It’s just extremely, extremely crude.

My connections to my extended family are, generally speaking, very tenuous.  Even those aunts, uncles, and cousins that are only a stone’s throw away are people that can feel like strangers during the occasional family gatherings held throughout the year.

Thusly (that’s a fantastic word!), you can’t begin to fathom how foreign it feels to engage in social interactions with relatives from much farther away.

Like Los Angeles.

(The joke is that while Los Angeles isn’t walking distance from where I live, it’s actually not that far.)  Read more...

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week – November 21 – 27, 2010

  • November 27, 2010 1:46 am

It’s just about that time of the year again.  Festive shades of red and green are starting to pepper the streets and amazing arrays of lights are coming to life in neighborhoods across the country.  Blow-up reindeer and snowmen tower over more and more lawns on the way home.

As a southern California resident however, the signs of the holidays are pretty much restricted to those made by man.  When it comes to matters of nature’s grandeur, we’re pretty much stuck with (what is to natives) blistering cold minus the awesome wonder of snow.  Every time I go outside now – which isn’t often – I think about just how much more understanding I’d be of the weather if it were at least accompanied with the once-a-year abilities to make snow angels and add a scarf to my outfit without worrying about my fading masculinity.

Hope y’all had a happy thanksgiving – that is if you celebrate that kind of thing – and are ready to play catch up with YOMYOMF.  This last full week of November, we explore the universal appeal of breasts pressing against our freedom of speech; the correlation between threatening times and amounts of sweet, sweet intercourse; and the exemplary human behavior on display on Black Friday.  Read more...

What I Learned on YOMYOMF This Week – June 13-19, 2010

  • June 20, 2010 9:25 am

Readers:

I am very happy at this place we’re at now.  I write, you enjoy.  I feel that we’re ready to take that next step, you know?  I think we are at a point in this relationship when you can take off your shoes when you read this; spread out on the couch and scratch your exposed belly; and clip your nails wherever you like.  See, Jaimee?  In a GOOD RELATIONSHIP, you CAN do these things.  You can be your true self and not put on some front.  You don’t have to compromise only to come home one day and find your partner canoodling with some… some… male harlot!

Um.

Ignore everything I just typed. And yes, smartass, my backspace is broken.

This week, YOMYOMF brings you the latest on smoking children; the possibility of true love; and the celebrities who only get a few people aroused.  I know you’re dying to dive in so click, CLICK AWAY:  Read more...

An Open Letter To Graduates On Why Porn May Have Ruined Your Future

  • May 29, 2010 1:50 am

Dear Graduate:

Congratulations on graduating from high school or college. You are about to take your first steps into the “real” world. Maybe you’re feeling worried and scared about what your future might hold. And you know what…you should be frightened. The world is such a fucking mess right now and you may be ill-equipped to do anything about it. All those “inspirational” speakers at your commencement ceremony who talk about how you’ll be successful if you just follow your dreams or embrace your dreams or make sweet love to your dreams…I’d forget about that. If you’re lucky, you’ll be living in your parents’ basement until you’re 40. And that’s if you’re lucky.

Look, I’m not just saying this to be cynical or to shock you or because I’ve just done four lines of coke and downed a six-pack of Corona. I’m trying to treat you like the adult that you now are and tell you the truth–warts and all. And it’s not completely your fault that you’ve been denied the tools to help you successfully navigate your way through this cruel world. You just happened to have had the awful luck to be born at a bad time. You were born into an era of quick and easy access to porn and that may very well be the root of your problems.  Read more...

assassins of lust – women as ninja

  • March 3, 2010 3:06 pm

A woman is like a ninja.  Her body the perfect weapon, able to effortlessly dispatch even the hardest of men with casual simplicity.  She is born with a natural arsenal in which to choose and depending upon her intent, can flirt, seduce, liquify, or terminate her opposites at will.  Instead of tonfas, swords, throwing stars, and bamboo darts dipped in blowfish toxin, the modern, woman ninja possesses weaponry of mind, breast, shoulder, tummy, persona, tongue, etc.  21st century steel is no match when compared to the flesh of a woman ninja.  Not even close.

i will seduce you with my mind and hypnotize you with my bodice...

As much as I fear the woman ninja, I simultaneously desire her.  It’s like superman wanting to make love to Lois Lane after she secretly smoothed on Kryptonite body lotion.  The allure is beyond temptation but indulging in it will instantly vaporize any man’s nut sack and mojo.  A frank with no beans is a useless stalk, so they say.  But as my wise, one-eyed grandfather of the Shaolin once told me before my departure into the modern world, “Grandson, it is your destiny to make love to the woman ninja no matter how painful.  It is through this great pain that you will find your truest self.  Just make sure to practice safe sex and say thank you.”  My one-eyed grandfather was a wise man indeed…  Read more...