Message to my Asian peeps: what the hell is going on this week? Did you all get together and decide to unleash all this shit at the same time to make non-Asian folks afraid to have sex with us? ‘Cause I think I missed that evite.

First comes reports that a “super” strain of gonorrhea that’s immune to all antibiotics was discovered in Japan. Scientists first identified this new and improved STD in a Japanese sex worker, but don’t know much about it or how it came to be. Well, I’m not a medical expert, but let me just throw this bit of advice out to our Japanese friends…maybe you should stop fucking octopus tentacles and robots. ‘Cause you don’t know where that shit’s been and what sort of new super STDs you’re creating.

Next, there’s Catherine Kieu Becker who allegedly cut off her husband’s penis on Monday and disposed of it in the garbage disposal. Now, on one hand, Kieu definitely doesn’t sound like your stereotypically submissive Asian woman so I applaud her for that, but she certainly hasn’t helped dispel the image of Asian women as craaaazy.

Yes, non-Asian women have also chopped off their lovers’ dicks, but they usually just toss them in the bushes not shove them down the sink, turn on the garbage disposal and watch as they are ripped and mutilated into…damn, I can’t even think about it. If you’re a guy, that is something you don’t even want to begin to image, which is why I find it oddly disturbing that police told the media today that the penis-less husband is in “surprisingly good spirits.” What the fuck?! If this guy was recovering after having had his appendix removed, it would be totally appropriate to describe him as being in “good spirits.” After having his penis sliced off with a “very sharp” knife and mutilated in a garbage disposal, “good spirits” probably isn’t the best term to use.

Finally, We come to the news that the National Council of Korean Presbyterian Churches (which is comprised of over 430 Korean churches) have “come out” in strong opposition to a decision by the Presbyterian Church USA governing assembly to allow gay members to become ordained church officials. The ordinance went into effect last Sunday but the Korean church groups have vowed not to honor it.

Unlike the previous two stories above, this isn’t an example of Asians doing something to make others too scared to fuck them, but it’s still very much about misplaced fear and sex. I’ve come to the conclusion that folks like these Korean Presbyterians, as well as others like certain Republican Presidential candidates, who are so obsessed with this notion that homosexuality is wrong and a sin really would benefit from getting fucked by someone of the same-sex. It’s that whole “you doth protest too much” thing. I’m not saying that these people who go around spreading their anti-gay rhetoric with such passion are all closeted homosexuals, but…well, actually I am.

And on that note, I just want to reassure our non-Asian readers that despite these recent stories, it’s totally OK to have sex with an Asian. Just run a background check first to make sure they don’t have a history of fucking robotic octopi. And don’t leave any sharp objects lying around. Otherwise, it’s all good. Happy humping!