It’s the greatest penis ever… and I’m afraid of it.

It’s like the Jesus penis, so great that it’s untouchable. So great that general worshiping isn’t enough, one must do missionary work in Uganda to earn the chance to see it in person. And sadly to say, I’m paralyzed by fear when it emerges.

Now, yes folks, of course it’s just a penis. Your regular run-of-the-mill penis, just a tad bit smaller than a newborn’s arm, just a wee bit bigger than a fresh tamarind fruit. It’s color is flesh-colored, like somewhere in the range of human. Just a penis. Just an appendage that has no purpose but to inseminate and piss and occasionally cause some discomfort in tight yoga poses like Eagle.

But when you’re in LOVE with the person it’s attached to, well, now it’s become the penis of Michaelangelo, Shakespeare, Genghis Khan, Obama, and John the Apostle all rolled into one… all I want to do is MAKE IT HAPPY!

And there I am, staring at that one-eyed Jack. It’s early morning and I don’t want to say anything to the person attached to it because he’s sleeping. I want to wake up my lover by arousing him awake, but the penis is acting like a grouchy landlord awakened to fix a leak at 3am.

“So Penis…. how’s it hanging?” I try to start off nonchalantly.

Silence.

“So.. do you like a wet mouth or a really good hand massage?”

Silence.

I mean, it’s not like it’s the greatest communicator.

Some penises -really- if you sneeze in their general direction, they stand in instant erection, ready to do whatever bidding the kitty palace has on its agenda.

But not this penis. It stares back at me and defiantly finally says, “So, whatcha gonna do?”

It’s wrapped in its blanket of foreskin, sleepily looking out and yawns. “Well?”

I panic. Okay, the normal mouth to penile head trick isn’t working, it’s just kinda, “Eh, not as good as the last girl’s.” When I try to massage it to glory, it gets cranky and snaps, “What are you doing? Checking for tenderness?” I try to pull it. “OW! Now that’s too hard! What’re you trying to do? Yank me off?! How old are you? Don’t you have any experience in this?!”

I am defeated. The penis throws its foreskin over its head angrily. Sleep, it wants.

I emerge from under the blankets, a frown on my face. I should’ve listened more to the school slut in high school. I should’ve slept with more people and perfected my technique before this guy! I should’ve just been more attentive to Youporn porn.

My lover stirs. He opens his eyes slowly. “Good morning sweetie,” he murmurs and against my leg, I feel Mr. Penis awaken and grow hard against my thigh. “Whatever is your command!” it cries.

Well, at least it listens to someone.