You try to be “THAT girl”. You know, “THAT girl who doesn’t get jealous when foreign women are romping around in silk negligées with their big round bulbous booties bouncing with every step.”

I currently have 5 frenchies in my house. In addition to my hot housemate who is a pilates/golfing/equestrian/chef extraordinaire (who apparently is really good in bed judging from the sounds that come from her room when ‘visitors’ come), I now have 2 fat-bottomed frenchie girls with cascading locks sleeping on the sofa and in the adjoining bedroom.

Okay, fine, so they have 3 men with them… 1 is a lover, 1 is wanna-be lover, and 1 is 2 years old. (Apparently the consequence of traveling the world.) The men are eh. But that doesn’t stop the fact that my house is overflowing with sexy FEMALE estrogen. My man has woken up with a hard on every morning. (Apparently he’s having great dreams.)

We belong to Hospitality Club. It’s basically the original Couchsurfing website, before Couchsurfing got corporate. So we always have international people coming to our mini-commune here in the hills outside of LA. It’s nice. It’s like having temporary international students all the time. We learn a lot. But I’m starting to notice…The last time we had Hospitality Club guests, it was two twenty-something girls from Bavaria…with great racks.

In any case, the sexy quotient has really been elevated these last few days. Which is fine by my man. Here are intelligent and beautiful women who love to travel and drink red wine and conversate! Been to Peru? They have! They’ve taught, made pottery, constructed houses, and farmed. How about Reunion? 80% of Americans won’t be able to even find that on a map! They are worldly and without make up, are dazzling examples of what we women aim to be: independent, strong, curious, smart, receptive, and flexible.

The problem is…. they’re all in my house. There’s Sophie and her brunette locks and bubble butt. There’s Kareen and her blue eyes and honey-colored skin. Before that, there was Jeannette and who would touch you on your knee when she laughed slinkily while throwing her head back. And that’s all fine eye candy for HIM, but what about ME? Of all the travelers we’ve had, 3/4 have been all women! Gorgeous women. And the men? WEIRD. SMELLY. HAIRY. (Of course this is a huge generalization, but there’s no one on the sofa to dazzle me with adonis belts or straight teeth.)

Why is it so SKEWED?!?!

I know! I’m thinking it has to do with the profile shot. There’s a picture of HIM on it. I wonder….. if I put up a profile of ME, if more MEN would come our way?! What shallowness we play in! We are like bees looking for the brightest flower!

Hmmmmm…..

I am now scheming. I TOO will put up a profile on HospitalityClub.org! I too will put up a profile on Couchsurfing! I will inundate this house with fine young man-ibals and flirt my flat-asian-ass off!!!! There will be men prancing around shirtless asking ME if they can borrow some toothpaste! I will wake up with a hard-on on my clitoris from the great dreams I’M having!

But with my luck…. they’ll all be gay. But at least it will be more BALANCED!