You are currently browsing all entries tagged with 'baby'

Baby Arthur, Movie Star

  • November 10, 2011 9:58 pm

Arthur is a baby. He has his own blog where he recreates scenes from classic movies. Here are some of them:

ALIEN

THE GODFATHER


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An Open Letter to Korean American Parents About Naming Their Child

  • July 1, 2011 12:01 am

Dear Korean American parent-to-be:

A couple of weeks ago, I posted the following message on Facebook/Twitter:

Dear Korean soon-to-be parents with the last names of Lee, Kim or Park, do not name your child John or Grace. It’s getting too damn confusing.

And I know I’m not the only one who has this problem. I know many of you reading this have had an experience like the following:

There are multiple John Kims in your address book so you accidentally send the following email to the John Kim who is the pastor of your church instead of the John Kim who is your trusted business partner:

I have disposed of the body. No one will know. :)

Or you get confused by the multiple Grace Lees you know and send the following text to your 55-year-old aunt Grace Lee instead of the super freaky 25-year-old Grace Lee you met at norebang last weekend:

Girl, that thing u can do w/your tongue & the ice cubes is wicked awesome! Can’t wait 2 see what u do 2 me this weekend with the whipped cream, riding crop & midget dressed like Tattoo from Fantasy Island. LOL.  Read more...

DADDY FAN – Hollywood, family

  • June 14, 2011 4:15 pm

I’m a baby papa.  Actually, make that babies papa.  There, I outed myself.  I am legally a parent and a husband – a man no longer solo but a caretaker of my out-of-womb seeds and a spicy Oriental lass of the Han-Gook variety.

“Everything changes once you have kids.  So don’t pop holes through your condom with your teeth during…”
-  Planned Parenthood (ok, not really)

If you had asked me 5 years ago whether I’d be married with kids (and a minivan too), I would have laughed really, really hard and said, “Whatever mofo, pass the lychee soju and let us drink like vikings and touch the untanned parts of pretty girls.”

But it is not 5 years ago, it is today. Instead, I am married with kids (two to be precise and perhaps more on the way).  5 years ago, I would have considered my current state of affairs a “worst case scenario,” second only to running out of Shiseido facial moisturizer and blotting paper before a big audition.  Sigh…being an 18 year old, single father of two is truly sobering…  Read more...

An Open Letter To Korean Parents Celebrating Their Child’s First Birthday

  • August 23, 2010 12:01 am

Dear Parent:

If one or both of you are Korean and your child is about to have his or her first birthday, you’re most likely in the midst of planning a big celebration. In the Korean culture, the first birthday is a major occasion. The Dol or Dol Janchi is important because in the olden days, the infant mortality rate was very high for babies and it was considered a milestone to reach one’s first birthday (the first 100 days were also important) and the special day was marked with a big party.

This tradition still continues and one of the things that happens at this celebration is a ritual called the dol jabi. Here’s how it works–a number of items are left in front of the child and whatever he or she grabs is supposed to predict the baby’s future. Traditionally, items such as a book (to represent a scholarly future), string (long life) or money (wealth) are placed in front of the child. So if the birthday baby chooses the money, for example, he or she is supposed to become rich. More modern items can also be used such as a football (to signify a future athlete), a mouse (future computer genius) or even a movie camera (future filmmaker).

Now I’ve been to a number of dol celebrations recently and while this tradition may be my favorite part of the festivities, there’s one problem with it: It lacks serious drama.

Why? Because every item the baby can pick represents something “positive.” So let’s say that he or she chooses long life over money…is that really a bad thing? Nope, what we need to do is introduce a sense of danger to this ritual to make it more interesting by including items no Korean parent would want their kid to ever choose. Along those lines, here are some suggestions for things that you can include to increase your dol jabi drama…

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Help! I’m home. Alone. With a baby…

  • April 12, 2010 5:53 pm

It is Monday and I am home.  Alone.  With a baby.

But not just any baby.  It’s my baby.

Yes, I’m outing myself right now.  I am a baby papa.  That’s me above on the left and my little squirt to my right.  Who’s her daddy?  Me.  I have united my seed with the egg of another and created an offspring that is part me, part she, and 100% hyper monkey.  She rises every morning at 5:50 am, sets her motor to warp factor 10, and proceeds to take apart, destroy, chew on, eat, pee, and at times vomit all over just about every single thing that had any material significance to me.  My house, which was once a shimmering monument of respect to Room&Board, now looks like a Toy’s R Us warehouse in Juarez, Mexico.

This baby was no accident, by the way.  It’s creation was planned meticulously with a combination of math, science, and hard sex.  I even used an abacus during foreplay just like our ancestors did to insure maximum fertility.

So, why am I home on Monday?  Alone?  With a baby?  My baby?  Read more...

Nine-Year-Old Chinese Girl Gives Birth to Baby Boy

  • February 3, 2010 12:01 am

Unfortunately that headline isn’t a joke. A nine-year-old girl from the Chinese city of Songyuan gave birth to a healthy 6 lb baby boy on January 27 in a hospital in Changchun via Caesarian section. The identity of the girl has not been made public and police are currently trying to establish the identity of the father. In the province, it is illegal to have sex with a child under the age of 14.

The rate of pregnancies in school-aged children in China is increasing—one hospital in Shanghai reports that about 30 percent of their abortions were performed on schoolgirls. Last year, a clinic in the city of Chongqing came under fire for advertising half-price abortions for any girl with a student ID card.

Critics put the blame for the rise in pregnancies on China’s recently launched nationwide effort to “maintain the innocence of children” without teaching proper sex education. The government’s mandates include banning sexual content from the internet and suspending or expelling students if they are “suspected” of engaging in sexual activity.  Read more...

Give Your Baby a Head Start on Future Schoolyard Beatings

  • January 26, 2010 3:42 pm

This is for all of you with babies who want to ensure that when your child is old enough to go to school, he will get a daily ass whooping on the playground:

Yup, it’s Star Trek uniform onesies for your baby. They come in three colors and there’s even a cadet version. If you’re going to get one of these for your baby, I also recommend speaking to him in only Klingon while you’re at it to scar him for life give him the full experience. But I wouldn’t buy the red shirt. Bad things happen to Starfleet officers in red shirts.

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