So regular readers of this blog know that I’m far from being a fan of soccer and the World Cup, but as I was searching the internet for porn featuring hot Brazilian chicks in tube socks and cleats miscellaneous academic research, I came upon a blog by some douche bag named Jrodius entitled “Korean Daddy Issues.” He argues that both Korean teams in the World Cup must not be having good sex because, well, let’s let him tell it:

For example, all I can tell from watching North and South Korea is that they don’t have good sex. You know how I know this? They have terrible haircuts. There is one truth the world over… Girls with daddy issues are good at two things, making love and doing hair. Cosmetology schools around the world are full of women with bad father figures that will do your hair up proper then go out to the club and make poor decisions.

So by proxy I can tell by the lack of fancy follicles on the two Korean teams that no one there is having good sex. Think about it, where are the mohawks like Clint Mathis rocked in 2002. Where are the crazy dye jobs like Abel Xavier, who colored up the lives of Portugal fans. Where are the long lucious locks that graced the shoulders of players like Marcelo Balboa and are being kept real by Jonas and DiMichelis in this year’s tournament.

Maybe Jrodius is making his statement with his tongue somewhat in cheek, but it doesn’t matter. I’m Korean and everyone knows that Koreans don’t have a sense of humor especially when it comes to jokes at their expense. We’re going to take offense to this, and if you offend me, you offend my family, which in this case are millions of Koreans whom I will now anoint myself the spokesperson for to respond to Jrodius’ vicious and racist remarks. And what do Koreans do when they get offended? We fight! Well, actually, we drink soju first and then we fight! And that’s what I’m going to do—fight…after I drink some soju. However, I won’t fight with fists or taekwondo kicks, but with words…the ultimate weapon of destruction. So…let me get some soju here…I know I have a clean glass around here somewhere…this one looks clean-ish…so…OK, let’s do this! Hwighting!

Not only am I going to show how racistly wrong Jrodius is by proving without a doubt that not only are the Korean soccer teams, fans and Koreans in general having sex and good sex at that, but that they are kicking the ass of every other country in the World Cup when it comes to sex and good sex.

Let me enter this headline as Exhibit A: Condom Sales Rise As South Korea Celebrates World Cup Win! Notice how the headline is not Condom Sales Rise As Argentina Celebrates World Cup Win! or Condom Sales Rise As South Africa Celebrates World Cup Win! Nope, it’s Korea, motherfucka! Condom sales went up as much as 500% after South Korea’s first win. Do you know why? Because Koreans love soccer and sex. Obviously lots of sex. Now, lots of sex doesn’t necessarily equal good sex as some of my ex-girlfriends may tell you lie to you about. But if you’re having that much sex, the percentages should be working in your favor so that the likelihood that you’re also having good sex increases as well. It’s simple math, dude. And I’m Asian so I know what I’m talking about when it comes to math so suck on that!

I don’t know if the same thing is happening in North Korea because obviously information out of there is sketchy. But whether North or South, we’re all brothers and sisters and even though North Korea lost both of their matches (the second one pretty badly), I think it’s safe to assume that when they’re not working in labor camps or passed out from lack of food or being tortured, our brethren to the North are probably fucking each other too. Lots of times.

If this Jrodius dude had done his research, he would’ve found that the country that really has an issue with soccer and sex is Germany. Check out this recent survey that revealed that 95% of Germans would rather watch their team play in the World Cup than have sex. 95 fucking percent—that’s almost the whole country! And the other 5% are probably hookers without TVs. That means if I were German and I came home one night and there was Megan Fox and her identical but blonde-haired twin sister naked and horny in my bed, but the World Cup match were on TV, I’d be like, “Sorry, Megan Fox and your hot identical but blonde twin, I can’t fuck you now on account of the futbol match is on.” What kind of ass backward thinking is that?! No wonder the Germans lost the War.

And it’s not just Germany. Coaches for the teams from countries like Chile and England are outright banning their players from having any sex during the tournament because they’re under the impression that sex will negatively impact their performance on the field. You know what else will negatively impact their performance on the field? Playing soccer with a bunch of sweaty, dirty men in disco shorts when you’ve got the worst case of blue balls.

Finally, let’s attack Jrodius’ point head on. At the root of his argument is that he thinks the Korean players have bad haircuts, which is his way of saying they don’t look sexually attractive. Well, here’s the South Korean team:

Sure, there’s nothing hip or wild about their hairstyles, but come on, these guys look good. If I were gay, I’d totally fuck each and every one of them. Shit, I’d score more times than Portugal did against North Korea! (What? Too soon?)

And you’re really going to tell me those guys have less of a sex life than someone like Abel Xavier a.k.a. the player most likely to fuck a parrot:

But probably the best proof that in Korea, good sex and soccer are one and the same is this:

And this:

And this:

And of course this:

As South Korean soccer fans know, today’s match is a crucial one and depending on when you’re reading this blog, the team may have advanced further or it may already be the end of the road. But either way—whether it’s the glory of victory or the crushing pain of defeat—I’m sure the high emotion will be making my fellow Koreans extremely horny and we’ll see another increase in condom sales. Well, I just want to say that I feel your glory or your pain so if any fine Korean ladies are reading this and you’ve bought your condoms and you’re feeling these emotions and you just don’t know where to turn, I am here for you. See, that’s the kind of guy I am. A true patriot. So just give me a ring and let me do my patriotic duty. We’ll show that asshole Jrodius what good sex really is—Korean flavah! Man sei!