I’m back to offer more advice to all my Asian American brothas looking to get laid by some hot white chick but having no luck. The reality is–white people can’t tell us apart anyway so why not use this fact to your advantage? Pretend to be some other more famous Asian dude. Here are some suggestions for brothas you can pass for in order to ensure you don’t spend another Saturday night home alone spanking your monkey king:

THE CHINESE DUDE WHO STEPPED IN FRONT OF THE TANKS AT TIANANMEN

This is the perfect identity to assume. No one really knows what this guy looks like since we’ve only seen his back as he stood up against a line of tanks. And what chick would not want to fuck the man who committed such an act of bravery. Just make sure you sound appropriately passionate yet humble as you talk about why you did what you did—how you were trying to stand up for freedom and democracy and never once thought of something as trivial as your own personal safety. Oh, throw in a quote by Martin Luther King or Gandhi while you’re at it. White chicks dig that shit!

WILLIAM HUNG

OK, you’re thinking to yourself—William fucking Hung?! The geeky American Idol reject who was a slap in the face to Asian male masculinity? Hell, yes! The guy may be a washed-up joke, but he’s still more famous than 99 percent of the rest of us Asian American males. That means there are two things automatically working to your advantage: 1) When you tell a white chick you are William Hung, she will most likely know who you are, and 2) she will want to fuck you simply so she can tell all her sorority sisters and friends that she fucked William Hung.

BRUCE LEE’S LONG-LOST BROTHER

The only Asian male who is probably more famous than William Hung is Bruce Lee. But unless you’re talking to a blond, that white chick you’re trying to pick-up will most likely already know Lee is long dead. However, you can always pretend to be his long lost brother. What’s she going to do—run a background check? There are so many Lees in the world, by the time she realizes Bruce Lee does not have a brother that matches your description, you’ll be long gone and ready to enter some other white chick’s dragon.

AN EASTERN SPIRITUAL GURU

Trust me when I say white chicks love Asian guys who say vaguely mystical and philosophical things that sound deep and “Oriental.”  If I had a nickel for every time taking this approach got me laid, I’d have $1.05 by now. All you need to do when you’re talking to the white chick is throw in a lot of mumbo jumbo about Buddha and journeys of discovery and say nonsensical shit like “When you feel lost, all you need to do is find yourself again and you will discover your way back to the true path.” Pretty soon, it will be good-bye spiritual isolation and hello carnal-ic nirvana.

THE GUY WHO DID THE VOICE OF THE ASIAN KID FROM THE FILM UP

Come on, no one knows what the actor who did the voice of the cute Asian kid from Up looks like. Use that to your advantage. And if the white chick doesn’t believe you because she read somewhere that a real child played the part, tell her this is a mistaken fallacy springing from the fact that your vocal performance was so authentic that people simply could not believe an adult could’ve pull that off so successfully. And once she realizes you have that much talent in your mouth, well…I rest my case.

THE HEIR TO THE TOP RAMEN FORTUNE

You could always go the traditional route and say your family owns Sony or Samsung or some other big Asian company but the problem is, the white chick can easily call you out for lying since there’s too much information about these corporations. But say your family owns Top Ramen and you’re home free. Why? Because no one in their right mind would say they’re the heir to the Top Ramen fortune. It’s just not the type of thing a rational person would make up. Be sure to offer to take her back to her place so you can show her what is really behind the term “Oriental flavor.”

MY FELLOW OFFENDER JUSTIN

You would think if I were going to encourage a brotha to pretend to be one of my fellow Offenders, it would be one of the pretty boys like Roger or Sung, but they’re actors and too easily recognizable. However, unless the white chick is some film geek (in which case, she’ll look like Roger Ebert with a vagina and you wouldn’t want to touch that anyway), she’s probably not going to know what a director like Justin looks like. And you can bet she’s not going to care anyway when you tell her your last film grossed almost $350 million worldwide. And just to help my brothas out even further, here are some details you can add to your masquerade to make your performance more convincing—tell her you love filmmaking but your real dream is to own a Laundromat, explain how you’ve cut out Diet Coke from your diet but then turn around and order “just one” for old times’ sake, and frequently employ obscure basketball metaphors and stats that sound cool but that no one else will be able to comprehend.