Oh yeah, baby yeah, yeah just like… STOP! FUCKIN’ STOP!”

I was IMPALED from the inside out!!! A sexual HERNIA!

It was supposed to be an extended holiday weekend of lascivious sex 20xs a day in various places in and around LA. My latest boytoy and I were planning to saddle up and ride each other until we didn’t know who was the cowboy and who was the cow. It was going to be a weekend of human juices oozing from all our pleasure orifices. It was a weekend of debaucery that Bacchus himself would be proud of.

But somehow, in the heat of the moment, his ginormous penis had skewered me, thrusted through my vaginal walls and into my stomach and out my mouth. Okay maybe NOT, but it sure as hell felt that way.

“Stop stop stop!” We were still for a moment. He looked concerned at me. “Are you alright?”

“Wait.” I breathlessly hushed him. What WAS that pain? It was like… being punched in your eye, but inside your vagina. We laughed a little nervously. It was going to be alright. Yes it was.

Then 5 minutes later, I doubled over with pain. As if all of my periods became one gigantic period and squeezed my cervix into the size of a q-tip end. If this is what giving birth is like, I WANT NONE OF IT. Spasms of pain over and over until I was a fetal ball of weeping woman. His concerned look gave way to full on fear. You could read it in his face, “Oh no, I broke her!”

He calmed me down with soft whispers. “Just rest, just rest,” he cooed.

I tried to sleep it off.

Then it hit me! Go to the restroom! Poo it out! Maybe my intestine is full and needs emptying. He walked me to the bathroom. (I could barely stand.) And as I sat on that throne of glory, I tried one push of expelllation. I nearly fainted from the effort. I sweated, I felt light-headed, I realized this is how Elvis felt in his last few moments of life. The newest love of my life is going to find me sprawled out and blacked out on the bathroom floor, a poo head barely poking itself out of my buttocks.

Somehow I found myself back on the bed. He had carried me. I bleary-eyed looked at him. He had wet a cloth and was wiping the sweat off my brow. I started to profusely say my apologies. Here I was, a stranger in his house, and I was just a big baby. Forget sex, I could barely make a full intelligible sentence.

He kissed me on my lips lightly. “We don’t have to do anything. I’m just glad you’re here.” And he sat up. “We’ll watch movies and stay home. It’ll be fun.” He paused and looked at me. My eyes were astounded that he didn’t just wanna bang all night. “You want a foot massage? It’ll make you feel better.” He offered.

The rest of the weekend was spent watching “X-Men: The First Class”, listening to Iron and Wine over Pandora, laughing over youtube clips of Louis CK, and him stoking my hair as I passed in and out of sleep. When I got better, we still didn’t have sex, we just walked around his neighborhood and picked lemons from the neighbor’s lemon trees and harvested grape tomatoes from his garden. When my final night came and he looked at me and solemnly said, “I love you,” I knew that I too, had fallen madly for this boy with the ginormous penis and the even bigger heart….