Saint Lohan

I have trouble holding two opposing thoughts in my brain at the same time: how can magnets pull at each other when you face them one way, yet repel each other when you face them the other way?  Why, as you get older, would evolution add hair to your back while taking it away from the top of your head?  What’s the deal with Log Cabin Republicans?

And how is it that, on the same day, I read about Lindsay Lohan’s judge praising her for finally showing up to her community service after four years of DUI’s and probation violations, when, at the same time, punk rock kids in Aceh, Indonesia, are arrested and detained for ten days for the grave offense of having mohawks?

I think you can guess what the fate of those mohawks were.

To recap: in July of 2007 Ms. Lohan picks up her first DUI.  Not just run of the mill tipsy driving after a Christmas party, mind you  – she’s got coke on her.  She spends 45 days in a private spa called Promises drinking herbal tea, getting massages, and not snorting coke.  Ten days after checking out, she receives her second DUI .  The cops find coke in her pockets, but she explains to them that the pants weren’t hers.

Perhaps not.

Perhaps they belonged to one of several stores and individuals who accused her of theft over the next few years.  For one violation, she spends 84 minutes in jail.  For another, she does twelve days hard time (on a 90 day sentence).

I want her lawyer!!

Several bench warrants and slaps on the wrist later, Lohan finally settles down and spends the required 12 days working as a janitor at the L.A. County morgue.  She also attends one extra therapy session beyond the four mandated by the court.  One more hour in therapy complaining about the raw deal life has given her, and now the press fetes Lohan like she’s Joan of Arc mashed up with Mother Teresa.

“Miss Lohan, you have actually done your work,” said a surprised Judge Stephanie Sautner.  “You are doing well and I would like to see it continue.  The morgue seems pleased as a morgue can be.”

Not setting the bar too high there, Judge Sautner.

Perhaps overcome by seasonal cheer and the thought that maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t have to see Lohan’s face again, Sautner added, “We have the holidays coming up.  You can travel to see your family.”

America.  The country of second, third, fourth and eleventh chances, for those who can afford it.

Meanwhile, back in Indonesia, 65 kids get arrested at a punk rock concert and the police shave off their mohawks, why?

Same reason they remove their body piercings: because they threaten Islamic values.  Spiked dog collar necklaces are thrown into pools of water for spiritual cleansing, and the punks are forced to bathe in a lake, change clothes and pray.

The local police chief throws each of them a toothbrush and yells, “Use it!” (okay, this part I agree with entirely).

The punks will have the next ten days to think about their crimes while they attend religious courses and buff up their Quran recitation skills before being allowed to return home.

“Why?  Why my hair?” lamented 20 year old punker Fauzan.  “We didn’t hurt anyone.  This is how we’ve chosen to express ourselves.  Why are they treating us like criminals?”

Well, no, if they were treating you like criminals, at least on this side of the globe, you’d have to stuff bindles of coke into those mohawks, steal the spiked dog collars you wear, and screw up about 18 times before someone finally forces you to pick up a mop and do a little cleaning.

Of course, though, when you get down to it, I’d much rather live in a country that coddles rich starlets than a country which attacks funny haircuts.  Maybe there is something to this whole separation of church and state thing, and maybe, just maybe, there’s an international reality show here:

“Sentence Swap”

I’d watch that.

2 thoughts on “Saint Lohan

  1. on a side note, this is why I think APA indie movies sux so much. even when the truth is blatant, the writers and directors skirt and dance around the real issues.

    even black people see the truth about Asians, and yet none of the APA filmmakers have addressed any of the issues…

    it’s always some AF seeking the white savior… I’m looking at DHH here…

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