I stopped in at my local branch library the other day (don’t worry – I just needed to pee) when I noticed a rack of romance novels and every cover, I s&*t you not, was essentially the same: a submissive woman staring up at a buffed freakazoid – chest shaven, shirt unbuttoned, or, preferably, missing entirely.
The artwork seemed dated and kitschy and a mile off point to me, but I have to assume an army of marketing wizards, tuned in to what turns the fair sex on, knows better. And I know as a man I have no moral high ground here – what cranks our motors often belongs in medical textbooks – but, ladies, seriously?
The outdoor bath tub is a nice touch, but the little inset picture is kind of a spoiler, no? Unless she dyed her hair and stuck a flower in it, dude is schtupping two ladies.
Least they left a little hair on Sir Chestington’s forearm. But the wind? Nice hair is nice hair. It doesn’t always need to be touseled like you posed during a Category 2 hurricane.
A pean to the uncircumcised?
FINALLY some female empowerment – the woman on top, the man below. And is he actually clutching a small dead dove in his hand?
Is there not one real name among these authors? Even the real sounding ones seem fake to me. I’m just trying to figure out whether pseudonyms like Robyn DeHart, Kinley MacGregor, and Julie Anne Long are meant to sex it up, or are an attempt by the writers to hide their shame.
Finally, a picture which cuts to the chase: if there’s not a blow job scene within the first three pages of “Lone Arrow’s Pride,” I would seriously consider suing for false advertising.
And, ladies, about those hinted-at sex scenes: I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m afraid these guys would sooner do each other than have their way with you.
Wind. Check. Sword. Check. Blouse falling off shoulder. Check. Male love interest with better hair than you. Check.
I swear, it took me a good ten seconds to realize this was parody. It’s just that close.
And if this one didn’t have the “Camaro” line, I would never have guessed it to be a fake at all.
If this isn’t a real porn title, I haven’t been looking at enough porn.
Okay, so here’s the closest to a “hip, modern” sensibility I could find: she has the power – he’s all over her, yet she’s staring at us, and obviously the photorealistic style, etc.
But where are the book covers for the human women I know?
Seriously – where are the covers with your Ryan Gosling/Daniel Dae Kim/Jon Hamm/Andre 3000 knockoffs standing in stark settings, staring with smoldering intensity through your soul into the distance, looking troubled and hot and in need of saving by some woman who understands their existential pain, or at least appreciates an expensive haircut?