It’s been a about a year since Sunset Stories made its film festival premiere and this coming weekend we’re excited to have our Bay Area premiere with two screenings at CAAMFEST formerly the San Francisco International Asian American Film Festival. I’m incredibly pumped to screen at this festival, which has provided some of the best festival experiences I’ve had to date.
A few weeks ago, I was having Sunday dinner with my parents and made the utter mistake of telling them how excited to tell them the news about our new screening – I mean c’mon! It’s at the 1,400 seat, historic Castro Theater for chrissakes! – Only to be met by blank, completely unimpressed stares. I’m sure many of you out there in the interwebs can relate about how parents have that special knack of taking something you are so incredibly proud of and knocking it down a peg or a hundred, sending you crashing and burning from your elated high. And I totally think that Asian parents have this down to an art from with their painful bluntness.
So my parents go on their usual rambling about how the housing market is hot right now and maybe I should think about getting my real estate license. Or that it only takes a year to become an x-ray tech (a Filipino favorite). Can you believe it? Just one year to be on your way to financial stability. Surely, I can accomplish this while still “trying” to make it as a filmmaker. School in the day, writing at night. Okay, okay, at this point I’m trying not to be offended, I mean after hearing this all these years you’d think that I should be completely immune to it by now. Still, my head reels and I start to think about the underlying message my parents keep telling me. It’s TIME TO GIVE UP ON THE DREAM. Time to get your head out of the clouds and your ass and start living in reality.
Many of my friends and colleagues have had many conversations on this topic and as much as I try to push it out of my mind, the older I get, the stronger and more pervasive the thought becomes. So strong that it became a large part of the Sunset Stories narrative itself. In Sunset Stories two ex-lovers May (Monique Curnen) and JP (Sung Kang) go on a rambling journey of Los Angeles to retrieve a lost medical transport cooler. These two characters are at this stage in life where they have given up on their dreams. May’s trapped in an unreconciled past that destroyed her fairy tale dreams of happy endings, and JP is a musician who’s trading in his rock star dreams for a suit and tie.
For me, making the film was a way to work out and exorcise those thoughts that often cloud my mind and the process taught me many things. For one, it helped me realize that a lot of my dreams are about this sense of perfection, which of course is really impossible to reach so I’m basically setting myself up for failure. Also, along with many of my friends, is that I’m always thinking about the next thing – the next project, the next film, the next, next, more, more and more. So, we’re never in the moment and never are able to appreciate what we’ve accomplished in the present.
What I’ve come to understand is that your dreams and goals are not fixed, they should be fluid as we grow as people, so do our visions. When I was young I wanted to be a marine biologist. Then I wanted to be in a punk band, run a record label, be an experimental filmmaker, be a novelist, be a furniture maker. None of those things have come true…yet. Being a filmmaker, creating stories, is one dream that I’ve never been able to shake. I think that the more that we let our egos and hang-ups go, the closer we get to what we really want in life, what we’re meant for. That may be as close or as far as our original dream. A dream or goal we may give up, is something that we were never meant for and it’s the way the universe or fate is telling us to reach deeper and find what your truly made to do.
Right now, I’m just trying to live in the present. I’m proud of Sunset Stories and what we’ve done with the film. It may not live up to some other people’s expectations, maybe not even my initial ones but the film has a life of its own now and that’s all that I can ask for. And for those friends (especially filmmakers) that have kept their dreams alive and struggle to make your projects, I am awed and inspired by each and single one of you!
What about you readers? Have you ever given up on your dreams and aspirations? How have they changed over the years? If you feel like you’re living the dream, did you do so by giving up anything important to you?
Sunset Stories screens March 15 (9:10PM) at the Pacific Film Archive Theater and March 17 (9:45PM) at the Castro Theater. For more info and ticks click here.
I’m still relatively young, but it is starting to creep up on me too … but I deal with younger adults a lot and it has been rewarding in a sense that they remind me of how much I was burning to live a dream. I’m hoping as I keep on doing that it’ll keep me down to my roots to get me to a place that I want. That’s what keeps a lot of my old mentors to keep on going. Not only for me but for the people who are hoping the best for me too.
….and by the way, I also wanted to be in a working punk band or a music producer.
Great post. This is a question that I think everyone asks themselves, whether they’ve “made it” or not. It’s funny that I was recently grieving the potential of death of my career to you recently – through my own narcissism, I didn’t realize you were asking yourself the same thing. It didn’t matter that your film got into all the festivals. In the end, it’s just the work that matters (though the Castro sounds awesome – I would kill several human beings to show any of my films there).
