I stopped in at my local branch library the other day (don’t worry – I just needed to pee) when I noticed a rack of romance novels and every cover, I s&*t you not, was essentially the same: a submissive woman staring up at a buffed freakazoid – chest shaven, shirt unbuttoned, or, preferably, missing entirely.
The artwork seemed dated and kitschy and a mile off point to me, but I have to assume an army of marketing wizards, tuned in to what turns the fair sex on, knows better. And I know as a man I have no moral high ground here – what cranks our motors often belongs in medical textbooks – but, ladies, seriously?
The outdoor bath tub is a nice touch, but the little inset picture is kind of a spoiler, no? Unless she dyed her hair and stuck a flower in it, dude is schtupping two ladies.
Least they left a little hair on Sir Chestington’s forearm. But the wind? Nice hair is nice hair. It doesn’t always need to be touseled like you posed during a Category 2 hurricane.
A pean to the uncircumcised?
FINALLY some female empowerment – the woman on top, the man below. And is he actually clutching a small dead dove in his hand?
Is there not one real name among these authors? Even the real sounding ones seem fake to me. I’m just trying to figure out whether pseudonyms like Robyn DeHart, Kinley MacGregor, and Julie Anne Long are meant to sex it up, or are an attempt by the writers to hide their shame.
Finally, a picture which cuts to the chase: if there’s not a blow job scene within the first three pages of “Lone Arrow’s Pride,” I would seriously consider suing for false advertising.
And, ladies, about those hinted-at sex scenes: I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m afraid these guys would sooner do each other than have their way with you.
Wind. Check. Sword. Check. Blouse falling off shoulder. Check. Male love interest with better hair than you. Check.
I swear, it took me a good ten seconds to realize this was parody. It’s just that close.
And if this one didn’t have the “Camaro” line, I would never have guessed it to be a fake at all.
If this isn’t a real porn title, I haven’t been looking at enough porn.
Okay, so here’s the closest to a “hip, modern” sensibility I could find: she has the power – he’s all over her, yet she’s staring at us, and obviously the photorealistic style, etc.
But where are the book covers for the human women I know?
Seriously – where are the covers with your Ryan Gosling/Daniel Dae Kim/Jon Hamm/Andre 3000 knockoffs standing in stark settings, staring with smoldering intensity through your soul into the distance, looking troubled and hot and in need of saving by some woman who understands their existential pain, or at least appreciates an expensive haircut?
…hubba….hubba…hubba…no?
This reminds me of an episode of The Simpsons on how Marge sees Homer. It’s so ironic that it has to be true.
omg, it’s sooooo scary – I actually like these covers. I’m their target – what’s wron with me??!?!?
I wish illustrating Harlequin Romance novel covers was my career. I would keep the kilts (ayoogah!) but also throw in more hanboks and sherwanis.
Gross. It seems like anyone can write, right?
Not that I’ve ever actually read a romance novel, I can still totally relate to the female desire of a sexy, handsome man who wields power from his fingertips and exudes skill at his hair follicles, and knows how to rock my bed. And then be a gentleman on the streets. ;D
FYI: it’s my real name, not a pseudonym.
@Robyn DeHart
OHMIGOD! Thank you so much for replying! I have to ask: do you have any say in your cover art? The brunette/red head pairing – did you get to pick that?
Fondly, Alfredo
It’s a hard question to answer and frankly it depends on a lot – who you are as an author (as far as how big of a name you are) and your publisher. They always ask for feedback, but it doesn’t always make it into the final cover. On that particular cover (my least favorite of mine) I fondly call it my 1 legged leprechaun – I mean really, where is her other leg? But I will say this, my readers loved this cover, so the publishers are hitting their marks. They might not appeal to all readers, but clinch covers (especially on historical romance) are tried and true sellers. Thanks for the question.
I recently had a dream that started much as one of those covers (expect he was wearing silver eyeshadow and had a much more realistic build) but when he kissed me my bones caught fire and burned beautiful tatoos of bold ink lines all over my body. Fantasies can start pretty stereotypically and go some pretty amazing directions. I say dream away. Thanks for the great blog!
Thanks for this entertaining piece….between laughing my guts out, I’ve shared it with many!
I think Robyn DeHart is a gracious person to have posted here. I really admire anyone who can create a book or design and sustain themselves with their work. I wish her tons of success. ( I may have to read one of these ‘boice rippers’ )
Bodice