It took me three weeks after his death to find out he was not faithful to me.
Because in retrospect, it all makes so much sense: the strangely subdued last few months, the increased absences for work, the feeling that something was ‘off’.
But we as humans try to brain our feelings away, we try hard to rationalize it’s just a ‘feeling’. I had no evidence, I just knew I was sadder more often and couldn’t figure out why. We were constantly bickering about the wedding, but all the magazines and all the married people said that was normal.
And through all that duplicitous time, the one saying that I heard constantly was, “You’re the one. You’re the only one.”
So of course I had no suspicions. I was the chosen ‘one’! I trusted and took it all for face value that we were going thru a slump and nothing more.
“You’re the one. You’re the only one.”
He said that to me the night before he died. I thought it was a sweet saying. Little did I know there was another, so now my head is deducing that there are other reasons why he said it. Did he say it to throw me off the scent of the others? Did he say it to make himself believe it? Or did he say it because he really meant it?
“You’re the one.”
I am incredibly naive and I have chosen to be that way, chosen to see the world as bright and sunshiny and that goodness always prevails.
And now I feel stupid. I feel betrayed. I can’t even look at picture of him without feeling anger and confusion and loss.
The pretty memories are marred with doubt and the idea of love everlasting sullied with betrayed pain.
And yet, in the calm silence, I know there is nothing I can do.. except to pick myself back up and keep living. I can forgive (eventually) and only because I will not grow as a person if I am angry forever. There will be no answers coming from the grave. Nothing.
So I have a choice: to celebrate him or berate him. And as much hurt as I will have to work thru this is how I want to remember him. I want to remember him as the free spirit who lived life and taught ME to love life and who wrote this once upon a time in his journal:
“I see an open endless ocean in front of me, lands discovered long ago by the likes of Drake and Magellan, but nonetheless as new to me as if I set foot on Mars. I don’t believe a life is to be lived in a 100 square mile box, or even on the same continent for that matter….For those of us fortunate enough to live in the common era, we have simply to pick a place upon this playground we call Earth and let a fantastic adventure unfold.”
He was thoughtful and kind. He cared about the world. He wanted to explore the world and all it had to offer. He was goofy. And despite all this aftermath…. for ME, “(he was) the one. (He was) the only one.”
Goodbye my love, until another day.