By the way, I gave up on my parents a long time ago (when I was alone at my own high school graduation). It’s just about being healthy these days. And in the end, that is the only thing matters. That you’re healthy and living – alive, open to the present moment. If someone had their dreams crushed, they were lucky.
I think, as you get older, you stop calling it a dream. It has to be a way of life. In the “Looking for Sugarman” sense. People that stop pursuing perhaps realize they were going after it for the wrong reason. I’m still in the game because it’s so imbedded in my personality. I keep saying, I’m going to stop, but even if I become a construction worker, I guess I’d still tinker with a movie every 10 years until I’m dead… and these weird, unfinished films would be discovered in a sunken ship somewhere… and the people that see it will think, man, what a fucked up a society. Or maybe no one will ever see them. Doesn’t matter. It’s the chase that matters.
I’ve only been able to continue because I haven’t found a way to stop yet. You probably have the same problem. But you much more incentive to continue that I do. People want to see your film today, in the present moment. It really only takes a year to be an X Ray tech? Maybe I should go after that.
Thanks for the post.
Hi Ernesto,
This is a great topic, one that I obsess about all of the time, but still want to ponder a bit more before replying. Just wanted to let you know that you helped me fulfill a dream of releasing the reverse record years ago.
Your film sounds wonderful and congrats on the screenings!
xo Tara Emelye
Agreed. Great topic. People usually describes me as very determined and my mum uses to say that I can get anything I pursue or want. But she’s my mum, so it doesn’t count, does it? Yes, I can see that I have climbed mountains that many people would not expect I’d crowned… The reality is that there is a toll to pay and you need to know if you’re ready for that, willing to pay. You can always be more perseverant, more perfectionist, more accomplished, but at what price? What are you going to sacrifice next? Now I know I shouldn’t wish for less than I deserve, but also not for more than I can handle. Am I thinking in my next project? Yes.
You talked about the “fluidity” of our goals, and I think that’s the key. Sometimes we get into rigid ideas of who we want to be (shoemaker/filmmaker/lawyer/rap star, whatever) and we pursue that dream. That’s fine, that’s great. But when the daydream doesn’t match reality, have we failed? If we have no fluidity – hey man, sometimes moving the goal posts is okay! – then we can find ourselves feeling like failures, years wasted pursuing a dream, etc. I’m certainly not there myself yet, but I do aspire to a more forgiving, open and changing sense of self. Because at the end of the day, that’s what a dream is – your identity, your sense of self – and if it doesn’t turn out the way you want, hard as it may be, it’s time to find a different way to value and understand yourself. A changing self conception does not have to feel like failure (but, shit, it often does!). Again, something to aspire to…
The flexibility of change or being realistic, without considering you’ve failed. Good point, Alfredo.
Every story no matter how short goes through several rewrites before it sees the light of day and often several more before being published. Our dreams are no different. Furthermore the richness of the story is developed during the creation of it…not after. Ive given up several times . Only to begin again several more. Try to keep going. You will like yourself better if you do.
When I was a kid, my dream was to go to art school and become a famous artist. I got into a very well known art school in NYC and while there I basically found out that I was good- even very good- but not good enough. Good but not great. I didn’t have what it took. And honestly, I think I knew that before I even entered. Before I entered, I think I knew in my bones that art school wouldn’t work out. Even as a 13-year-old, I knew there were ways I was limited as an artist. I felt it, I saw it. Yes, even then.
Ironically, it was actually my mother’s dream that I be an artist! That’s all she ever wanted for me. She was in love with my painting and drawing, was proud as a peacock of my talent, called me a genius, showed off my art to everyone she knew, babbled to all her friends and acquaintances about how great I was and pushed me very hard. She was a Tiger Art Mother. I broke her poor heart by renouncing it. To this day she is very disappointed in me and laments that I wasted my talent.
First of all…I’m really in awe and proud of any creative person who maintains a relationship with people who dismiss the creative endeavors of loved ones. Bravo. I made it a practice not to do that. Consequently, I do not have a rich relationship with my parents and routinely hit “DECLINE” when anyone from high school tries friending me. I know in my deepest heart of hearts that I will be very sad when my parents leave and regret the estranged silence. But I came to realize that for my own emotional protection that I never let them know of any of my achievements or struggles. The fact that you shared something with them is huge, despite the “oh you gotta be an X-Ray technician.” Bravo again.
As for giving up dreams, I don’t think we ever give things up. I believe that as humans, we are fundamentally creative beings. Yes. Creative. Our most primal needs are eating, drinking, sleeping, and pro-creating….and from the pro-creation portion of things, we have evolved into the pursuit of creating. This is not to say we were all meant to be painters or writers. But we need to satisfy our creative needs when they call whether it be taking mixology courses or practicing Bollywood dance or simply re-painting a bathroom, etc. That’s what makes us whom we are. A kid who just does what their told gets to live to their highest potential of mediocrity. What kind of awesome is that? Psh. A kid who builds a printer out of lego blocks for no reason at all other than to do it can then go on to build Google (true story).
Back to the dreams. Early in my career, I wanted to be a guitarist. But my circumstances were not favorable to me in terms of finding the right bandmates or artists to work with. So I started writing songs and producing records….But nothing got signed and I ran in circles. Eventually I ended up like any failed rock star or failed record producer in this town—I became a composer for film and TV. Haha..No really…Well…Let’s talk about that paradigm shift.
The point of all this is not that I traded in professions as I went along. The real evolution that took place was a refining of this primal creative force within me and a discovery on my part to realize that I simply wanted to express myself musically on very broad ranges. It made so much sense b/c when I look at my record collection, there’s no one genre I was into. I loved too many types of music and the only sandbox that was malleable enough to do this was in musical narratives (film/tv). The paradigm was then shifted in my mind’s eye from, “trading in my dreams for a watered down version of that dream” to “finding a place where my creative needs can be fulfilled and where my gifts can properly thrive and inspire others.” This is huge and I believe so many of us go through this. I’m still going through it.
And back to simply being creative…I deeply respect people out there who are content to live only pursue creative endeavors as hobbies. I just can’t do that. I grew up doing everything I was told and everything I was supposed to do but was never happy about it. And maybe I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to fulfill an unfulfilled childhood. But that’s part of living a creative life…you stay in that child-like state forever. The minute you grow up, you start to second-guess yourself and you become blocked. And I think that’s where so many people (such as Asian parents) fail. They can’t tell the difference between being child-like and childish. They see it all as one big ball of irresponsible behavior. I also feel that many artists feel that their child-like state is justification for irresponsible and over-privileged behavior, and that is just as harmful. A child-like state simply keeps us growing as human beings. And as for those who can’t see the difference? That’s OK. They don’t need to see a difference. Most of them can’t. But I can and so can you. And as a result, people like us dedicate our lives to pursuing what we pursue.
OK….I need to switch allergy meds. I’m taking pseudo-ephedrine and it feels like I’m doing lines of blow…whatever that would feel like…
I should add more.
I had a variety of jobs post art school- worked at a property management agency, was a library assistant, worked in a kitchen, was an assistant to a professor, was a research assistant- but found my true calling working as a mentor/SAT tutor at a state run afterschool program.
It was a wonderful job, one I honestly couldn’t wait to get to every day. When time was up, I honestly didn’t’ want to leave! Working with teenagers, academically and personally- man, there is nothing like it. I’m the luckiest, most blessed person in the universe. From there, I branched off into private tutoring, which is the best job in the world. I’m so, so lucky to have it. I’m now thinking of taking the necessary steps to become a public school teacher, preferably in high school. I would love to teach English or History, where I feel my biggest strengths are. I am also thinking of teaching the SAT test again, particularly to low income kids.
And guess what I’ve started to do again. Art!
Nearly seven years after deciding I wanted nothing to do with art ever again, I am slowly coming back to it. This time, however, it is as a hobby, not as a career path. I’ve finally found the solution: to neither single-mindedly pursue it as I did as a sighing adolescent fantasist NOR to angrily reject it and anything to do with it. Doing it as a beloved pastime is the proper solution. I even combine my two worlds and use drawing in my teaching/tutoring. I do art with the kids sometimes, too. Teach them how to paint, draw and make crafts.
So yeah, dreams change and mutate. You aren’t the same person as an adult that you were as a teen. And thank heaven for that! I’m very happy as a tutor/mentor- and would have been utterly miserable as an professional artist. Thank God it didn’t work out. It shouldn’t have worked out. And I eventually found the perfect outlet for my art and have the best of both worlds. It wasn’t “selling out” to reject a kid’s immature fantasy of becoming the next Picasso.
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.”
~Confucius~
Love ya E!
Ernesto – live it, breathe it and be it. We need you and others like you (Silas maybe???) to live your dreams so we as an audience can appreciate your talents. If your dream changes then so be it. I will always be proud to have known you.
I am living a dream – maybe my dream but I don’t know yet. When I do I’ll write something about it and let you know how it worked out. Rockets!
Grow with your dream =)
Ernesto! Always follow your heart, it’s uncertain where it will lead you but the alternative would certainly suck
not to mention you are a damn talented writer. i loved your film.
<3 hope the screening goes well